To have a favourite child?

[neverputtingthelaundryaway]

Obviously it is totally, horribly unreasonable but I do. I don’t like myself for it; it I could stop and just honestly and sincerely love them both the same I would. And if I’d known my feelings would be so different I’d have severely questioned the wisdom of having another but … this is where I am. Can’t afford counselling.

Personally I have 2 and don’t have a favourite but they have both had times where they were more difficult or easier to parent

Completely agree with this. I’m an only child - and have always believed people must secretly have a favourite. Buy now I have two and I genuinely don’t - but totally agree with the poster above that there are times when ones easier or more difficult than the other. But that waxes and wanes with time. If your two are 5 and 2, you have plenty more phases to go through and I bet, with time, it will even out. I’d say don’t worry too much or beat yourself up about it. Just enjoy them both while they’re small - and wait and see what the next phase brings! My tricky baby was an angelic toddler and vice versa. The more challenging “tween” was the easier teen. They’re different people and they’ll be different to parent!

Oh don’t worry! It’s really easy to mess up a precious only child too. Some of the most messed up people I know are only children (I know, I know, correlation, not causation). It’s often a combo of putting them on a pedestal (my “perfect” little girl) and holding them to impossible standards. Good luck!

@neverputtingthelaundryaway, the age gap might make it seem like there is a difference in your love now, but that might balance in time. I could say I love both my children the same but it’s just words, and it’s meaningless. I can’t measure it, I can’t even define that love to begin to measure it. In reality both my children need different things from me (after the basics of care and nurturing are accounted for). I always tell my kids, when you have another child, you don’t cut the cake in two, you get another cake. Honestly OP, hang in there. Your relationship with your children changes and grows as they change and grow.

Edited as I got the ages mixed up.

One of the things that’s hardest about ds is that it’s really difficult to have these sorts of conversations. Before I had kids I imagined that we’d have these meaningful heart to hearts where he’d confide, haltingly and stumblingly, his deepest worries and fears and I’d sit quietly and lovingly encouraging him. As it is … the conversations are all over the place and ramble and make little sense!

First of all sending hugs as you won't want to feel this way.

I would say its normal 5 year old older sibling behaviour. DS1 (6) is much more hyper, attention seeking, gets jealous of his younger sibling. DS2 (3) is much more cuddly and affectionate which is standard toddler.

I would offer this advice - it's a challenging age of them challenging. We have had multiple conversations about behaviour, taking things too far etc. We have to remind constantly but we found addressing behaviour and explaining it helped massively. DS1 is incredibly loving, we have found telling him he's loved every day has reduced his attention seeking. We also remind him to calm it down.

I truly believe that in a couple of years you won’t be able to imagine that you felt like this.
You do have to try and meet your son where he is now, though. An activity like hiking might give you a way to talk more easily. I would give him a couple more years to get into the deep conversations though.

Mine are two completely different boys! I really struggled with my first as a baby and he's hard hard work, always been very emotional and unpredictable. But he's also so loving, caring, hilarious, clever and gorgeous. My youngest was a super easy baby and I thought I favoured him for a while.

Now he's older and he's having his terrible two's that's not the case anymore! I love them both so dearly and I wouldn't change anything about them. ❤

Sounds familiar! I lie down with mine at bedtime and chat for a while, ask something along the lines of whether anything during the day made him especially happy or especially sad and he will ramble on about Spiderman for ages and then suddenly say something really profound or revelatory out of nowhere 😅

Like more. Or love more?

A PP says it could be to do with the ages and I certainly found my eldest very hard at that age and probably had too high expectations of what he could do. He is still harder work than my other DC. Also I spend a lot of time with both of mine and actually realise they need a break from each other and one to one time and it is easier to see the best in them then. I think how you feel is one thing but how much do you think it comes across to your DC? My DP struggles a lot with eldest and sometimes I think it really does come across that he prefers the youngest and that definitely needs addressing if that is the case for you

Haha thanks. Yes the rambling, usually something about ‘well Leo had pizza and then we had games’ while I’m thinking ‘huh!?’ 😂

Believe me, the children know.

I knew my sibling was the favourite. And oddly my child is also the favourite of the family.

neither position (favourite and none favourite) is comfortable.

just please accept their differences.

You sound like you're really burned out. I'm a single mum to an honestly wonderful 4yo. I had a couple of really rough months with various health, work and other issues that left me with very little energy to be patient with my DD. I found her annoying and was frequently just exasperated with her behaviour (just normal 4yo stuff too, like faffing in the bathroom and not listening to an instruction the first time). Now the bad period has blown over, I have the energy to be patient and we're back on track and I'm back to being blown away with love for her. I feel awful I was like that and I did a lot of repairing with her to tell her why I was grumpy, but yeah the mum guilt about the situation has been really bad and I did feel really detached from her, and life, for a little while.

Potentially, when theyre together he knows he has less attention. (Because 2 year olds need a closer eye than 5 year olds) and negative attention is still attention.

Maybe you need to think about spending some time with them together where hes the focus - an activity he enjoys where you praise him and tell him how proud little sister is etc etc... if he was getting encouragement when youre all together it might improve

That’s interesting @WitchyWitcherson Over the summer (I am a teacher which is relevant) I had so much more patience and was really enjoying being with ds.

@Laura95167 i do try, it’s just hard to actually manage it regularly because ds is at school in the week.

Can I just commend you for your honesty. I don't even think it really sounds like you have a fave per se. You're just finding the eldest difficult at the moment. I think once both are older things will quite likely shift again. You'll appreciate new emerging things about the eldest and the youngest may start winding you up! It is clear your heart is in the right place. All of us, children included, are just messy complex beings with endearing sides and more irritating sides and things constantly shift. You might have said but do build in dedicated 1:1 time with oldest, I find it helps, but take the expectation of deep meaningful convos away from it. Engineer it so it's somewhere where you don't constantly have to tell him to stop, and listen to his rambles whatever they may be. You got this!!

Are you sure you don’t just prefer the age of the other child? I mean I don’t have a favourite but I definitely prefer my 3 year old to my nearly 8 year old but just the age. I find under 5 they are so cute and innocent and then my eldest has all the emotions and attitude doesn’t mean I favour either more

Threads like this make me thankful that I only have one. We planned to have another, but nature had other ideas.

DD is pretty much everything that I could ever have wanted in a child, and we remain incredibly close even now she is an adult. We are just completely on the same wavelength, we get each other 100% and we share a lot of the same interests etc. I really can't imagine that I would have been lucky enough to have that level of alignment with a second child as well.

So I don't think you can help how you feel, OP. There is definitely no point in beating yourself up about it. All you can do is try your utmost not to let your feelings ever show, and not to over-compensate either.

My Mum says she’s always loved us the same but who she likes better has varied at different points in our lives 😆. As long as you aren’t treating them differently I wouldn’t worry.

I absolutely love this haha 😂

I also think the age is the issue here. My children are now late teens and we have the same age gap, older boy and younger girl. Without a shadow of a doubt, my DS was the hardest. He was incredibly challenging and pushed me to the edge more times than I dare to remember. I still find now I probably have to spend more time 'mothering' him. So sadly I do think my dd thinks I have a preference for him but it's 100% untrue. I love them both completely equally. My dd is like a best friend as well as a daughter and we have a brilliant relationship - but she's always been independent, sure minded and reliable. Probably in that very female way, I always knew she was ok. Whereas my son has been a constant worry. But as an adult relationship we get on fantastically - they are both hilarious, hugely resilient and have a brilliant relationship between the two of them. Don't confuse more challenging with loving less. It's just exactly that, more challenging. I've had many times where I haven't liked him as much as my dd, but that's due to his behaviour. I always loved him the same. Relationships are complicated! And now, I like him just as much too. Be kind to yourself on this x

Maybe you need to carve so time alone for you and DS? Get DH to do something with DD for a couple of hours so you and DS can talk about pizza and Leo.

Kids are hard and tiring, its OK to have bad days with it. But if you're at the stage of liking him less and being annoyed by him I think you need to get some self care for you and positive time together if you can

I’m with you here. I also have 3 dc who are very different. I love them all. One is harder to parent than the other 2, very emotional and doesn’t listen so she’s frustrating. I still love her. In fact, I find all three need different parenting styles - like managing people at work, you adapt to bring out the best in people. I do tease that my favourite is the one who made me a coffee in bed Saturday morning but that can change throughout the day so there’s no ridged favourite (mine are teens).

My three are much older - 23, 18, 16 so not kids anymore! But I'm certain that over the years I would have quietly considered each of them was the favourite at one time or another

My DSis was the favoured child. It has had a profound effect on me. As a child I knew I was considered less and I still feel the same. I can’t begin to imagine how any parent can do that to a child and yes I am a parent.

I was a very easy and well behaved child, my mother admits this even now. The damage she did still hurts.

My childhood was miserable. I didn’t invite friends over as I knew she would be dismissive of me (as she was at family events).

I have developed a manageable relationship with her, but I haven’t and won’t forgive her.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on love. Maybe if parents saw their role as bringing out the best in each child, their duty would be much plainer.