Expected to care and provided for my older brother

[Brothernotmyproblem]

So my dad died when I was 10 and my brother 20. Mum found it hard but coped. I didn’t want anything from my brother but over the years he’s only given me £10 a year on my birthday for the last 40 years

i didn’t want anything but for your 18th, 21st, buying my house a bit more would have been nice. He's got a daughter he’s never sent a penny to all her life. He’s contracted abroad in many countries and used to earn a LOT of money

hes lost his jobs, mainly through drinking and wasted a lot of money along the way. He’s recently moved back in with my mum in her housing association house. It’s 3 bedroom and she gets relief due to the granny tax

i doubt she can get him on the tenacy as he wouldn’t get housing benefit, (she’s put him on council tax which she’s paying) I’ve got a feeling I’m being lined up to have him move into my house if something happens to my mother who’s 80. How do I be strong in this?

Just say no and keep saying no. Why should you be his carer?! From what you had put as your title, I was assuming he was disabled, but it sounds like he’s just wasted his money.

He can take his chances like everyone else and try and get to take over your DM’s tenancy, but that’s it. He’s not ill, he doesn’t need caring for. Just be clear with him and your family now that he needs to make his own arrangements.

As an aside, why are there so many useless fucking men around who expect female family members to look after them?

The council will make him exchange for a 1 bedroom

He's not disabled and needs a carer , he's A scrounger. You have no. obligation to him at alk. Let him reap what he sowed.

If he's living in her house when she dies the housing association will likely have to go to court to evict him, they won't be able to just tell him to leave. He will be able to get housed through the council in some kind of emergency accommodation if he has nowhere to go and no income and gets made homeless through no fault of his own. Don't let him over your threshold or they will consider him housed.

If he is legally living in a council/housing association property in whatever capacity, and the tenant dies, and so is made unintentionally homeless, then the local authority have a duty of care to house him.

That is likely to be a hostel or if he's really lucky, 1 bed flat/bedsit, which will be within his means to pay for from his benefits.

If he is NOT legitimately living there, ie, not registered there, she's been paying less CT as a single person etc, ie his status is that of a temporary guest, then they don't have that duty of care.

Not your circus, not your stinky idle monkey, if anyone suggests you should have him, you suggest they have him right back.

I wouldn’t say anything. Your mum won’t be able to make you do anything. Just point him to SS if the time comes. Does she rent? Would he have to move out if she died? If the subject comes up just say it won’t be happening and he needs to get his ducks in a row. He isn’t disabled just useless with money.

As it is HA he will have to move to somewhere smaller. Let the council sort him out when the time comes. Massive assumption on both their parts. He is an adult and not your responsibility. Don’t let him move in or the council will deem him not homeless. He won’t be able to stay where he is though. Is he allowed to live there? Surely your mum should tell them? It isn’t her house.

Op this isn’t your issue to fix. He needs to get a job. I wood be having a frank conversation with my mother about her enabling him to stay there rent free, and not pushing for him db to become an independent man. A few hernia operations would not prevent anyone working long term

After that I would be asking my brother what his plans are. I would be clear that moving in with you isn’t an option and never will be. In an unapologetic way. Once you have had that conversation you will feel better. He is a perfectly coherent adult man, and not your problem op.

He didn't work in the private security sector, did he? Close protection ...? I ask because my recent ex-partner did, and he is in more or less this same situation as your brother.

Earned loads, never saved a penny, never bought a house, a car, a pension ... and finally, he claimed he was too ill to work (at all, doing anything) and decided to sit and watch me earn for both of us.

Eventually, I made him leave after he wanted to take my car one day to go see his friend while I had just worked an 18-hour shift to make ends meet!

After I made him go, he soon shacked up with another poor woman who is fully supporting him, but this was only after his mum, in her late 80s, said he could no longer live with him in her retirement housing! He had been sponging off her for decades until he was in his fifties!

But he still uses her address for his mail (including lots of debt) and doesn't pay bills or council tax anywhere!

And I agree, it isn’t your mother’s house. The house belongs to the council, and it will be decided by them where he is moved to (otherwise he can rent a room in a house share like everyone else in his position) he needs to address his addiction.

Just noooo! You have no responsibility for xx grown man. It wouldn’t work and you’d be miserable, don’t do it.

I would just put this on the back burner until the time comes. If he does expect to move in with you then get strict with him

He can expect what he likes, his expectation places no obligation on you.

A hernia doesn't make him too ill to work. OP--Please don't even let him into your house for a visit. See him and your Mom at her place or in public.

When the time comes, just say "No". You can only be a doormat when you let someone wipe their feet on your back. You worked long and hard for what you have and work long an dhard to keep it. It is YOURS and only YOURS. And your cats, who are nice enough to let you live there and take care of them.😉😻

i do wonder if the expectation is one that is more in your head than anybody else’s? It is possible to believe things about your own family that aren’t actually what they think. But you know them, we don’t.

Just to be clear, no you don’t have to have an alcoholic to live with you just because you’re related. You don’t have to have anybody.

He could either do a mutual exchange for a smaller place or take in a lodger, income from lodgers is ignored by UC.

Just say No, I have similar issue with older sister, I've let my mum know in no uncertain terms that I will not be taking her and her problems on after mums death.

Most HA’s have stopped this now.
I work in housing, and the amount of men that moved in with their elderly mother in the former family home, for a few weeks/months before trying to get added to the tenancy was shocking.
It was ALWAYS men too, 9/10 in to their mums 3 bed house. Then they would want the tenancy in their name when their mum died or went in to a care home. Single men taking up family homes. Sometimes there assisted with a 1 bed flat. Sometimes they are told to find their own accommodation.

You say that your brother has earned a lot over the years living abroad; has he made any private pension arrangements? Has he paid enough NI in the UK to qualify for a state pension?

I would take a very large step away from this OP, your brother is an adult and you are not responsible for him. All those caring (judgmental) family members are free to step forward and take responsibility for him.

So he turns up at the council as homeless. A place in a hostel might focus his mind to get a job.

Not even a single night at yours! He’s not your responsibility. Don’t do it. Why should you? So what if family think he should be the parasite in your life? You ought not to be supporting him.

He may well have the right to succeed to your mothers tenancy in which case he will be offered a smaller property that will be paid for by benefits

I suggest you make sure that your mother has declared he's living there

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/stay_in_home_when_council_tenant_dies?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=2009265823&gbraid=0AAAAAD-7KjVvAzxfUXWHzAau2oN_9zigq&gclid=Cj0KCQiAiebIBhDmARIsAE8PGNLoE9QvSeUBbDylXiN_Yw9BWz1QEPbjZiJXrKuP2-OH98zSAtifqzMaAkmaEALw_wcB

This. To be honest I wouldn't duscuss it until it happens - it'll only cause you trouble sooner.
Stand firm when the time comes. Tell him to ask his NOK (DD) 😂