Being made to be the bad guy with brother’s toddler in relation to food in the house

[BuckwheatBlini]

I don’t think I’m hugely precious about my house, but I am also conscious that we upgraded our soft furniture, carpets etc a couple of years ago now our children are tweens and less grubby (in theory!).

My Brother and SIL came to visit last weekend with their 2 year old DN. He’s very sweet but he’s two, so a messy eater. They repeatedly allowed him to take food onto the sofa (cream coloured) and armchair, as well as taking weetabix into their bed upstairs.

A couple of times my SIL said ‘oh, do you mind him eating that on the sofa?’ knowing full well my own children aren’t permitted scrambled eggs on an armchair.

I then felt I had to either smile and say it’s fine, or push back, when surely the fact she asked means she knew it wasn’t ideal?

But then the toddler has a tantrum if his food is taken away, and I feel like I’m the bad guy for triggering it. We have plenty of non carpeted spaces and A TABLE but they didn’t seem to want to set boundaries. If it had been me, I would have insisted the food stayed at the table and not put the veto back on the host.

AIBU?

I do like them though! I don’t want them to not visit again.

I think it has happened as until very recently he was an angel so they’ve never had to say no before!

“All food at the table, cheers. Saves my nice new sofas!”
”Yes, at the table. Same rule for all of us!”
”yes, still at the table 🤣!”
”here you are, I’ve put wipes at the table for you! Thank God we've passed the sticky finger stage!”

on repeat. Constantly,

Even a truly angelic child, who really wants to do the right thing, needs parents to teach (and demonstrate) appropriate behaviour.

Did they bring a high chair? My niece is coming to us this weekend and I'm fully expecting a high chair as well as a stair gate to be dropped off with her. Also in the bedroom is a bit yuck, can't they just take him in to the kitchen to feed him?

Crap parenting comes to mind from your brother and sil.

Crappy parenting

Toddler eats at the table. Or doesn't eat.

No, he can't go upstairs in the bed to eat Weetabix, what the f are you thinking, sil?? Tinkly laugh

Yeah, he's always been an angel

Until now!!!!!!

We have a similar issue when my brother brings his 4 year old round.

4 year old is allowed to sit in another room, watching TV and eating biscuits while a plate of food for him, at the table goes cold and into the bin.

Every time.

“taking weetabix into their bed upstairs.”

This is the point at which I would have lost it! Just tell them: no food upstairs, and no exceptions. I think the throw on the sofa idea is a good one, in order not to fall out with your DB and SIL, but I think they are massively unreasonable.

I’m on the same page as you. It is easier to teach a toddler by instilling good habits early. But as they aren’t, I’d buy some big cheap throws that you can bring out whenever they visit.

I didn’t actually realise the weetabix was happening at the time, until they brought the congealed bowl back down the next morning. It definitely hadn’t been eaten! Weetabix is like cement when dry too, so I’d have been furious if it got into the carpet.

They didn’t bring a high chair but put a cushion on a normal chair to prop him up a bit when he was at the table.

Okay, so you get it! They also seem to offer him 5 different options all in adult portion which all get uneaten. It’s a huge waste

I would only say yabu by not enforcing it!

Your house and your rules! Why say it's fine when it's not.

They should know better and have shocking manners. But dont let them do it out of politeness. They aren't being polite to you.

"A couple of times my SIL said ‘oh, do you mind him eating that on the sofa?’ knowing full well my own children aren’t permitted scrambled eggs on an armchair."

You feel as if you are being the bad guy, when it is they who are being the bad guys in multiple ways (not respecting host, not teaching child basic life skills). So have an answer ready that pushes the 'bad' back onto them.

I would answer 'You know I mind. Why do you keep asking? My answer is NOT going to change.'

That way you are not the bad guy for restating your known boundaries, she is the bad guy for trying to override your already-stated boundary.

We made a huge roast yesterday - lots of options of meat / veg / sides so something he would like and cousins to sit and eat with. But he sat in the other room eating snacks!

After lunch they took him home for his lunch... it was weird. But gave me time to hoover the crumbs out of the bloody sofa!!!!

Your house your rules.

We eat together at the table when we have guests. Especially the smaller ones who are more messy.

Toddlers and young children should be eating at a table. Being distracted by the TV or moving around can be a serious choking risk, look it up. You really want to put your nephew at risk because THREE ADULTS refuse to say no??

Loud and forceful, NO FUCKING FOOD ON THE SOFA, KITCHEN ONLY UNLESS YOU WANT TO REPAY THE COST!

I mean, she asked so you had your opportunity to say no.

Any toddler in my house with food is at the table and cleaned before they are allowed down. My house my rules.

You are trying to be a people pleaser, not saying what you want resulting in confusion. As soon as the food is being made just say children’s food is at table only in this house.

Your home, your rules. It's extremely rude to allow your child to take food and eat it sat anywhere other than the table, whilst in someone else's house. You need to say something, and be firm 'I'm sorry Sarah, but James needs to sit at the table and eat, I don't allow food anywhere else in the house'. If they don't like it tough. Yes, it can be tough making a toddler sit at a table to eat, but it's how they learn table manners! You have to use distraction techniques, and parent! Your SIL can't be bothered, because it's too much hassle.

I sympathise OP - I'd feel awkward saying no and being the one to enforce it too - that's shit.

While we are reasonably relaxed and have no problem with teenage DCs and their friends eating on the sofa (ie. we're not a exclusively food at the table / downstairs household like some posters) DCs absolutely always ate at a table aged 2 and well beyond, as did every friend and family member I knew.

Plus, even when ours were of an age where they were allowed snacks in the living room at home, would always assume at a table at somebody else's house unless host actively invites eg. "Kids you can have your ice cream in front of the movie"

So they are being very unreasonable behaving like this in your house imo...

I splashed out and bought a £3k sofa, velvet. Our sofa was so old, saggy and tbh, I have never had a really nice bit of furniture and it has to see me 'out'.

Other half, my lovely messy other half is banned from eating on it, so I think you're totally within reasonable behaviour to not want a 2 year old! 😄

Actually they as adults are just as bad, e.g. leaving a half eaten apple on the hallway carpet (intended to be eaten later but still messy…).

WHAT?!

That is absolutely minging.