Christmas money for adult grandchildren

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At what age would you say for a grandparent to stop giving Christmas money to adult grandchildren?

Mum has always been particularly generous with cash gifts and gifts in general to her grandchildren - always a generous cash gift plus additional small gifts. There are several ‘kids’ and in cash alone, it costs her over £1k.

She is now very elderly and she has said she would like to stop giving the grandchildren who are at working age the cash gift. There are still a few grandchildren who are still ‘children’ (high school age) and for those she would like to continue to give as usual to them, just to stop with the older working age ones - the older working age are over 20.

I have high school age kids, sister has a mix of working age and high school.

In the last few years, Mum has also told me that sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too - I have also supported her that this too needs to stop. She literally doesn’t know these people. Again she has been spending a high amount on these gifts too - they have not been token gifts. I only found out about this recently otherwise I would have stood up for her on this last Christmas.

I am in full support of Mum. This is something she has been thinking of for several years and we have discussed many times. I have no issue of not receiving any gift for my kids once they are working - in fact I have said to stop any cash gifts to my children now but she is insistent that until they 18 that she would like to continue.

We have discussed this with my sister and she is absolutely outraged.

Mums suggestion to her was to just reduce it down this year but next year she would be giving a token gift only - such as a bottle of something.

To add, Mum is in a financial position where giving this cash gift and these additional gifts isn’t an issue for her - but I have supported her fully with her decision as in my opinion, it’s her money to choose to do with as she wishes - and frankly I feel like she’s having the piss taken out of her by my sister. In fact I’ve encouraged Mum to do more with her money and enjoy it whilst she can - go on a cruise! And as she’s quite rightly said, the working age kids are earning enough. To give an example, the working age kids are on several holidays a year, drive brand new cars - they do not ‘need’ this cash gift every year. Sister is also in a good financial position - again does not need the money.

Sister has contacted Mum, she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts. Mum has begrudgingly agreed as she doesn’t want an argument, but she is upset.

So WWYD? Mum doesn’t want me to say anything to my sister but I feel like I can’t let this one go. I have also considered gifting Mum a present - spa day perhaps - that financially matches what she would be giving to my kids.

The only reason I’d say to continue would be if she’s likely to be over the inheritance tax threshold and will have it taxed off her when she dies anyway, so might as well spend it now on them!

I’d slow down and assess quietly. It could be your sister agreed as you said op, and her children have kicked off? And your sister has found it easier to plead with her mum than deal with her dc? What do they give in return?

Before you wade in, I would speak discreetly to your sister and ask her why she has had a change of heart, and then repeat that this isn’t fair to mum, gently at first but then firmly that this isn’t happening if she insists.

It is elder abuse op. Your poor mum.

I had this with my sil. Dc were in their 30s and working, and ungrateful. They wouldn’t even write a Christmas card. Sil got very upset. I just stated my position gently that it was time to stop, and did precisely that. She sulked a bit, clearly doesn’t agree, but that’s for her to deal with. I feel better giving a token gift at Christmas and a card for birthdays. I no longer feel taken advantage of. We all get on well, and it hasn’t damaged the relationship (and if it did then you know the motivation was purely financial in the first place)

Thanks all.

I think a lot of the crux of the issue is that Mum feels like it’s just never ending. It’s gone from just giving to her grandchildren to now her being told she has to provide gifts for the partners of grandchildren ‘because they will be there’. Other than Christmas Day, she literally doesn’t ever see these partners.

Shes told about all these holidays sister and kids go on, new cars, expensive home improvements, and she’s rightly identified not one of them ‘needs’ her money and she felt that giving a token gift or hopefully her presence in their day would be enough. It is however her decision - and she’s more than entitled to make her own decision.

Id love for it to be that Mum felt she got something back in way of thanks or appreciation from either of them, but last year after she had handed out all the gifts, she was presented with a box of chocolates.

Consequently, as her distinct lack of gifts from sister is common, I tend to gift high to Mum to make up for any disappointment and so she receives a lovely gift at least from one of us - last year was a posh Christmas hamper (one that is delivered rather than made up myself - so she gets the excitement of unboxing it all) and a small additional gift to add to an existing collection she has. More than the equivalent cost of one of my children’s cash gift. Will be similar this year, I enjoyed hearing her feedback on the different treats in her hamper.

On a further note, the ‘when can she stop’ is also bugging me - will sister only agree to this if Mums money is required for say a care home?

Im actually fuming though to be honest - none of this is sitting right with me.

No, absolutely not. It’s the principle that OP’s mother has not been given the autonomy to stop if she wants to. This is abusive, and you don’t just advise someone to carry on. What happens when they start demanding ‘loans’ and other help? Because they feel entitled to someone else’s money.

Their was a not too dissimilar thread on here a few days ago whereby financially wealthy relatives seem outraged when generous gifts from grandparents are stopped.

No matter how rich some people are it’s never enough and they always want more.

Sister has actually funnily enough mentioned this recently!!! Again I have told Mum it’s completely up to her what she does with her money and in any case, to speak to a financial advisor or solicitor for them to advise her fully. I want absolutely no say in any inheritance. I’m not interested to be honest. It’s not my money. Having extra money now would be lovely - but there’s always that chance that Mum will require care.

I’ve also encouraged Mum to enjoy her money now. We spoke about a round the world cruise recently!

I completey understand your frustration.

I think you need to agree that gifts are getting out of hand and you need a reset (we did this last Christmas).

I'm not sure the question of when to stop cash gifts is helping you to move this on - unless your mum wants to stop giving gifts to GC after a certain age, I think you need to agree a budget for each GC that is sensible and affordable for your mum.

Re GC partners, I think you're just going to have to keep telling your sister this is completely unreasonable.

Feel for you on reading your update, and ignore my suggestion of one meal together since your mum is actually there on Christmas Day and still feels let down. Sad to say but it sounds like your sister’s children are as tone-deaf as your sister, not sure there’s anything you can do about that feeling but definitely encourage your mum to stick to her guns regarding the presents. You sound really thoughtful, I’m sorry your sister isn’t 😔

A token gift for each couple is more than adequate.

Your sister is bullying her mother. This needs to stop. You are over compensating for your sister. This needs to stop. You should buy for your mother because YOU want to spoil her, not because you want to OUTDO your sister.

The bullying of your mother isn't on, but I also think it's very easy to take your position when it isn't your own kids being disadvantaged or missing out.

OP’s children are also going to be included in this decision, so how is it easier?

Bloody hell this is crazy! My mum is elderly and she no longer buys presents for anyone! We still buy for her even though she says not to. She is not shy about handing back anything she doesn't like.

Op, I would advise mum to just stop buying altogether. She is at an age where she shouldn't have this mental load on her.

Your poor mum needs supporting with her decisions. It’s grossly unfair of your sister to bully her over this. As a family you need to stick up for your mum. Your sister needs to get a grip. She might need help to see the error of her ways. Make sure you have other family members onboard with this, so it can be tackled in strength. I’m sorry but your sister is mean, grabby and a bully.

No way - time to throw your hat in and confront your sister as to what she thinks she's playing at!

I’d suggested not giving my children anything this year. They don’t need anything.

And on the other side of things, sister has more children than me. From what her kids would have received this year even with the reduction, it was the exact same figure.

You also have to consider the fact that her oldest is 10 years older than mine and has received this gift for a lot longer, whereas my children will be stopped at 18.

This isn’t a decision where my children benefit at all. I am however more than happy to support it.

Inheritance will be an interesting issue in this kind of family I suspect

My FIL (only one of that generation still alive) said he stops giving any gifts as soon as the kids turn 18. Fine he’s got quite a number of grandkids. Except when he told me I smiled inwardly as I can’t say they were ever that generous and several years they never gave any gifts at all.
I’d say 21 is a decent cut off. I didn’t get gifts from my parents after that unless I was spending the holiday with them, my kids did when little but they had both died before my kids hit 10/12.

Not for a few years at least, and if the mother is very elderly it is likely the gifts for all children will stop in a few years anyway and before the OPs kids age out

I’m in 2 minds about it really.

On the one hand, I can see why a grandparent might want to scale down gifts to working adults who aren’t short of money. Especially if there are 2 adults in a relationship really splashing the cash on holidays and renovations etc.

On the other hand, it seems as though your mum has plenty of money, so I don’t really see why she wouldn’t want to give a working grandchild a cash gift. I’m quite certain that even a millionaire would be very pleased with granny giving them £100 for Christmas.

Let’s say she previously gave X £100. Now X is with Y, she could just address the £100 in a card to X and Y.

I agree, these are wise words. And op, your mum is really driving a wedge between you and your sister. When she says she was hysterical what did that look and sound like, it’s a very extreme word, I’d say crying screaming and shouting , was that what happened? She was screaming/crying about it? Really?

are you traditionally the peacemaker, the sensible one?

My Nan used to give her 4 adult grandkids £30 each. I got an extra little small box of stocking fillers as I was the only granddaughter. Little things like gloves, socks, a diary etc. None of the boys minded at all that it was my nans special thing for me.

I’m 63 and my sister is 59. My aunt and uncle still give us little envelopes each plus one each for our three children between us and their partners

See I do buy a gift because I want to spoil her. It’s not just to out do what she does, although it has become a running these that she usually does do just a small token gift. I love searching for the perfect gift for her, and I love that she enjoys the gifts that I buy. It’s never a token gift at Christmas - but something always bought with some thought behind it. Like I said, the hamper I loved buying her. I’ve been getting a hamper for our house the last few years too so I know there’s usually things in there you wouldn’t normally pick up yourself on a normal shop.