Christmas money for adult grandchildren

[Loveapineapplepizzame]

At what age would you say for a grandparent to stop giving Christmas money to adult grandchildren?

Mum has always been particularly generous with cash gifts and gifts in general to her grandchildren - always a generous cash gift plus additional small gifts. There are several ‘kids’ and in cash alone, it costs her over £1k.

She is now very elderly and she has said she would like to stop giving the grandchildren who are at working age the cash gift. There are still a few grandchildren who are still ‘children’ (high school age) and for those she would like to continue to give as usual to them, just to stop with the older working age ones - the older working age are over 20.

I have high school age kids, sister has a mix of working age and high school.

In the last few years, Mum has also told me that sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too - I have also supported her that this too needs to stop. She literally doesn’t know these people. Again she has been spending a high amount on these gifts too - they have not been token gifts. I only found out about this recently otherwise I would have stood up for her on this last Christmas.

I am in full support of Mum. This is something she has been thinking of for several years and we have discussed many times. I have no issue of not receiving any gift for my kids once they are working - in fact I have said to stop any cash gifts to my children now but she is insistent that until they 18 that she would like to continue.

We have discussed this with my sister and she is absolutely outraged.

Mums suggestion to her was to just reduce it down this year but next year she would be giving a token gift only - such as a bottle of something.

To add, Mum is in a financial position where giving this cash gift and these additional gifts isn’t an issue for her - but I have supported her fully with her decision as in my opinion, it’s her money to choose to do with as she wishes - and frankly I feel like she’s having the piss taken out of her by my sister. In fact I’ve encouraged Mum to do more with her money and enjoy it whilst she can - go on a cruise! And as she’s quite rightly said, the working age kids are earning enough. To give an example, the working age kids are on several holidays a year, drive brand new cars - they do not ‘need’ this cash gift every year. Sister is also in a good financial position - again does not need the money.

Sister has contacted Mum, she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts. Mum has begrudgingly agreed as she doesn’t want an argument, but she is upset.

So WWYD? Mum doesn’t want me to say anything to my sister but I feel like I can’t let this one go. I have also considered gifting Mum a present - spa day perhaps - that financially matches what she would be giving to my kids.

If she wants to stop, she can and should. The only time cash gifts are acceptable are if the giver can a) afford them, and b) wants to give them. Your sister is wrong to try to influence the decision in this situation.

I know my sister. When she really gets an issue in her head she tends to escalate it massively out of proportion.

So yes I am siding with my Mum on this. Sister said that whilst some working age children are ok about it and have said they don’t need the money, apparently one is terribly upset about it and the youngest who will receive the full amount is allegedly stating that their siblings will hate them.

Quite honestly, even if this is the case, this is a lesson for sister on parenting your own children, adult or otherwise, not for her to emotionally manipulate an elderly woman into paying up.

My side of the family we only do presents at all for under 18s. We do charity gifts from each immediate family group to the others. So much less stress and consternation. So I'd heartily recommend 18 as a cut-off.

What about changing it to a hamper for each family to share and enjoy? This takes away from the specific gifts thats getting out of control. It's nice you're listening and supporting your mother. Help her by getting the hampers perhaps the M&S ones? We have those and they're lovely, with a bottle of wine, crackers, crisps, chocolate and biscuits. We eat them for Christmas tea! I understand she's struggling with your sister, who's being massively unreasonable. Try and advocate for your elderly mum who's actually being financially controlled by your sister!

I speak from experience as my sister is the same, turns up at our elderly father's and demands £50 per child, even for her new boyfriends children who aren't even present nor known by us (her partners change rapidly). I nipped this in the bud by buying a hamper from Cadbury for each family, and left them at his house. She refused to collect them 2 years ago as she preferred cash! But it's stopped her asking!

Agreed op. You should speak to your sister. This is an issue she needs to work through with her own children.

Teaching them that the elderly are not cash cows but precious in their own right, I would totally lose my shit with my own children if they ever behaved in such a grabby way around other people. I would not hold back, and nor should she.

There are times when we compromise, practice acceptance and understand differences - and this is not one of them.

sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too

Sister would be told if SHE wants to buy presents for partners of working age grandchildren SHE can, but not to instruct other people to do so. Spending other peoples money comes far too easy to some people.

This is also interesting - last 2 years have been with sister. Before that, I had her for 20 years.

Only reason for last 2 years without her on Christmas Day is I’m now in a blended family and we only have kids Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, so she comes to ours on Christmas Eve instead - because Christmas morning tends to be a bit of a whirlwind then our kids leave by midday. On a further note, she only gives a token amount to my DSC - £20 in an envelope - and I’ve even told her that that’s too much with everything else they receive.

Its absolutely despicable that your sister views your mum as a cash cow for her kids (and their damn partners).

Id be absolutely livid with her and wouldnt hold back. Tell your mum she can rest assured she doesnt have to give the cash and you'll sort it

Cheeky cow.

Drama? From whom? To be honest everything has been fine as Mum has been heavily paying out each year but she’s just not happy to do so anymore.

I think last Christmas was the last straw for her which is why she is speaking out. She sat there after giving out all the gifts to grandkids, sister and partners and sister walked back into the room with huge gift bags overflowing with gifts. Mum thought one was for her. Sister gave each of these gift bags to the partners. And then passed Mum a box of chocolates. She just felt disappointed to be honest.

If I’m being honest, had that been myself in that situation I would have felt upset too.

I am more on the fence. Clearly your sister is being unreasonable although why she was fine about it and then hysterical is very strange- is she struggling more than you think?
Hard agree about not buying partners of grandchildren gifts- especially if giving cash no need.
However- unless they are actually all rolling in it (unlikely given the current climate) if she can give away some money at a v expensive time with no detrimental effect to myself then, if I was the grandma, I probably would? And if I did decide to go for token gifts I would expect the same myself and receive 10 pairs of slippers of fluffy socks....

I have to be honest, I would speak to your nieces and nephews because I suspect that they are unaware of the position that their mother has taken. I think that they would agree that the time has come to set a limit of £20 and call it a day and that would be for family only and not partners.

Many years ago, I got scolded on here when I mentioned that I was feeling used because I had a friend with three children and it was expected that I would be five gifts (inc her DH) but get just one in return. It was not tenable as a single person, so I quietly faded the friendship, now I might just give a generic family gift as I know better, but back then I worried about keeping up appearances.

And finally a big thank you to your mum, who helped her family when they were younger and needed it... tell her to make 2026, the year of granny being spoiled!

That's actually quite horrible. Your sister is happy to take from her but only gifts her a token gift, while she watches everyone else get better gifts! In that case tell her to gift a bottle of wine and tub of heroes! They don't deserve more than that!

I’ve told her to buy a case of Echo Falls and hand that out. And yes - I was so upset for her. I think I would have got up and left to be honest.

I don’t think grandma needs to discuss it with her grandchildren, they aren’t buying her gifts so a £20 limit to them wouldn’t help.

As far as I am aware - yes. However - that is absolutely irrelevant to the issue here?

Why does she need to give to the partners @Loveapineapplepizzame? My gran writes a card with the present (cash) to both me and my dh same for my sister. My brother and cousins who are single get the same to them. Maybe i’m wrong but this whole “when my dc is 18 the will get a satsuma and that’s it” mentality is just really horrible when they dps or in this case dgp can afford it.

The thing that I don’t understand is why the adult children don’t buy their grandma a gift? Amongst all of those adults (inc partners) receiving from grandma / mum, doesn’t anyone feel sad for grandma sitting there with nothing to open. Maybe you could remind your sister how it felt last year for your mum, and ask her why she feels entitled to receiving for everyone, but nothing comes back the other way? It’s bizarre.
If I was your mum, I would tell your sister that she has sorted it this year and just move to token gifts, if she’s asked, just say that after last year, she had assumed that everyone had moved to token gifts for adults as that was all she received, one single token gift from what sounds like a lot of adults. Your sister being hysterical suggests that this gets discussed (why?) when it doesn’t need to be. Just cut them off. Gifts for children only.

My grandad died last year at over 90 and he always gave me and my brother our “Christmas box” which was cash. I’m 40. My mum used to take him to the post office to withdraw the cash specially.

He would always buy my DH a bottle of whiskey. In later years he’d include cash for my kids too and I’d put it in their accounts. When they were little he’d get them a toy (which my mum probably arranged for him)

We were his only 2 grandkids though and he loved my DH and they got on really well.

If your mum doesn’t want to do it then she can stop. I’d just get a token gift for the partners (if anything). Your sister needs to get over it!

My mil has 12 grandchildren - ranging in age from 31 to 7. She lives in Ireland and gives each of her grandchildren €3,000 every Christmas. She makes no distinction at all - even though all of the over 21's have asked her to stop! It's very tax efficient for her and she wants to do it.

I have s sister like this. Her kids are all in their very late 20s and she has never once opened her mouth and said no need for Xmas cash anymore even thou she knows some of us are struggling. Shes obsessed with card giving ( the moon pig cards ] fancy dinners and cash gifts but hasnt got money to pay her gas bill and she wants you to be in the same spot as her... I mean you cant make this stuff up. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣