To still be annoyed at MIL about this??

[Swindlesong]

Last new year, when DD was a baby, we decided to spend the evening with DH’s parents. We don’t live nearby, so we’re tying this in with seeing other family. I was holding my baby in my arms and DH’s mum walked over and put her hands out and took her from me. Granted, I let her, but she is quite a dominant character and I wanted us to have a nice evening. It was a few minutes before midnight, and I was very torn. I thought to myself, “don’t ask for DD back, she’ll give her to you before the bells”. But she didn’t. She held her, and then gave her a big kiss on the bells. She was only 2 months old.

Am I totally ridiculous that this still upsets me? MIL hasn’t been particularly nice to me over the years and it felt like she just wanted to steal that moment from me. Please don’t flame me for this. Genuinely trying to gauge if I am BU.

You need a life OP.

Why am I not surprised that you are told you are unreasonable? Always the way - cool mumsnetters are never bothered by anything. You are obvs not unreasonable!

Sorry, I'm not 100% sure what the problem is but I'm thinking that your mother-in-law was being controlling in so much that she was holding your daughter at the stroke of new year, so that she would be guaranteed to be the first one to give the child a kiss and this was a power move?

And that's how you understood it to be, that you should have been holding her and therefore you could have given her the first New Year's kiss?

Only asking for clarification.

So it's been almost a year, you're thinking about the holidays now, you're thinking about New years and you're remembering how much what she did, pissed you off right?

Maybe it was a deliberate power move on her part in order to undermine you, and perhaps it was less so. Perhaps she just really wanted to keep holding her grandchild, and was secretly hoping to be the first one to give a kiss, not maliciously trying to deprive you, but just trying to make sure she got first dibs.

Still bother you? Yeah. Because it's getting to be the holidays again.
I always say forgive, but don't forget.
Cuz if you forget, you're going to make the same mistake again. But you should forgive to a point, because at this moment probably the only person who's got anguish and anger eating away at them is you and not her, and not your daughter... And who wants anger and anguish eating away at them?

(Edited a spelling error)

This OP but equally your feeling matter!

"Anything your MIL does to try and steal your moments can never ever change the fact that you are the Mum. You are now and will always be, the most important person in your child's life."

This is such a lovely thing to say to a new mum ❤️

To the OP - I can completely see why this upset you. I had lots of similar encounters with my MIL when my oldest DD was a few weeks old. She constantly told me how much my DD1 preferred her to me, called herself "mum" to my DD1, said she wanted to see her without me visiting (🙄) and constantly badgered me to leave DD with her overnight.

However, now DD1 is 3 and those things aren't important anymore. I am mum and I was much firmer with MIL when she tried to do the same with DD2. As pp said, you are mum and have the most important role in your children's lives.

Whatever it looked for anyone it wasn’t a nice kind gesture towards you. So have you learned from this moment and did it help you to work out a strategy for the future?

If it meant that much as being a ‘first’ then you should have said . She didn’t ‘take’ her from you . You gave her to her.

Wow it wouldn’t occur to me to kiss my baby in the new year (for one thing they’d be in bed). But if it was so important to you why not take the baby back? Theres even a count down to the moment!
If my PIL had been so generous to buy us baby furniture (I don’t think they got us anything other than a stuffed animal) and were foolish enough not to consult me first I would have said thank you but that’s not my taste and exchanged it. You are letting her take control. She has no more ‘value’ than you. Stand your ground better (and rope your partner in this).

I think some posters won’t see this as a control thing as they haven’t had a controlling GP. Why would MIL just take baby out of OP’s arms? Why wouldn’t she say shall I take baby so you can have New Year smooch with DH, and if OP didn’t want that then she wouldn’t take him. If you have had controlling GP you will see this as one of many things a MIL, DM could do to keep the power in their hands.

Yanbu. She obviously knew it could be a valuable moment for you as it was for her, hence taking your DC for it.
Sadly we don't always react quickly enough in the moment, especially when dealing with overbearing family members, especially ones we might feel we need to be polite to. You were also new to being a mum with DC at just 2 months.

What has the past year been like since then?
Sometimes I go.over things like this in my mind because I'm trying to prepare for next time - to not be caught of guard again.

Are you maybe more annoyed with yourself for not saying something at the time?

I know I’d have said “no I want to hold her”

I get it though. As someone who has had my own MIL issues. It’s not going to help your mental health continually thinking about it. You could do with trying t find a way to move on from it.

How are you in general? Any PPD or PPA? **

I voted that you are being unreasonable, but then saw your second post and changed my mind. She sounds like an arsehole. To berate her son for helping with chores while you're pregnant, and treating you like the vessel for her grandchild, eugh! Argh, awful MILs are the worst, sorry! But kudos to your partner for doing the chores anyway!

I think you’re being ridiculous. why does it matter who was holding your baby at midnight? 🤣🤣

Bells?? Church bells? Was it Nye?

Goodness no that wouldnt bother me in the slightest, I have five children and I don't think I've ever kissed one of them at midnight, pretty sure I kiss my husband and then each of them on a whole is closest at the time basis.

Are you sentimental or is it just because your mother in law .was the person holding the baby? My advice is try not to get caught up in my babies first x y z. Likelihood is if you work you will miss lots of firsts and if you get caught up on it it will lead to lots of upset. Also if you move onto having more children you won't feel the same about the next ones first so can become an upset for them.

Relax enjoy all moments and let go of the obsession with the firsts

She realised!

I don't like anyone holding my baby at 2 months old tbh. I feel like a possessive animal after I've given birth. Like when my babies have been in someone else's arms and they come back smelling of their perfume, I hate it.

It doesn't benefit me or the baby for other people to hold them so I let people have a token hold but keep them to myself mostly.

I really believe that newborns are an extension of you at that age and it feels invasive for someone else to feel entitled to holding them.

I get it. My MIL did things with/to my DC as babies which still upset me many years on. In my MIL’s case she really did “steal” those experiences, took my dignity, run roughshod over me. I 100% see that that quiet moment where the clock chimes and you’re holding the baby who changed your life into something new and amazing, she took it from you. Yes there already probably had been such moments (and there will be plenty more to come!), but in the way it was a significant enough moment for her to take the baby at exactly that time, so it was for you to have her at exactly that time. She wasn’t thinking of you at all. She was thinking of herself. She wanted to hold her granddaughter and have that moment with her and didn’t spare a thought for you or that she comes second to you when it comes to that child. I’m still bitter about never experiencing specific singular moments, and I won’t let that go. I mean, I don’t think of them unless prompted now, so much water has passed under that bridge, and it’s not like we don’t get on when we’re together. But no, I won’t forgive her and those episodes (just like all the other normal and good interactions) have shaped my relationship with her. Sadly for her it will never be what she wants it to be. How could to be when she plainly showed me what she thought of me?

I completely understand why this would upset you @Swindlesong. Especially having read your follow up post.

However, the responses of many on this thread shows that not everyone would consider it a big deal and maybe MiL just didn’t realise. I suspect that with NY approaching its reminded you.
Try to let it go x

I’m a MiL btw. I would never do any of those things but suspect I inadvertently and unintentionally, manage to annoy my DiL in others ways!

This

She's a bully and you're a total doormat. Bad combination. She could have held her hands out till her arms dropped off, nobody would have taken one of my babies from me if I didn't want them to. Nobody.

YABU. Your MIL didn’t snatch the baby from you without your permission and probably didn’t realise how important to you it was to be holding the baby at midnight. I wouldn’t have realised either.

I would be much more annoyed about the other things you mention in your subsequent post. You need to discuss it with your DH then both tell her politely that you’re very grateful for the things she’s bought for you or the baby, but in future you’d like to be able to choose things first your home and family yourselves.Your DH's support for this is crucial.

YANBU as it’s a way for her to have control. YABU for handing your dd over and not asking for her back. You need to start speaking up.

Sounds like you are upset about lots of things MIL has done but this one sticks in your mind more. Now you know that this can happen, avoid seeing her at 'special' times in future.