Drunk confessions - my friends don’t like DH

[2oonie]

This week I was away on holiday for 5 days with some of my closest friends. We all met through our partners who are best mates but in the few years I’ve known them they have become some of the people I trust the most.

Whilst drunk everyone somehow spiralled into a conversation about our partners worst traits, none of them escaped without insult but some got it worse than others, mainly my DH. It seems there was unanimous agreement that he is cocky, tries to hard to be funny, is a bit mean to his mates etc.
I agree that he can come across a bit cocky at times and he does get anxious about not being as funny as his mates but I don’t feel like he’s actually that mean to them, or no more mean than they are to him. It’s made me feel a bit weird as while everyone took a bit of a bashing for the others it was more like “haha isn’t it funny how if he’s drunk he just totally disassociates like he’s disconnected from the server” or “sometimes his jokes are really dark” less actual character assassination.
In the moment I didn’t say anything and like I said we were all drunk but now I am home it’s made me feel a little strange, how do we all meet up as a group in the future when I know so many of them just don’t like him?
AIBU to feel a bit confused and weirded out by this? What would you do going forward?

oh FFS @2oonie

They didn't say they didn't like him. They've just said that when he gets drunk he can be a bit of a twat.

They're stating a fact because they're drunk and that's the topic of conversation you have chosen to partake in and they're being honest.

No one is perfect and everyone has some sort of character trait that others won't like so much.

You can't join in these types of conversation then get all offended when it swings round to you. And there we are - we have highlighted your own bad trait, that you're happy to pick fault with others but take offence when it's on your own turf!

I wouldn't do anything going forward. Or I would choose not to partake in future conversations that involve picking fault with others if you don't like it yourself.

Oh I completely agree!

But the point is- dont engage in behaviours towards others if you wouldnt want them directed at you. If you engage in gossip about others for example, then you should fully expect that you will also be a target of it the moment you leave the room.

People need to start taking responsibility for the environment they are contributing to before they have the right to play victim to it.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Op loves her DH and that’s great. Now she knows how he comes across to others.

Bit like mums that think their kids are fantastic when actually they are the school bully.

Yep, you're bang on!

Do you not think each one of those women thought their partner "got it worse than others"? It's a totally subjective judgement and we only have OP's account to go by. They're all as bad as each other and were all, no doubt, feeling just like OP once they'd sobered up. They all just need to forget about it and put it behind them as drunken foolishness - and if they can't, then the friendship isn't as strong as OP claims it to be.

well yeah, exactly. So is it possible that your DH is just more unlikeable generally? Or at least his negative traits are ones that most people would dislike?

Obviously that doesn't mean he's a terrible person, nor that he doesn't have positive traits too, nor that you shouldn't love him. But honestly I'd struggle to warm to anyone cocky, no matter what other good traits they might have.

If I was choosing to spend time/be friends with either person A or person B, and the worst thing someone could say about person A is that they zone out a bit when they're drunk, whereas the worst thing about Person B is that they're arrogant and mean, I know who I'd rather spend time with! Long story short - don't play stupid games if you don't want to win stupid prizes (in this case, the stupid prize being that the truth hurts!)

Of course the other interpretation is that you are remembering the worst things they said about your DH, and glossing over the things that were said about the others, precisely because he is your DH so those are the things that stood out/that you remember post drinking. One of the other wives could be sitting at home thinking 'Wow, I only said that OP's DH tries a bit too hard to be funny, and she (or a different friend) accused my DH of making absolutely horrible jokes about rape/dead kids (or whatever 'dark humour' entails) and being unsensitive when people don't find them funny.'

Lordy this was never going to end well. Imagine if the men had done this. You'd be so upset.

It sounds like a very strange dynamic to me. I would be very defensive if my dh, if someone criticised him to my face and I think most people would.

So how does it come about that people over ride that instinct? Is there a queen bee or a couple of very strong characters in the group that everyone is afraid to cross?

Tell us more about the group dynamics?

Do people actually still do this outside of high school? Get together and slag off their significant others?

My husband is my best pal, I can't even think of anything I'd want to throw in the ring for something like this and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable sitting around bitching about everyone else's SO's. It rings of the "old ball and chain, I hate my wife/husband, isn't it funny" humour that I thought we'd relegated to the past and stupid post cards. It's just nasty.

This.

Not a single instance where I would engage in tearing down someones partner, because why would I?

I can not like someone, thats allowed, I can retreat and not be involved with them but i'm not entering a conversation where I rip them to shreds (and encourage them to rip my husband to shreds).

Whoever started that off (think hard) isnt a person id want to interact with again. Whichever person encouraged that isnt a friend. They speak about you behind your back too

But op did the same. They slaggeeeach others partners off. I wonder if another of the gang is feeling the same as op. It was a silly thing to do. I empathise with op but can't help thinking " play stupid games, win stupid prizes"
I hope this doesn't end longstanding friendships

why would you need to 'do' anything going forward?

what even would it be proportionate to do, and what would it achieve?

Does it even really matter if his mates partners don't like him much? You like him, his friends themselves clearly like him given they're still mates with him, presumably his family like him...lots of people aren't that fussed on their partner's friends. If you spend a lot of time together as a group they've clearly managed to hide their dislike of him before this (if indeed they do dislike him rather than just finding one or two things a bit unpleasant) so I can't see any reason why you wouldn't just carry on as before.

If anything having so many people in consensus about fairly unpleasant behaviour you yourself have also noticed would cause me to wonder more about my DH, not the friends. If I was going to change anything it would probably be encouraging him to be less cocky/mean generally, not to divert the blame by expecting everyone around him to not care or notice when he is arrogant or mean towards them!

Fuck around and find out.
Mean conversation to have.
But you acknowledge its true, and while you obviously see the 'why' and have chosen to overlook this part of him (as noone is perfect) thats your decision, other people clearly also have opinions on the way he is around others and ultimately these arent desirable behaviours so they understandably dont like them.
I think sometimes when we overlook people's less nice qualities and continue a relationship with them we subconsciously hope other people don't see them, and it must feel a bit rubbish and embarassing to be presented with evidence that they are in fact seeing it.

So you're making a mountain out of a molehill then.

Some of my best friends have some traits I don't like, doesn't mean I don't like them or like spending time with them.

“none of them escaped without insult”

How was any good ever going to come from this conversation? I’m sure all your friends will be feeling similarly upset and defensive about things that were said about their own OHs. Your ‘friends’ sound like a gaggle of witches. What next, an evening together to slag off each other’s children?

I think that's a very unwise conversation to have there's every chance you're just feeling more sensitive about how your DH was assessed because he's your DH. What was said about the others could be hurtful too and you all engaged in it so it's too late really to start discriminating between what was not-so-bad about one and character assassination about another. It's perfectly possible your friends don't like your DH, I certainly don't like all my friends' partners and some I have to try hard to hide my dislike. But I know it'd be a terrible idea to discuss it all with them, so really you have to own the drunken bad idea and move on from it, not start taking it to heart and reading too much into it from now on.

Also worth saying - generalisation though it is - that male friendships are often very different to women's and they can hang out with people they don't need to like in the same way female friends do. Many aren't so arsed about friends at all, so whether they think your DH is great or cocky or whatever doesn't matter that much. You love him, that's what matters, and you like your friends and they like you. You can't expect everyone beyond that to all like each other but as long as they rub along okay and you enjoy spending time together, carry on as normal. Perhaps without the ill-advised drunk discussion subject matter in future.

That’s bloody unkind and they are not true friends.

I think one of my best friends has married an absolute plonker who is short on brain cells, but I wouldn’t let on in a million years because she’s (somehow) happy.

But from what you’re saying these are accurate criticisms… let’s be honest, having a group slagging session of respective partners was never going to end well!!

I think a conversation like this, regardless if drunk or not, is going to end in tears. We are all human, and we all have good and bad points - some people's bad points can be worse than others. No one is perfect, no one has a perfect partner and no one's life is perfect. OK, so your partner has traits that aren't so great, but those traits aren't horrendous! They could have said much much worse! I don't particularly like one of my friend's husband - I didn't like him much when they were dating, and my opinion hasn't changed since they married. He's rude, arrogant, takes advantage of her kind nature and seems to be disinterested in family life. I've never told her, and never would, as ultimately she's the one married to him, not me (thankfully!). To be honest, I'd draw a line under the incident, and if such a conversation ever happens again, don't involve yourself.

What’s he like to you OP ?

Ouch!

I hate my friend's husband to some tune. He's boorish, completely unreconstructed, thick as mince and totally taking advantage. Another friend's wife I'm not keen on because she gave her the absolute runaround for years, and I have yet another friend who I could shake with the frustration of what the hell is she doing paying her OH's mortgage every month with a smile on her face given the actual circumstances between them.

I hope to god none of them ever asks me directly what I think of their partners because I'm a terrible liar...

You're not happy about what they said but you admit they're right, if they're right why are you offended?
If you know you're DH gets cocky and unfunny because he's insecure surely it would be better to mention it to him, tell him kindly by trying so hard it's actually falling flat. You love him so you want other people to like him too but when he's being a bit much you forgive that, other people won't feel the same.

Jeez, Ive been pissed with my friends so many times and never had the let's slag off the partners' convo.

What you lot did was a receipe for disaster!
Ive not read all the replies yet but did you defend him and did you slag someone else's partner off. If so could they too be feeling a little uneasy?

A very dangerous conversation to have.

In one of our friendship groups, there is a bloke none of us like. He’s awful. But as part of the deal of being close with his wife, we tolerate him.

Never in a million years would we tell her how much we all dislike him.