Expected to care and provided for my older brother

[Brothernotmyproblem]

So my dad died when I was 10 and my brother 20. Mum found it hard but coped. I didn’t want anything from my brother but over the years he’s only given me £10 a year on my birthday for the last 40 years

i didn’t want anything but for your 18th, 21st, buying my house a bit more would have been nice. He's got a daughter he’s never sent a penny to all her life. He’s contracted abroad in many countries and used to earn a LOT of money

hes lost his jobs, mainly through drinking and wasted a lot of money along the way. He’s recently moved back in with my mum in her housing association house. It’s 3 bedroom and she gets relief due to the granny tax

i doubt she can get him on the tenacy as he wouldn’t get housing benefit, (she’s put him on council tax which she’s paying) I’ve got a feeling I’m being lined up to have him move into my house if something happens to my mother who’s 80. How do I be strong in this?

Having been in a similar situation, my advice would be not to explain or excuse why he can't stay with you. If you do, he/your mum will try to find a solution to the 'problem' preventing it from being possible. Eg. 'Can't work from home with anyone else in the house = Why not go in to the office to work? What if brother agrees to go elsewhere from 9-5 weekdays? What if the spare room became a study and was fitted with a lock and you had headphones for work calls? 'Need a room for my cats'= So your cats are more important than your own brother? Other people have cats without a separate room. Etc.
Also, don't allow him in to your home for even one night. Prepare yourself for this, in case he tries to use emotional blackmail the day your mum passes (eg. I can't cope being in her house without her).

Don't take on the responsibility of sorting the problem for him. With this type of person I've learned to my cost that by trying to be helpful and look in to options for them there's a good chance that they will just assume (and tell extended family) that you are sorting it all out for them so expect that when that doesn't happen it's your fault and your responsibility to take them in. Even if they don't really believe it, they will use it as an excuse- 'I thought sister was sorting out the tenancy and she hasn't so now I'm homeless! It's all her fault and now she won't even let me stay for a few days!'

For now, you need to decide whether it's better for you to:

1. Have an open discussion at this stage, making it clear that you will not accommodate brother so he needs to make plans now for where he will live and how he will afford to pay his rent and bills etc. Keep asking him what he's doing to sort this, so that he gets the message that it's his responsibility and you really won't take him in.
2. Ask the question at this stage but don't push it, to save upsetting your mum. Then when the time comes be brutally honest that you won't be supporting him and he needs to leave.

If I were you, I would look in to what your responsibilities will be, as executor of the will (if that's the case) about returning the house to the HA. When a relative of mine died the executors were given a fairly short amount of time to clear the house and return it to the HA. They also had to pay rent until is was handed back to the HA. This will be much trickier if there is someone else living there and refusing to move/remove his belongings/allow you in to clear furniture etc. If it takes a while it sounds like the rent could use all the money left by your mum. Even if you decide not to push it with brother until your mum dies, I would advise speaking to the HA, as executor, to find out what the process is and what generally happens if there is someone else living there as a 'guest' at the time.

Absolutely this. 👆 The sheer entitlement and expectation of a man who's earned good money over this lifetime and not made any provision for his future, thinking that the women in his family will come to his rescue, makes me rage. Honestly, OP, if this remotely came up in conversation I would laugh - laugh whilst saying, in an incredulous tone of voice, "What on earth makes any of you think I would ever have DB live with me?! We are not close. He's always lived his life and I've always lived mine. Separately. And that's how it will continue. He's an adult and can take care of himself." Repeat ad nauseum.
@Brothernotmyproblem Regarding housing for your DB, when your DM dies your DB will be technically homeless (if he's not on the tenancy for her HA property). He should then make a homeless application to the local authority, but be aware, they can discharge their duty to rehome him (assuming they have a duty) by simply pointing him to the private rental sector. Once he's found a property to rent, he can claim the Housing element of UC (I assume he's already claiming UC and getting the Standard Allowance?) BUT the Local Housing Allowance (LHA) will cap the maximum they will pay him for rent, so he should check, via this link, what's the maximum he would be paid for shared accommodation: https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/ For example, in my area, the LHA for shared accommodation is £120.82pw (or £523.55pm) so, with no other income for him to contribute to his rent, £523.55pm would be the maximum he would be able to afford for rent if he lived in my area. But do use this link to check the maximum LHA for your DM's area.

ETA: Having him on your DM's tenancy will make no difference if he can't afford the rent for a 3-bed property (I assume he can't) as the HA would ultimately evict him if he failed to pay the rent. However, as PPs have highlighted, it could give him the right to swap to a smaller property (but note, as long as that takes he would still be liable for the rent on the 3-bed property).

Thank you all again for your supporting comments, you really are giving me the strength to hold my own when the conversations happen.

@letshybernatenow thanks for your comment and taking the time to write it. Interesting that you mention my role as executor of the will. I didn’t think about that

my mum is actually decluttering her house as she doesn’t want to leave a mess for other people to sort our but she's not addressing the biggest problem

"The space is saved for Helen. You might not know her, she's his daughter, he hasn't supported her .. ever, actually, so we are trying to".

Just tell him no… you don’t have to take in an alcoholic who you don’t really have much of a relationship with. He’s an adult and can sort himself out. Perhaps have some options ready for him if he does ask - hostels, homeless shelters etc.

Tell your family you've taken in a lodger and no longer have a room available. I would also refuse to live with a deadbeat dad, hate the lazy bastards.

In some cases you can ascend a tenancy but that is not necessarily the home you are currently living in. If your DB doesn’t qualify for a 3 bedroom house they will rehome him to something suitable without him having to go through all the usual loopholes to get a council/HA property.

Why lie? Telling this lie would suggest that the person lying agrees that they ought to provide a home to someone if they didn't already have a lodger.

OP has no obligation to do this and can simply say no without making up false excuses or lame reasons. The right to the dignity and privacy of a home you pay for yourself and don't have to share with anyone that you don't choose to isn't something any grown adult needs their family's agreement to be allowed.

Thanks again all. I've worked hard to get my 35 year mortgage age 67 down to being paid off in 4 years at 55. You comments are all really helpful

i'm happy to give him 'all' my mums inheritance which is about £10k because was all left to me to stop any arguments and most importantly giving me ownership of any pets and take ownership of them not him. Does that complicate anything?

Then the rest of the family are at liberty to take him in aren’t they.

He is not your responsibility. It’s not as if he’s disabled.

Ask him now what he’s planning to do if he can’t live with your mum any more (e.g. she needs to go into a nursing home - you don’t need to mention her death if you don’t want to). If you said "You know you’ll need to find somewhere you can afford on your own" it would make it clear to him that he can’t expect to move in with you. If he asks outright you'll have to be equally blunt in response.

Don’t let him move in "just for a short time" - you’d never get him out.

I want to say thanks again to everyone for your comments. I actually used a lot of it in a conversation with my mum today. we were talking about council tax and how as a minimum he should be paying her the extra 25% she now has to pay

my mum made a long standing joke about her turning my shed into a granny flat for her. I said 'you're welcome but my brother isn't' her face just dropped

she asked if I was worried about being stuck with him, I said yes he's not moving in with me. Everything she’s done in recent years, making me her POA, Will only to me, clearing out clutter etc was to make it easier for me not having to deal with stuff with him

we had a chat, helped by this thread, and he's already on CT, electrical role and all his benefits have him living with relative at the address. Next step is she’s going to get him formally on tenancy

As PP also said a lot of this was in my head, there was no expectation from my mum of him moving in with me. She’s going to be the one, supported behind the scenes by me, to get everything in place for him

On the tenancy so he'll be officially classed as homeless when she 'runs off with Hugh Jackman' rather than when she snuffs it

good luck @Brothernotmyproblem ; it's a delicate situation but it sounds like your mum might have been given a bit of a reality check but really was already aware that he couldn't stay with you.

Let them home him.

Would you let an alcoholic, work shy stranger move in? Because that’s what he is - he’s a stranger, you just happen to share parents.

He’s not attempted to build a sibling relationship with you, has swanned about doing exactly what he wanted his whole life, shirked his parental and family responsibilities and not behaved like an adult. He’s still not, despite knowing the potential consequences.

He is NOT your problem. If your mum is worried about what will happen to him she needs to be putting pressure on him to solve the issue, not you. If he ends up homeless HE will have caused it, not you.

You’ve worked hard to provide for yourself and it is your right to enjoy your home, alone and in peace.

He's an adult and responsible for himself. Mention that to your Mum too. If your family say anything to you you just reply he is an adult and will need to sort himself out. Nothing to do with you. Don't be a martyr OP. If you let him move in you'd never get rid of him.