To still be annoyed at MIL about this??

[Swindlesong]

Last new year, when DD was a baby, we decided to spend the evening with DH’s parents. We don’t live nearby, so we’re tying this in with seeing other family. I was holding my baby in my arms and DH’s mum walked over and put her hands out and took her from me. Granted, I let her, but she is quite a dominant character and I wanted us to have a nice evening. It was a few minutes before midnight, and I was very torn. I thought to myself, “don’t ask for DD back, she’ll give her to you before the bells”. But she didn’t. She held her, and then gave her a big kiss on the bells. She was only 2 months old.

Am I totally ridiculous that this still upsets me? MIL hasn’t been particularly nice to me over the years and it felt like she just wanted to steal that moment from me. Please don’t flame me for this. Genuinely trying to gauge if I am BU.

YANBU. That was deliberate and controlling. She was showing you who was boss. What an arsehole.

All else being equal, this is nothing.
But I'm guessing there are other things upsetting you?

You needed to ask for her back (or just not give her over). She wouldn’t have realised how important it was to you (or thought you’d be happy someone else was holding her).

It wouldn't occur to me that holding your baby for the bells was a special thing (ideally mine would be asleep!)

I didn't know it was a thing but if it is for you you should have said so

YABU. You didn’t ask for her back, didn’t seem reluctant to hand her over. How was she to know you wanted her back? I’m assuming you saw this as a ‘babies first’ type thing and I usually get people not wanting their babies ‘first’ taken over by other but I think you’re massively overthinking this. Your DD won’t remember this at all or ever ask who kissed her on her first New Year’s Eve. It’s not a thing.

You're still thinking about this nearly a year on? I would guess that a sizeable chunk of the population would be delighted to have something so utterly trivial to worry about. You are truly winning at life if that is the thing that is taking up so much of your thinking for so long.

If she had been asleep, that would have been fine. It’s that I was holding her, and MIL got up from her seat, walked over and took her from me just before the bells, gave her the big kiss and then handed her back. She wanted that moment and took it. Well that’s how it felt to me. She has been controlling about all sorts of things. For instance, bought us some baby things, but only of her choosing. Her choice of high chair, she bought a bedroom furniture set. It was never what I would have wanted and I had no say. I didn’t hold onto this or begrudge it at the time because I felt I was being ungrateful and hormonal. So I said thank you and smiled politely. And I did appreciate the gesture. She had shown no interest in me throughout the pregnancy and I felt like a vessel carrying her grandchild. She even had a go at my husband for being under the thumb when he was helping with housework whilst I was pregnant and working full time in a job where I was on my feet all day. I just feel hurt by her disregard for me and my feelings. I feel insignificant.

Your statement applies to 90% of posts on MN. Why are you here if it bothers you so much?

I bet this would be annoying and I think if my MIL had done this to me when DC was only 2 months old I would have been very upset. ( she wouldn't have done it because she was lovely).

However, try to see it in perspective. it was a random moment in time that your DD wasn't aware of and will have no memory of. Anything your MIL does to try and steal your moments can never ever change the fact that you are the Mum. You are now and will always be, the most important person in your child's life.

Grandparents matter and can be hugely influential but they are a step removed and will always be secondary to the influence and love of a parent.

My DD is currently pregnant with our first GC. I'm very excited and hope to play an active role in the baby's life but I would never try and usurp the parents. Anyone that tries to do that is doomed to failure.

I found that I only learned to set boundaries after I became a mum. There were so many things I just put up with and didn’t even realise, sometimes I feel so angry at how much some close family members took the piss. This is a great example of someone knowing they aren’t going to be challenged and snatching a memory / experience for themselves, people like this often find ways to insert themselves into milestones and precious moments. It doesn’t come overnight but you need to make her know her place and protect your family time.

First I've heard of this being a thing. But it meant something to you should have spoken up. Don't blame it on your MIL.

What a cow. Lay down your boundaries now. For instance, if she buys something you don't like or want don't use it or tell her it's not to your taste. She'll walk all over you and your DD if not. She's not the boss!

She's an arsehole.
Step back.
Don't visit.
Mute her.
You should never have accepted the furniture.
It is not normal to gift someone furniture without discussion.

Stop being so accommodating, it will get you nowhere with people like that.
Is your husband a mummys boy?
I hope not.

Maybe she wanted to and your dh to have a special moment. Maybe she wanted to avoid kissing her own dh at the bells 😅

she's a cow

She's an arsehole

WTF? She gets called these names because she can't read OP 's mind? Seriously?

Good grief.

YABU -
to think that MIL wanted to ‘steal the moment from you’ rather than that she simply wanted to hold her grandchild
to have not taken the baby back if it was really that important to you to be holding her at midnight (find your voice!)
to have been upset about this in the first place.
to still be upset a whole year later

Really, let this go.

I don’t think your MIL did anything at all wrong - apart from that some people don’t like people kissing their young baby. Is that what you object to? Why would you specifically want the baby back before “the bells”? That makes no sense to me.

I presume she was talking in general taking into account the Ops second post.

I didn't know that kissing your baby on New Year's Eve is "a thing". And to be honest it really wouldn't have occurred to me to be offended if someone (not just anyone obviously!) did it to my baby. But obviously OP there's a whole backstory to this.

I think MIL comes over as dominating and thoughtless tbh. The bells may not be a big thing in the scheme of things but she knew what she was doing. OP will need to find her words in future as I expect she will become quite manipulative.

I suspect there’s loads of others things MIL has done and this just tipped it.
you should have asked for her back but it’s done now.
avoid MIL at NY?
she may have thought you wanted to kiss your husband so she was giving you two space?? Or is she usually controlling?

She probably thought she was giving you a break, you could of just asked for her back. Giving me anxiety just thinking about you worrying about it.

Oh my goodness you’re still upset almost a year on ? I think there’s a backstory to this re your MIL. You handed the baby over and didn’t ask for her back so how is your MIL at fault ? I have never heard of this being a “thing” on NYE but if it is for you and your family you should have spoken up . Let it go and just get on and enjoy your baby

My MIL was like this with our first, he is their first GS ( he’s now 25 ) and I still seethe over incidents when he was a baby, I find it really hard to confront people, avoid any conflict etc -I’m now at an age where I don't particularly care what people think of that, its the way I am.
I barely see my MIL now, maybe at Christmas if I can be bothered.
She would keep hold of him , to get his wind up, interrogate me over the BF, have I eaten anything spicy, she would say” surely he doesn't need feeding again” ….
They wanted to come over for new years eve ( 1999) but i put my foot down and said no, not sure shes ever forgiven me!
Funnily enough she wasnt much interested when we had our second DS, or 8 years later when we had our DD.
Try to push the thoughts of her out of your head, enjoy your time with your own family, she’ll probably lose interest.