To have a favourite child?

[neverputtingthelaundryaway]

Obviously it is totally, horribly unreasonable but I do. I don’t like myself for it; it I could stop and just honestly and sincerely love them both the same I would. And if I’d known my feelings would be so different I’d have severely questioned the wisdom of having another but … this is where I am. Can’t afford counselling.

How old are your kids? I love both my children equally. When they were little DC2 was incredibly hard work and I much preferred spending time with DC1. Now they're older (teens), love spending time with both equally.

Yes, but I believe it’s supposed to be one of my own…..

I can't understand the idea that you can't love your children equally. Love isn't finite , it grows with each child.

I think it’s a common dynamic in a family of four for a parent to naturally get on better with the child who is more like their partner and clash more with the one who is more like themselves.

I only have one so can’t comment from the point of view of being a parent, but thinking back I have no idea which of me and my sister was my mum’s favourite (sticking with mums for the mo, though I don’t know about my dad, either!). She was a woman who rarely expressed her opinion. When we were younger I think I thought maybe my sister but as we grew up I really don’t know!

Can you break down what the differences are that are making you feel this way?

How old are they??
I love both of mine equally I believe. They both bring different things to our relationship. Have had easier and harder stages.
One of them was much harder
work as a younger child which made it tricky and I have to say my mum had a very definite favourite when they were young. They change as they grow and it’s different now.
Fake it til you make it is really the only way. Be very aware of your bias and work hard not to let it show.

God. My ‘favourite’ is just whichever one is infinitesimally less annoying at that particular moment in time. So I can hand on heart say that I generally do not have a favourite. Because they are both a pain in the arse.

Delightful. Wouldn’t be without them. But pains in the arse.

Sometimes you have to put the work in when one is more difficult. Spend time with them doing fun things, remind yourself of the things you love about them, purposefully notice the nice things. One of mine is more difficult than the other and we clash more, so there have definitely been times where it's harder with them. I also had a harder time when that DC was born, and found it harder to bond initially.

Work on it instead of beating yourself up,OP. You can improve things.

100% yes they are. It takes time and effort but anyone is capable of changing the way they feel. There's also tools out there to help people such as CBT ect ( I'm aware OP said she can't afford counselling )

You have a favourite - ok….

but do you favour him/her? That is the critical distinction.

You have to work at being impartial and even-handed. Not for a second showing that favour. Your unfavoured child will sniff it out in a second otherwise

Hmm what when the father becomes an ex? Might not like seeing all their mannerisms in the child

Exactly. Parents want to go on as if children don’t favour others over them too haha

But there's nothing wrong with her feelings unless she treats them differently.

If you have a cousin for example you don't like much how do you change that?

My DM has talked about that before: my DB is a lot like my DF and I think she had to work on seeing the lovely things of him a bit when they split up. You can make a conscious choice to accept and work on those kinds of feelings.

I have three children and I love them equally (albeit for different reasons; they all have very different personalities and I love different things about each of them).

Anyhow. Back to the thread...

OP, I think it takes courage and great self awareness to admit having a favourite. I think you need to own this and ensure that you mitigate any potential consequences... be really mindful about your actions, behaviours and decision making going forward.

Nope. When the parents are very much together… hence why the comment quoted said “family of four.”

It's hard to say without knowing their ages OP. I think going from one to two can be really hard and I think certain ages can be tricky.

For example a lot of people feel like they like one child more than the other when what's really happening is that they have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and trying to manage a 2 year old alongside a sibling is so much harder than managing an only child 2 year old.

I'd be more concerned if this is a persistent feeling that stays constant through different ages and stages.

🤷‍♀️ I personally believe it is wrong to love one child more than the other. It shows somthing has gone wrong somewhere. And even if she doesn't treat them differently, the less loved child will be able to sense their not as loved as the other

I don't think disliking a cousin is remotely comparable to saying you love one child more than the other?

personally I can’t conceptualise how it’s possible to love one child more than the other (mother of more than one) so it is absolutely possible. Why would I bother making that up? I think your reasoning is something people use to rationalise not wanting another child - which is a totally valid choice but wasn’t what we wanted for ourselves or our children. it’s odd to think that others will have exactly the same feelings as you and that no one can feel differently. Surely you appreciate the love you have for your child is vastly different to other family members?!

This is often true as well. I know DS prefers DH and is closer to him than he is to me. I don't begrudge that, they have more in common and DH is genuinely a nicer person than I am, calmer and more even tempered, more predictable. I'd prefer DH to me as well if I was DS.

We really can't help our feelings . They just are, we can do our absolute best not to act on them or let them show too much though. It is a sad fact that many parents feel love for one or more of their children more than the others. I'm not sure therapy will help change that, though it can help to make you aware of it and to do your best not to let it show

Children usually know if a sibling is a favourite of a parent but if the parent does love each of them ( albeit one more so) and is fair and outwardly treats the children the same, a lot of children are often quite forgiving of this in the long term.

It is when the parent openly shows the favouritism and treats one child completely differently and is obvious in their favouritism that children find this hard to forgive .

Sorry but the truth is it’s already started and this is how it’ll go on. You and your children know and it will affect their relationship too. Many people here will attest to that. And it is what it is, unfortunately. I do not think it will change.

@neverputtingthelaundryaway it’s not uncommon to have a favourite, I think a lot of people do they just aren't honest about it. The whole thing of treat equally and love equally is harder/easier for some than others and is dependent on all sorts of internal and external factors.

My mom says she loves us all but likes us differently. I am one of many.

This is true …

So my DS is 5, DD is 2 and I just find I have so much more patience and am a much nicer parent to my DD. I don’t like that fact.

I want to be clear here that I agree. If I could just choose to feel differently I would. Of course, I do love my DS in a way but it’s tinged with irritation and resentment, and that’s horrible. I really try to quash it but as anyone who has tried to repress feelings knows they have their way of coming out.