Expected to care and provided for my older brother

[Brothernotmyproblem]

So my dad died when I was 10 and my brother 20. Mum found it hard but coped. I didn’t want anything from my brother but over the years he’s only given me £10 a year on my birthday for the last 40 years

i didn’t want anything but for your 18th, 21st, buying my house a bit more would have been nice. He's got a daughter he’s never sent a penny to all her life. He’s contracted abroad in many countries and used to earn a LOT of money

hes lost his jobs, mainly through drinking and wasted a lot of money along the way. He’s recently moved back in with my mum in her housing association house. It’s 3 bedroom and she gets relief due to the granny tax

i doubt she can get him on the tenacy as he wouldn’t get housing benefit, (she’s put him on council tax which she’s paying) I’ve got a feeling I’m being lined up to have him move into my house if something happens to my mother who’s 80. How do I be strong in this?

Doesn't sound as if that should stop him working though?

Just say no . The guys a loser through bad choices . Don’t let him move in be one of yours . If your family get upset say they’re welcome to have him move in with them .

We have a similar situation with bil. We very firmly said we are not taking him in. Mil seemed surprised and tried to guilt trip DH, but he stood firm (thank god) I honestly don't know what will happen to him in the future and sometimes I do feel bad for the guy but his situation is entirely of his own making and not our responsibility

Just act surprised if anyone hints you might take him in and say “that’s not possible “ and “ that won’t be happening “.

If your Mum raises it say “if you are worried Mum, his best bet is to get on the tenancy here, or at least to stay here do that he can get council help if this place is deemed to big for him”

Grrr: people like your brother make me do angry, silting up the availability of social housing that should be available to young struggling families - but no way is that YOUR problem to try and solve.

Your home is your workplace. You don’t want an alcohol abusing, on the sick, ageing man who will become more frail and needy in your house all day long.

It’s really simple, when the time comes you help him look (if asked) at rental options. Then, when it becomes apparent there are none - he declares himself homeless to the council and follows the necessary process to be rehoused.
With kindness (and you don’t even suggest this, so more aimed at your family), what about your brother makes him so special he shouldn’t follow the current processes necessary to find accommodation? Why should his stubbornness at his own situation be your problem?
If you put him up, the council will never house him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Sorry, but he’s an adult. Your family should expect him to be able to conduct his life independently, not for you to take care of him.

I started reading your OP expecting you to say he was disabled or had some sort of special needs and that your mother had been his life-long carer - but he’s not, is he? He’s a selfish, self-centred fool who has been enabled in his poor decisions by your mother offering him refuge in her home. She is entitled to make that decision, however foolish it is, because she is his mother and also an adult. No one can impose that choice on you.

As other PPs make clear, he is not your responsibility when she dies. He can apply for social housing and UC etc either now or when she dies. Not your problem. I’d just make it clear now, if the conversation ever leans into it, that you are not offering money or a home to him. As the expression goes: he’s big enough and ugly enough to sort himself out.

Yeah this stopped a while ago in the LA housing I used to work for. They also won’t have a legal duty to rehouse him.

No but if the tenancy transfers to him the council can then move him to a smaller property and they’ll lease the 3 bed to a family.

Im surprised that didn’t happen to your mum as a single woman in her own.

Mh council always move people and pay towards moving costs.

One of them can have him then.

No, of course you don't need to provide a roof and care for your adult brother. Neither does your mum. He doesn't need to be able to afford to maintain a 3 bed HA flat alone. If he is made homeless when your mum dies, if he is 60+ and unable to work because of illness health he will be accommodated and wait listed for a suitable property.
If your mum is able to add him to her tenancy then he may be able to inherit that and then exchange it for something more affordable and suitable for him when the time comes.
If he is terrible at admin then you could consider helping to find out what the options and likelihood of these are now. Helping him settle independently long term rather than upending your life and comfort.

Been where you are OP…

You need to be clear up front and don’t leave anything to assumptions. Start prepping your brother now to start thinking about what is going to happen to him. Even if it means he dislikes you now and you fall out… you’re going to fall out anyway when the time comes and he realizes you are not mopping up after him.

Do not let anything be vague now. Give him a fair chance to make a plan before he assumes that his future is sorted. Then your conscience is clear.

Well there you go then, there’s your genuine reason why he can’t ever move in.
”If he moves in I won’t be allowed to continue my job and will therefore lose it”.
He can’t move into a house that you can’t pay the bills for with no job!
I honestly despair of the emotional blackmail some families feel they have a right to heap onto the person that they decide should be looking after everyone else.
If your mother’s so worried about her leech of a son being incapable of managing, she should be helping him sort his own life out - not preparing you to have yours messed up by him too.
You need to grow thick skin and set iron clad boundaries - this is Not on you to resolve. He is not your responsibility and no one should be making you feel that he is.

His choices, his problem.
You are both adults, he has been able to hold down jobs for years and avoid paying child support. He is not vulnerable and in need of care. Your mother can choose to house him but nothing moral or legal says you have to.
You could suggest to him that he gets advice, CAB or Shelter, on his housing position now and in the future. Possibilities are that he gets added to your Mum’s tenancy and can then stay on, that he accepts he cannot have this for some reason and applies now for social housing as he will wait ages, that he does nothing now and presents as homeless when that is necessary (benefits would be assessed on new situation).
As your mother is 80 I assume he is not yet of state pension age so a possibility of course is that he gets a job and is able to support himself. And help her out. But from everything you have said that might not be attractive to him.

there is usually over 55 accommodation available through the council or housing associations. So that’s what he’ll have to move in to.
You could prepare by seeing what’s available in your area and where it is advertised. If your mum can pass the house to him that would be great as then he could swap and they’ll be keen for him
to swap. I wouldn’t mention it to either of them but I would be prepared so I knew the process

if I was in your position and your mother was no longer with us

If your brother was not on the tenancy, id help him fill out the homeroom/council forms, check out their website to do once you are homeless.

if he is aged over 55 then its likely he will be housed much quicker, if he is homeless he will be housed much quicker, the council will be aware they have removed his home as his mother has died

all these things will help him get a place of his own

making sure he bids for properties each week, as that is often the state of "being on the list" many people don't bother to bid weekly and then will complain they've been on "the list" for 2 years and not been offered anything. Yet others who bid each week get offered a property in 4/5 months. Of course they'll be exceptions to this, bt in the majority of cases its people not doing what they need to do, either through ignorance or inability

Thanks all for your words and I’m sorry that some of you have been in this situation. You've given me strong views and words to use if the time comes

interesting @Greyhound98 you say it's 9/10 men who try to get on the tenancy of an elderly parent. A neighbour down the road from her did this but it was maybe 15 years ago now

i'm going to get my mum to try to put him on the tenancy. She’s not on any benefits and is paying the extra council tax already.

he's worked abroad for quite a few years at a time so I’ll be surprised if he’s paid much NI. I'll get him to check, make it start to feel real for him

And don’t get me started on the 'surprise' VAT, Corp Tax bills he had during his working years that’s he's had help from my mum from

make sure your brother is on the electoral register each a year and see if he is named on the council tax demand. This would obviously show how long he has been living in the uk after being abroad for a number of years. In the future he may need housing benefit or council tax relief and this things maybe useful to show. They may never be requested, but its worth ensuring now for peace of mind

Oh right so he's squandered his future and now he's helpless so the expectation is that you step up. No. Don't you dare.

I think you are being set up.

His failure to plan is not your responsibility.

If your family don't like it they can have him move in.

@mbosnz has hit the nail on the head, @Brothernotmyproblem.

He's not your problem. Hes an adult male. Just say no cant move in.

Any family members who expect you to house him can house them themselves if it's such a crime that he isn't housed by one of you.

You don't have to give a reason why you won't allow a grown man to move in with you in a space you've worked hard to achieve.

You're going to have to be strong and anyone who asks 'when is bro moving into yours?' just parrot back 'when is bro moving into yours?'

They may say 'you're his sister' and you say 'you're his cousin's mum's butterfly'

No one can make you let him move in. Anyone who chooses to push you can just be hung up on. Don't answer your door without knowing who it is.

This is not on. He can't just coast through life and dump himself on the females in his family. So many men do this.

Stop doing so much labour for him and allowing him to stress you out.

Men are like drugs. Just say no.

Brother in this case not your problem, family need to step up and help sort him out if they are that concerned.
Please don't get lumbered, one of my exh was a drinker and it nearly tore my family apart before I divorced him and he died 6 months later booze related.

Surely this is his problem to figure out? He's a grown man!

If he ever approaches the topic of living with you I would merely express my astonishment at the very idea; "Good Lord, what on earth made you think you would move in with me? I have no desire to live with anyone. Ever." Then laugh it off.

I wouldn't raise the issue myself. This introduces the notion that you have some sort of responsibility to help him sort out his housing. You don't.

Why do so many people assume that single adults who are capable of working are automatically rehoused if they go to the council?
The council can and do refuse to accommodate people all the time. Not that that is the OPs problem, but she needs to be aware as it takes strong boundaries in that situation

Many HAs have strict policies to avoid tenancy succession, to avoid properties going to people who would never have met the criteria for getting a HA property in their own right. They understandably want them back in the system to go to those who are in need.
Many HAs will have a system that would allow him to be a permitted tenant, but that's not the same as a joint tenant with succession rights.

He needs to be prepared to go into a houseshare, like everyone else who can't afford to private rent on their own.

Well tell the rest of your family you don’t expect them to have your brother homeless…