Drunk confessions - my friends don’t like DH

[2oonie]

This week I was away on holiday for 5 days with some of my closest friends. We all met through our partners who are best mates but in the few years I’ve known them they have become some of the people I trust the most.

Whilst drunk everyone somehow spiralled into a conversation about our partners worst traits, none of them escaped without insult but some got it worse than others, mainly my DH. It seems there was unanimous agreement that he is cocky, tries to hard to be funny, is a bit mean to his mates etc.
I agree that he can come across a bit cocky at times and he does get anxious about not being as funny as his mates but I don’t feel like he’s actually that mean to them, or no more mean than they are to him. It’s made me feel a bit weird as while everyone took a bit of a bashing for the others it was more like “haha isn’t it funny how if he’s drunk he just totally disassociates like he’s disconnected from the server” or “sometimes his jokes are really dark” less actual character assassination.
In the moment I didn’t say anything and like I said we were all drunk but now I am home it’s made me feel a little strange, how do we all meet up as a group in the future when I know so many of them just don’t like him?
AIBU to feel a bit confused and weirded out by this? What would you do going forward?

That’s very sad. They sound really nasty. Who needs enemies with friends like that to tear people down?

I wouldn’t have wanted to engage in a conversation like that to begin with. Slagging off each others partners was bound to offend someone

They sound nasty and childish.

I'd feerl weird as well.

One time a friend told me that whenever she hasn't heard from me for longer than usual she worried my DH had murdered me and buried me under the floorboards!
I felt very defensive of my DH, like she completely misunderstood his introvert vibe.

Not everyone is going to like everyone's partners but it seems sad and immature to tell you.

Did they actually say they don't like him? Or was it one of those things where one person starts it and it just snowballs because everyone is drunk? So they just pick it up and take it to extremes because it seems funny. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Depends if it's feels like something is broken that can't be fixed. You could just draw a line under it, because they were drunk and you don't want to find out what they think when they are sober. Or you could have a heart to heart with one friend you can trust to talk about it honestly but won't blab about it afterwards.

I can’t imagine ending up having that kind of conversation.

I’d find new friends whose idea of entertainment wasn’t to criticise people, especially someone I loved.

They didn’t specifically say “I don’t like him” but they did call him cocky, tries to hard to be funny, a bit mean etc, which I’d say are traits most wouldn’t like.

You say "none of them escaped without insult" so isn't it possible everyone's feeling like you now you've all sobered up? I would say What happens in Fight Club Stays in Fight Club and you all make an unspoken pact to never speak of it again.

To be fair though, there are many character traits that are much, much worse. Imagine if they said "Oh isn't @2oonie's DH really selfish/self centred/mysoginistic/thoughtless/bad-mannered/rude/obnoxious..." That would be horrific and you wouldn't be able to get past that.

Having said that, this is the sort of "game" that never goes well. You can be sure each of your mates is thinking about the things others said about their partner, it won't just be you. Nobody likes hearing their other half's character being slated. I wouldn't take part in such a discussion because I wouldn't want my friends remembering me bitching about their partner. It's never going to end well. Whatever you do, don't mention it again.

Hmmm. I think perhaps you’re projecting a bit here. It doesn’t sound like they said anything worse about your DH than anyone else. And it’s perfectly possible to be able to pick out someone’s faults without disliking them.

If someone said that to me, I'd think maybe my DH had upset their husbands. A joke your DH thought was funny and a bit of banter had upset THEIR DHs (hence the "could be a bit mean").

You may find his banter funny (you married him) but maybe his mates don't find it as funny as they once did. Or have got tired with the same jokes at their expense.

I wouldn't say anything but next time you are all together, I'd probably try and read the room and see if that was the case. And if so, maybe have a word about "I thought that joke you said to Dave didn't go down very well - maybe he's a bit upset by it"

I sympathise, hearing that about your DH won't have been nice. It's quite an odd conversation to be having. You do admit he's a bit cocky so perhaps it's spiralled from there. What's he cocky about?

I wouldn't bring it up with anyone. Facts can get skewed when drunk and feelings will have been heightened by the conversation. I'd try to pretend the conversation never happened.

Everyone needs to grow up by the sounds of it

This is what you get when you engage in this kind of conversation, OP. I literally can’t imagine going on holiday, getting drunk and slagging off one another’s’ partners. Are you all very young?

This.

For those saying 'get new mates' the OP was part of this game (?) / activity / conversation as well. I'm not sure she has any legs to stand on in judging them.

However @2oonie in your op, you literally agree with much of what the friends said "I agree that he can come across a bit cocky at times and he does get anxious about not being as funny as his mates" so it is a bit difficult to understand why you are so offended given
a) you participated in this slagging off of each others' partners
and
b) you actually agree with their assessment of him

Whilst drunk everyone somehow spiralled into a conversation about our partners worst traits

What could possibly go wrong!

OP I think you and your friends need to take a bit of responsibility for being the kinds of people who happily embark on nasty, bitchy conversations. I've been very drunk with friends many, many times and this just isn't a topic we've come close to. It wouldn't occur to me. If I happened to find myself among people who did this I would either steer the conversation back to more pleasant ground, or absent myself (and rethink my friendship with them).

FAFO, tbh.

You say you agree with them, though? Maybe he should stop being cocky. This is FAFO territory.

If you play with fire then you’re going to get burned.
Stating each of the partner’s faults was never going to end well!

You’re the one who is married to your husband, it’s important that you like him.

You can’t force everyone else in your life to like him or have the same opinion on him just like I’m sure you having people in your life that you wouldn’t necessarily pick to be friends or family with yet someone in your life has chosen them as their partner.

Cocky blokes are a massive turn off to me so I probably would dislike him too tbh but the convo shouldn’t have happened in the first place as some were bound to get offended.

Same. I'm sorry OP but if you play stupid games you'll win stupid prizes.

When engaging in conversations like this it's inevitable someone is going to end up pissed off and this time, it's you. I bet if the insults had been directed at someone else's partner in the group you wouldnt be fretting about their feelings right now. Stop doing stupid shit like this if you dont want to feel bad.

Men often are a bit 'mean' to their mates in a way women aren't. I have often thought DH's mates have been a bit mean to him, but I don't dislike them.

I imagine that has made you feel a bit protective of your DH and a bit stuck in the middle. I don't quite know how you proceed on this.

Did they say they didn’t like him? Actually use those words? Being a bit cocky and tries hard to be funny aren’t the worse characteristics ever, in fact r they’re quite endearing. And I wouldn’t give a stuff how mean my friend’s H was to his mates as he wasn’t mean to her. Sounds like you’ve taken it a bit personally but that was always bound to happen in those kinds of conversations.

It’s like with your DCs. I’m first to grumble about mind but woe betide anyone else who does.

A conversation where you all bitch about each others’ partners was never going to end well, and I imagine you’re not the only one feeling like this.

Take it as a lesson learned - don’t dish it out unless you can take it, and don’t start a conversation where you criticise other people’s partners as it never ends well.

I wouldn’t like this at all. My DH is my best friend. Over hell or high water would I sit and let my friends tear a strip off him. They’ve clearly discussed this as a group previously to decide collectively he’s not funny nor kind to his ‘friends’ behind your backs.

I wonder what they said about you?

Not sure these are friends- it sounds pretty toxic to me.

The first two lines of your post say everything @2oonie.

I was away for five days with my closest friends and we all met through our partners.

Five days away with partners' wives/girlfriends is too long.

What do have in common except your other halves?

Why are they your closest friends. They aren't they are married/with a group of male mates and probably point scoring.

What happened to your own friends, people who remember you being 8 or 14 or 18 or 21?

It sounds like an absolute bitch fest and I'd withdraw from this group.