To still be annoyed at MIL about this??

[Swindlesong]

Last new year, when DD was a baby, we decided to spend the evening with DH’s parents. We don’t live nearby, so we’re tying this in with seeing other family. I was holding my baby in my arms and DH’s mum walked over and put her hands out and took her from me. Granted, I let her, but she is quite a dominant character and I wanted us to have a nice evening. It was a few minutes before midnight, and I was very torn. I thought to myself, “don’t ask for DD back, she’ll give her to you before the bells”. But she didn’t. She held her, and then gave her a big kiss on the bells. She was only 2 months old.

Am I totally ridiculous that this still upsets me? MIL hasn’t been particularly nice to me over the years and it felt like she just wanted to steal that moment from me. Please don’t flame me for this. Genuinely trying to gauge if I am BU.

YANBU to be a bit miffed or even upset by this if it meant so much to you

YABU to still be thinking about it all these months later. Move on.

You are being unreasonable for holding on to this non event for a year.

What’s a “kiss on the bells”?

Does “bells” = lips?

I’m French, sorry.

Regardless, your MIL sounds nasty… though not as nasty as my MIL who weaned my 4-month-old PFB when I left him with her with clear instructions to give him only my expressed milk.

Apparently she knew better.

MILs can be quite easily avoided, I have since found.

I’m amazed at posters calling something that obviously upset the OP as a non event. We don’t get to decide that.

It’s obviously not a non event to her and that’s what’s important.

What a bitch. Spend Christmas and NYE how you want to from now on, fuck her.

On the face of it the first one doesn’t sound that bad but as it seems like a pattern is emerging you really need to nip it in the bud now. Start by speaking up. If you didn’t want you MIL to take her you should’ve said oh you can have her in a minute it’s almost midnight and I want to share that with her.

Gifts wise… oh it’s really kind of you to offer but we had something else in mind. These situations are very difficult but you can be firm and polite. Get practicing you’ll feel a whole lot better when you do.

what's this business about bells? ws it New Years Eve?

I suggest your MIL knew exactly what she was doing. It was a deliberate act, thought about in advance.

If you are a pleaser, a non-combative person, maybe a shyer less confident person, it takes alot of guts to stand up to an older woman, yr H’s mother, someone who is verging on being domineering etc etc, it’s easy to just give in because often these people take you by surprise and to keep the peace you acquiesce whilst then deeply unhappy because you did. I’m not saying this is you OP. Watch your MIL , I strongly suspect this won’t be the last time she wants her own way with your child, be on your guard.

You are the only one to give your MIL the power to undermine you.
Be firm, say no. It doesn't have to be in a combatative or nasty way, just firm.
Does your DH support you or does he just go along with his mother?
Hopefully this year, if you see them at NYE, the baby will be firmly asleep!

Boundaries. Get some. Be prepared for pushback. Be prepared for for DH to push once MIL goes to him when you won't comply and he wants an easy life. Been there!!

I always kept my MIL at arms length as she was nasty & controlling. But, when I busted her trying to get DD to walk and I realised she'd been trying to steal firsts with both DC all along, I stopped her being alone with DC at all. DH was half the battle a he was well trained. Took years to get him to wake up to her behaviour.

Pick your battles, but don't let anyone walk all over you!!

I voted yabu. Then I read your second post. You are not being unreasonable.

There are so few people in life who will love your child completely and unconditionally. You have a different relationship with MIL but she is your child’s grandmother. If you want to be told she is a cow and YANBU then you’re in the right place, but in the grand scheme of things what she did is so insignificant it makes me wonder how you navigate the difficult things, and why after all this time you’re still thinking about it? Move on.

Last new year

Talk about holding a grudge. Are you sane?

Let it go. Life is short. Tomorrow is not promised for any of us, including our relatives (young and old). Heal my friend.

I had a MIL like this and I let her get away with it for years. I still remember the hurt she caused and I treat my own DCs partners very very gently.

Now I am grandmother age, I am astounded at the number of colleagues, friends and even my own DSIS who see their DILs aas rivals and say the most ridiculous stuff about them. How they have "stolen" their sons, it's all based on jealousy.

Honestly OP, you need to stand up to the bitch, I wish I had. You hold all the cards now.

Just make sure she isn't around - or you are not around her - for her to interfere with all upcoming firsts. She seems calculating and into power plays.

I think the real issue is her ability to make you feel powerless and you are more annoyed at yourself, perhaps, for not taking control? This is what you must build on and make sure you don't lose out on any future precious moments.with your daughter.

Plan holidays, be unavailable, have spontaneous events, too late to invite them to etc. 💐

Wrong. It's not insignificant to be undermined and belittled. OP does not have to put up with it.

I imagine this is a hurtful snippet of a wider issue. I found that the things that bugged me most were really the things where I was annoyed at myself, eg this would bug me because I'd be annoyed that i didn't speak up. I think just learn from it and speak up a bit more and you'll feel better. As soon as I started doing this all the things that used to bug me faded away because I knew they wouldn't happen again.

My MIL was like this but she kept screenshotting my photos on FB and using them as her own (among other controlling behaviours and constantly taking baby off me) I wrote about this anomymously on an advice page I know she follows, changing some details. I caught her talking to DH about it, she went very quiet and now with her next GC she doesn’t do any of it anymore. Sometimes you have to slyly let her know what she’s doing without directly telling her.

'She's happy here just now' would have been an appropriate response to MIL. YABU for not standing up for yourself.

So this is a much bigger picture than a NYE kiss. Don’t focus on that, as it minimises your issues and makes you look a bit petty.
You need to talk to your DH about your feelings and work out a way to navigate your relationship with her. Since she isn’t too interested in you, grey rocking may be the way forward, and leaving all contact between her and your child to your DH.
On the other hand, you may want to work at improving things between you - talk to DH and figure it out, but don’t get distracted by that one-off incident. It doesn’t help convey the whole story.

You were unreasonable to allow her to take your baby from you and you were unreasonable for not taking your baby back but it does sound very mean of your MIL to do what she did.
How has she been since then?

It's very obvious when a new mum is torn about handing over her baby. Any mother, no matter how long it's been, knows the feeling and can recognise it in others.

It genuinely wouldn’t occur to me to care whether I was holding a baby on the dot of nye. How odd.

Your mother in law probably did not realise how important it was for you and you should have asked for her back. Just let it go!