Page 3 | To have a favourite child?

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 2025-11-16T18:32:17+00:00

Obviously it is totally, horribly unreasonable but I do. I don’t like myself for it; it I could stop and just honestly and sincerely love them both the same I would. And if I’d known my feelings would be so different I’d have severely questioned the wisdom of having another but … this is where I am. Can’t afford counselling.

BeforeTheRingBlinds · 16/11/2025 20:02

I’ve always thought I want to have two kids. And that having an only child wasn’t good for the child socially (I’ve only met one only child who had great social skills and that’s because her mum was a childminder). But being reminded of parents having a favourite really does make me reconsider.

TiggersTheOnlyOne · 16/11/2025 20:02

It will change over time. I have phases where I fear I love one more than the other but I don’t. It’s just one is easier or I have more in common with one over the other. Mine are 21 and 23 and at various times I’ve favoured each (sometimes for hours, days or months).

Dunnow · 16/11/2025 20:03

I think it’s fairly common, as they get older and go through different stages things might change. Personally I have 2 and don’t have a favourite but they have both had times where they were more difficult or easier to parent. It’s probably a case of needing to make extra effort with your DS at the moment.

Wingingit73 · 16/11/2025 20:03

My 2 boys are different. One drives me crazy. However i love the bones of each of the equally and would give them the earth. I think if you do feel you love one more you should never say it. Dont ever confine in anyone.

GoGoGooo · 16/11/2025 20:04

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 19:54

This is true …

So my DS is 5, DD is 2 and I just find I have so much more patience and am a much nicer parent to my DD. I don’t like that fact.

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Toddlers are cute and squishy and given lots of leeway for being assholes. 5 year olds aren’t cute any more and have a lot more expected of them behaviour wise, especially if they are the eldest. Some 5 year olds are mature and compliant and some are still completely feral and defiant. If you have one who is more of the latter category alongside a toddler you are probably feeling totally burnout and it’s coming out as exasperation towards your eldest. I may be totally off the mark here but I think this is probably really common with a toddler and a child 2-3 years older

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2025 20:06

JLou08 · 16/11/2025 18:42

Do you actually love one more than the other or is it just that one is less challenging?

Weirdly I sometimes feel like in favour the one who is more challenging. Because they need me more.

It’s not logical and I have an amazing time when it’s just me and easy DC.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 16/11/2025 20:06

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 18:50

Thanks. I do like spending time with him one on one, which is why I do sort of feel like I should have stopped at one but I didn’t know how challenging it would be and how differently I’d feel. My head is in a very confused place right now. I wish people would believe that it if I could stop, I would. I want to love my child to pieces like everyone does.

A friend was in a very similar mindset to you, but what made her realise that she does actually love her child to pieces was when he ended up in hospital and it was a very touch and go moment for him.

She says that she felt immense guilt for not realising that she was just having a hard time adjusting, and all the one on one time in the world made no difference because the changes in life happened when she had her second born, so naturally it just felt like she just didn't really have the same bond with her second, but when the crunch came she felt as fierce of a love as ever before.

DrMickhead · 16/11/2025 20:06

aWUBBAWUBBA · 16/11/2025 19:32

God. My ‘favourite’ is just whichever one is infinitesimally less annoying at that particular moment in time. So I can hand on heart say that I generally do not have a favourite. Because they are both a pain in the arse.

Delightful. Wouldn’t be without them. But pains in the arse.

Same! My favourite changes every 15 minutes truth be told. Usually the one who seems to prefer me to their dad.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 16/11/2025 20:07

Hand on heart, I love both my DC the same. I genuinely can't imagine loving one of them more than the other.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/11/2025 20:09

silkyfilament · 16/11/2025 19:23

I have five children and can honestly say I love them all equally. Yes, one or two are funnier, yes one or two are kinder, or more academic or sporting.
They are all individual people and for me anyway, the love is not divided, it’s multiplied.

I have two. And I feel the same. They are different people, different ages. But my heart just increased to have love for my second when he arrived.

XWKD · 16/11/2025 20:10

You can't help how you feel. It's not your fault, once you treat them the same. It will probably change anyway.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 16/11/2025 20:11

You not only like them differently, you love one less?!

SconehengeRevenge · 16/11/2025 20:13

This is sooooo potentially damaging to your poor children.
Both of them.

OP, you have to work on this. For the sake of your children.
And your future relationship with both

DaisyChain505 · 16/11/2025 20:16

You need to re frame your mindset from having a favourite to just the fact that you appreciate their different qualities and personalities in different ways.

Just because you birthed these people it doesn’t make them any different to other human beings. We all like different people for different reasons.

Even with friends, you can love them all but prefer doing a certain activity with one of them or talking about a certain subject with another.

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2025 20:16

Why are you irritated and resentful of a 5 year old?

What triggers these feelings?

Did you have pnd with dc1?
Did you not want a boy?

BeMellowAquaSquid · 16/11/2025 20:16

I love all 3 of my dds but I definitely love some qualities about each of them more if that makes sense.

Franpie · 16/11/2025 20:21

I think you’re giving yourself too much of a hard time OP.

Kids change all the time. And there will always be one that pushes your buttons more than the other.

I love both of my children equally. But my DD really pushes my buttons. I fly off the handle with her all the time (she’s a teen, not a toddler btw!). My DS rarely gets me even slightly cross. My DS just gets me and I just get him. We slot very easily together. He is my “person”.

But that said, I love just hanging out with my DD. I genuinely love her company. I could think of no one I’d rather spend an afternoon with. (Even though she drives me up the wall often!).

What I’m trying to say is, you will have different relationships with your different children. And that is ok. It doesn’t mean you love one more than the other.

Franpie · 16/11/2025 20:25

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/11/2025 19:29

I think it’s a common dynamic in a family of four for a parent to naturally get on better with the child who is more like their partner and clash more with the one who is more like themselves.

So true!

arcticpandas · 16/11/2025 20:26

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 19:54

This is true …

So my DS is 5, DD is 2 and I just find I have so much more patience and am a much nicer parent to my DD. I don’t like that fact.

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I think you just have to stop comparing them. They are two different people and you will see that feelings can change and evolve over time. Don't feel guilty about it as long as you're being fair to them.
My DS1 is 15 and a pain in the ass. I love him dearly even though he exhausts me (he's autistic). His brother (12) is so easy in comparaison but I can truly say I love them both the same even though I much prefer spending time with DS2 because he's sweet and intelligent and most importantly doesn't drive me insane non-stop 😅

Original poster

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 20:34

GoGoGooo · 16/11/2025 20:04

Toddlers are cute and squishy and given lots of leeway for being assholes. 5 year olds aren’t cute any more and have a lot more expected of them behaviour wise, especially if they are the eldest. Some 5 year olds are mature and compliant and some are still completely feral and defiant. If you have one who is more of the latter category alongside a toddler you are probably feeling totally burnout and it’s coming out as exasperation towards your eldest. I may be totally off the mark here but I think this is probably really common with a toddler and a child 2-3 years older

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That is such a lovely post. Thank you

Yes, he can be very defiant and argumentative and ‘difficult’ (he can be lovely too …) he’s also very … mad! Gets the zoomies and charges around, is silly, does stupid random pointless things that in themselves aren’t a massive deal but are exasperating. I feel like I keep needing to say no, don’t do that, leave that alone, put that down, don’t grab her, no, no get down ALL the time!

OP posts:

Original poster

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 20:36

Hankunamatata · 16/11/2025 20:16

Why are you irritated and resentful of a 5 year old?

What triggers these feelings?

Did you have pnd with dc1?
Did you not want a boy?

Especially when combined with DD he can be annoying. When he’s with her he’s very silly and hyper (much calmer alone) and does things like climb up on things, makes a massive mess and then won’t clear it up (or makes even more of a mess.) It makes me all cross and stressed.

OP posts:

Monmkeymamkymonky · 16/11/2025 20:39

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 19:59

I want to be clear here that I agree. If I could just choose to feel differently I would. Of course, I do love my DS in a way but it’s tinged with irritation and resentment, and that’s horrible. I really try to quash it but as anyone who has tried to repress feelings knows they have their way of coming out.

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I'm not saying your a bad person OP, but the situation isn't okay. You can feel differently, your just going to have to work at it. It will take time.

The fact it bothers you shows you clearly care and love for your child,

I know you said you like spending one to one time, can you find a hobby for you both to enjoy together?

My mum very obviously loved my sister more than me and it has always hurt. Really hurt. It makes me question what's wrong with me even to this day and I'm early 30's with my own children. Even though logically I know the issue is hers and not mine.

Franpie · 16/11/2025 20:46

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 20:36

Especially when combined with DD he can be annoying. When he’s with her he’s very silly and hyper (much calmer alone) and does things like climb up on things, makes a massive mess and then won’t clear it up (or makes even more of a mess.) It makes me all cross and stressed.

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He’s just competing with his sister for your attention. Kids don’t care whether it’s bad attention or good attention, he just wants your eyes on him.

This is completely normal for kids of this age with a younger sibling.

Try not to worry, as with everything to do with kids, it’ll pass x

arcticpandas · 16/11/2025 20:46

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 20:36

Especially when combined with DD he can be annoying. When he’s with her he’s very silly and hyper (much calmer alone) and does things like climb up on things, makes a massive mess and then won’t clear it up (or makes even more of a mess.) It makes me all cross and stressed.

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To be honest most 5 year old boys are hard work. Wait until they are teens- girls are much worse so you might find yourself writing on mn how you feel guilty for not being able to stand your teenage horror of a daughter 😉. I am generalizing- sure there are exceptions.
You sound lovely OP and I think you are overthinking this. I'm sure you're a great mum to both of them and honestly I preferred both of my children when they were 2 rather than 5 so it's completely normal.🌻

SillyQuail · 16/11/2025 20:48

neverputtingthelaundryaway · 16/11/2025 20:36

Especially when combined with DD he can be annoying. When he’s with her he’s very silly and hyper (much calmer alone) and does things like climb up on things, makes a massive mess and then won’t clear it up (or makes even more of a mess.) It makes me all cross and stressed.

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This sounds a lot like the way my eldest DC behaves when my DH is around and I think it's because he's competing with his younger brother for attention. He doesn't do it as much with me because I think I put more effort into dividing my attention fairly and in fact showing the older one more affection because I think he needs more reassurance that he's loved. Have you asked your DS how he feels about his sister? I have with mine and it was really moving to hear how he's battling with the complexity of loving his sibling but also sometimes wishing he was still the only one. Maybe it would help you feel closer to your DS if you invited him to talk about how he feels?