To have a favourite child?

[neverputtingthelaundryaway]

Obviously it is totally, horribly unreasonable but I do. I don’t like myself for it; it I could stop and just honestly and sincerely love them both the same I would. And if I’d known my feelings would be so different I’d have severely questioned the wisdom of having another but … this is where I am. Can’t afford counselling.

I have 2 daughters and love them both the same amount, I’d do anything for either of them. I am glad of this, because I definitely feel like my mum has favourite children and I’m the least!

I dont have a favourite child but I do have a favourite grandchild. As far as I'm concerned I can't do anything about it, we just connect but I try to spend equal time with them all, very careful about spending equal amounts on presents, try do special things with each of them. Can't do things every week as I have eight of them but might buy tickets for a trip to the theatre or to visit a special place and they all get a turn. It does change with age e.g. when they are babies they don't need trips and when they are at uni they tend to prefer£20 in a card.

I don't think mine would all pick the right one if someone asked them who my favourite was.

You have recognised a serious problem which is an excellent first step. But please don't let it be your last step. You absolutely must address the issue immediately. Your son knows exactly how you feel about him. He may not be able to articulate it (because he's a 5-year-old) but he absolutely knows. And it is damaging him every day. I expect part of the reason he behaves as he does when your DD is present is precisely because he knows that you favour her.

You've said you don't have money for counselling. Are you certain that there is nothing in the household budget that you could cut in order to afford therapy? I would say it should be a priority.

Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. You can still love them both equally.

Noone believes it until they have a second and love them just as much. How odd to speak so confidently on something you've no way of knowing

I don’t know about age. Objectively the five year old is the ‘easier’ one. I don’t think DD is a particularly difficult two year old but she’s definitely still two, tantrums are a daily part of life and I do definitely find her frustrating and exhausting sometimes. But it’s clouded in this sort of understanding.

Love them both exactly the same. Like them both exactly the same. Can't imagine otherwis

Have you always felt this way about your elder child? Did you have a strong bond with him from the time he was a newborn? Or did your feelings toward him change when your daughter was born?

5 yr olds are/can be intensely annoying. I suspect you find 2 easier than 5 and are thinking it's the specific child. When mine were 4 and 1 I felt a bit like that and now they are 7and 4 and it turns out 4 yr olds are just a nightmare

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I have a DS and a DD and hand on heart I love them both so much, but over the years I've preferred being with one more than the other depending on circumstances. It's normal.

I love and adore mine equally. More than anything.

I’ve always found him difficult to be honest. I’m not suggesting it’s his fault. He was born in the third lockdown (very end of 2020) which of course was hard and it was midwinter, dark and cold. Had a horrible birth with him. I have been very guilty of taking his behaviour personally and also fretting at length about how others perceive us, feeling like a bad parent and that others must think he’s not a very nice child.

You should pour all your energy and love into the child you like less. They deserve to be loved unconditionally and wholly; parents are really the only people in life who are meant to love you so deeply. Your child deserves to feel that while you work on your issues.

That sounds like a rough start to parenthood for you. I really feel for you, as I think many women have a vision of what becoming a mother will be like, and the reality is often quite different. I definitely think you can turn things around and strengthen your bond with your son. But it probably will involve some professional help.

Yes - I think the rose tinted glasses had come off with the second child!

I think it’s real.

I am my dad’s favourite just because I did well at school.. and he may have vocalised it.
My brother is my mums favourite because he was the cutest little boy…and she definitely vocalised it!
Funnily enough, it may psychologically be one of the reasons why I stuck at 1 child.

My MIL has 4 and she definitely favours 1 over the others.
I don’t know how it can’t exist. I personally wouldn't like to feel like it and I’m glad it’s not a dilemma I have. But YANBU.

I have three and love them all the same. Genuinely. None of them are more challenging than another though each has their own challenges and personality. I love spending time with all of them.

Unfortunately, your black sheep will pick up on this and likely develop behavioral problems, thus creating a “feedback loop”. You and he will become increasingly estranged and your favouritism will drive a wedge between him and his sibling.

This is all very troubling narcissistic behavior, OP, and is very much a “you” problem.

Time to remove your head from you-know-where and do better. Your children deserve it.

If I knew how, I’d do so in a heartbeat

My teen DS thinks his sister is the favourite child because she has a different, more easygoing personality to him and is younger so of course there is a different approach (just as he had 5 years ago). It upsets me so much as I cannot bear him to think this. I wish he could see inside me and understand how much I love him. I spend more time thinking about him than anyone else in the world. He is so jealous of his sister and she worships him. It’s not healthy all round. I have to work hard every day to try and make sure they both feel valued and loved. It isn’t easy.

I’m sorry you feel like this about your children. I wonder if over time you will come to see your feelings for each of them as different rather than better or worse. Your relationship with them will change and mature as time goes on. Keep looking for those strands that bind you to each child in their own way rather than comparing them, and your feelings about them.

I wouldn't worry too much while they're young, unless it's impacting the parent child relationship. I love my (adults) equally but there have definitely been times throughout their childhoods where I preferred some more than others and that changed on a daily basis!

same here. I would die for any of ours.. I love them all so much...but our daughter.. well I like her the best. I am pretty sure my husband does also even though she is not his bio child..but he did adopt her. When he heads up to canada without me.. he stays with her, not our sons. I would never admit in real life. ever.

I used to think that too until the second and then again until the third. My first is still perfect but so are the others in their own different ways. Each has their own issues and joys and I often like one more than the other (this can change on an hourly basis) but I always love them equally.

Probably picking up on your feelings and is acting up because he’s jealous. Poor kid.

Have you had counselling OP? It sounds like you need it. I had a Covid baby, and that winter lockdown was brutal as a first time mum. Coupled with possible birth trauma, and you could have all sorts of unresolved feelings which still rear their head now. I actually had more trouble bonding with my second, and while he is trickier than my first generally (but also easier in other ways), I think my feelings were much more to do with the birth trauma I had, and other turmoil in my life at the time. Also consider whether you have preferences due to their sex and inbuilt gender bias? Hard to admit to yourself, but worth asking the questions and delving deep to try to understand and resolve this - your kids (both of them) deserve it