Husband being tight with money

[Babymomma47]

Weve had a really tough couple of years. My husband lost his job and I’ve thrown myself into my career to get a promotion. We’ve really been penny counting it’s been so stressful and I’ve cut down on food shop going out holidays clothes etc. I earn quite well and even with my promotion I kept in tight. At one point we thought we might lose the house and never been through this before so it’s been so hard. I think I’ve started to resent this and blame him for it. Anyway he has a new job thankfully and things are on the up although we do have debt but still I can breathe a sigh of relief and so have been buying things for the houses nothing experience and some cheap bits from SHEIN as felt like I’d earned it. Anyway the other day he was finalising our online shop and he said wow do you really need sparkling water! We have water in the tap. That is a bit extravagant. He would never say that about a bottle of wine or biscuits or chocolate. I can’t face talking to him and think how ungrateful he is of all the sacrifice I’ve made for him. The whole sparkling water makes me think can I even stay married to him. It cost 5 quid I spend more than that on lunch. Please help. He’s realised am not talking to him but can’t work out why. Am I being unreasonable.

I agree with most people who’ve already said you should talk to him, the silent treatment isn’t acceptable. And if you have debts you shouldn’t be wasting money. Considering divorce because he made a valid point about you splurging is pretty extreme.

Sorry, should have clarified that is for dinner.

buying sparkling water itself isn't extravagant. Buying sparkling water for £5 when you can get it for about 50p per 2l bottle is.

Spending £5 on lunch isn't extravagant, but spending a fiver every weekday for a sandwich for one person (which is what I'm assuming you mean, rather than knocking up a lasagne for the whole family on a saturday), isn't exactly financially prudent if you're still in debt.

If these examples are what your 'standard' mode is (i.e. completely spaffing away money like water) then it's not just his fault you got into debt - if you as a family were a bit more practical when you were both earning well then you would have had more savings to fall back on and it wouldn't have been such a shock to the system to go from spending to economising. Most people would have learned something from having to economise, such as what things are worth paying for and what aren't, whereas it sounds as though you just sighed in relief that you can now go back to spending needlessly.

YABU to order from Shein, regardless of income.
YABU to spend 5 pounds on sparkling water while in debt.
YABU to spend over 5 pounds a day on lunch while in debt.
YABU in not discussing things like an adult.
What 'sacrifices' have you made?

Silent treatment is toxic behaviour. Work on yourself and make improvement, you can achieve more using non toxic methods

I understand where he's coming from. You were stressed but he's stressed out too by the debt and "waste." You are allowed to treat yourself, but why wouldn't your lunch cost more than water?

Never excuse silent treatment. Ever. Its emotional abuse. Its not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

Silent treatment - abusive. As someone who experienced it in my previous relationship, I can’t express enough how abusive I find it.

If you’ve got credit card debt, take your own lunch to work. Wouldn’t you feel better having savings instead of debt? Sounds like your DH means well.

YABU to give your husband the silent treatment. That’s really immature behaviour. £5 for sparkling water is also expensive! Talk to him, adult to adult.

if id lost my job nearly lost my house and was paying of debts then i wouldnt be happy if my significant other dropped £5 on sparkling water either

For comparison, I try to feed my family of four for under £5 during the week.

Good God woman, you need to start your own thread. I am agog with wonder (genuinely).

We have plenty of money and I wouldn’t pay £5 for sparkling water ffs.

I’m going to assume this poster means that she tries to keep a family dinner at around £5 per day - which is a tight budget, but feasible if you eat mainly vegetarian and use a lot of dried pulses / lentils / pasta / rice / root vegetables - rather than that she feeds four people for a week with just £5!

He’s being ridiculous for questioning a few quid on sparkling water. But you are being more ridiculous for not speaking to him. Just talk to him, instead of moaning about him to strangers. If you explain to him what you said here (it’s not much, you’ve cut corners for a long time due to his lack of employment, lunch costs more, etc) then he will likely understand. But you’re not going to get anywhere if you ignore him. That’s childish.

She didn’t say it was one bottle. Could have been the total for several bottles. Or a pack of several small bottles. I spend a lot more than that on sparkling water but I buy more than one bottle.

On the face of it I agree that both fizzy or spring water and alcohol are non essentials, so if one is ‘his’ he’s U to ask you to ditch yours.

If you resent him for losing his job or not earning, for however long it was, it’d be better to reflect on whether your feelings/thoughts about that are fair, and if they are how to bring that up with him. For example, if he did the minimum at work, got selected for redundancy due to that, and didn’t do a lot to seek to bring in some money, YANBU to be pissed off. If there was a massive cull, then he consistently applied hard for lots of varied things including lower paid work, YABU.

I mean I agree with him. I also wouldn’t be spending money on lunch if I was in debt. Actually I’m not in debt & I don’t buy lunch.

Wow so overwhelmed by all the messages. I wrote the original post in a rush so a couple of clarifications. It was a multi pack of sparkling water which would last several weeks and I haven’t bought any for 2 years but trying to cut down on alcohol so thought it would be a good alternative. He is still buying wine and beer as normal but perhaps he saw this as a selfish purchase as just for me. . Plus occasionally when at work I will get a Sainsbury’s meal deal which was my point but so will he. Anyway message received loud and clear. I need to communicate with him. I do agree. I think perhaps yes it’s a build up of resentment but 2 years is a long time and I’ve been super supportive financially and emotionally keeping the family going in some dark times and I think it’s taken its toll on all of us. It was only water but clearly represented much more. Thanks for all the helpful feedback which I will take on board. When I posted I assumed I would get a majority reasonable vote so good reality check for me. This was my first AIBU post but would use again as we can all sometimes just see things from one perspective. That being said some posts are very mean. Interesting to see how vicious people can be!

Your resentment of him is leaking out about the sparkling water. It isn’t really only about this sparkling water. It’s about what went on before so you need to speak to him. Try to clear the air.

Silent treatment is toxic and manipulative and incredibly damaging to relationships. Stop it immediately and communicate with your DH