Drunk confessions - my friends don’t like DH

[2oonie]

This week I was away on holiday for 5 days with some of my closest friends. We all met through our partners who are best mates but in the few years I’ve known them they have become some of the people I trust the most.

Whilst drunk everyone somehow spiralled into a conversation about our partners worst traits, none of them escaped without insult but some got it worse than others, mainly my DH. It seems there was unanimous agreement that he is cocky, tries to hard to be funny, is a bit mean to his mates etc.
I agree that he can come across a bit cocky at times and he does get anxious about not being as funny as his mates but I don’t feel like he’s actually that mean to them, or no more mean than they are to him. It’s made me feel a bit weird as while everyone took a bit of a bashing for the others it was more like “haha isn’t it funny how if he’s drunk he just totally disassociates like he’s disconnected from the server” or “sometimes his jokes are really dark” less actual character assassination.
In the moment I didn’t say anything and like I said we were all drunk but now I am home it’s made me feel a little strange, how do we all meet up as a group in the future when I know so many of them just don’t like him?
AIBU to feel a bit confused and weirded out by this? What would you do going forward?

@2oonie have you considered that this may also be feedback from some of the other parters - his mates. You can be friends with someone but still think they can be a dick. Maybe that’s how his mates see him? Maybe the grievances actually originate from conversations the couples have had with their respective others.

a couple of years ago I would have been you taking rather hurtful feedback on my partner. When he’d had a few too many in the wrong mood he could get really belligerent and mean with me and others. I explained how his behaviour came across and he hasn’t drunk to that level again in 8 years now.

Maybe you can see some of his faults but have rose tinted glasses to how much it’s impacting others

Maybe they are right?

I wonder what OP said during the drunken conversation about the other partners. You make it sound like she didn't participate willingly in this bitchfest. It's toxic, but it wasn't done to her.

I think this sounds most plausible.

You will naturally be focused on the parts about your dh and forgetting what was said about everyone else. A bit like when you look at a group photo but you’re really only bothered about what YOU look like in it.

That said, what a truly awful way to behave. In all my friendship groups it’s an unspoken rule that you never trash anyone else’s partner, even if you think they’re a complete jerk.

I suspect every one of you is sitting reflecting on the mean comments made about your partners, and everyone of you feels offended.

But OP was part of the bitching too - she says they were all talking about each other’s partners. It’s only when they insulted her DH that she took offence to what was happening.

Play dangerous games….

They didn’t say they didn’t like him.

Of course ghey didn’t discuss it before hand, how silly. And the op was sitting bitching about their partners, do you think she sat and discussed that in advance?

OP was presumably contributing to this conversation- she didnt sit there silently so why is her behaviour less toxic than the others?

What did you say about they DH’s op?

At first I thought what kind of people are entertained by bad mouthing each other’s partners, then as another poster pointed out you are only friends through said partners so that is the thread that holds you together as a group so it kind of makes sense the partners are the focus of your group, which is a bit sad really.

Ask yourself if these people actually bring anything to your life apart from convenience and would you be friends with any of them if you say met at work? That said it does sound like your partner is a bit of a twerp if they all were united in their views about his personality rather than about quirky things he does, and that must have been a tough thing to hear and hopefully it won’t give you the ick about him!

‘Whilst drunk everyone somehow spiralled into a conversation about our partners worst traits, none of them escaped without insult but some got it worse than others, mainly my DH’

Her husband got it worse than others… seems it was an opening to bash him imo.

The group is toxic.

That doesn't make her any better than any of the other "toxic" people.

If OP was participating in it then she is just as bad, sorry. Reap what you sow.

Sounds like she wouldnt have been bothered if it had been someone else's partner who had "got it worse". That would have been fine.

none of them escaped without insult but some got it worse than others

Her partner wasnt the only one being insulted, they all were. "some" got it worse than others which indicates it wasnt only her partner

I never said it didn’t. I said the relationship was toxic and I wouldn’t let them tear a strip off my husband. Absolutely bizarre past time.

These people don’t bring out the best in each other.

What a vile conversation, I’d be thinking about my choice of friends, not about their comments on my DH.

But she was doing the same to their husbands - all as bad as each other.

I would also assume that a group of people so willing to bitch about others behind their backs would be equally happy to bitch about me when I'm not there.

Bonding over slagging your friends and partners off is really really not cute.

Are you including OP in that, then? Because she was joining in too.

If those women are your closest friends, God help you

It seems very unlikely that a group of women who became friends because their partner are all friends are truly a close group. The ‘men’ are still the thing holding this group together; even when they’re not there they manage to be the focus of attention. I’m sure lots of you feel a bit uncomfortable about what was said now you’re all sober. I guess it’s partly what you will accept in friendships- a group of women sat around slagging off anyone is not my idea of fun, is it yours?

Remember that everyone has a side to them that is less pleasant. Nobody is perfect, it’s just that for friends, the positive aspects outweigh the negative. So maybe your husband IS sometimes cocky, try-hard and a bit mean, but his good characteristics are go great that they outweigh all this. Maybe he is generous, kind, good fun, hospitable, the friend who is always reliably there when you need him?

Except none of them said that, because the negatives were the point of the (very stupid) conversation.

Genuinely, my friends and I did this about each other when we were in Year 6 Primary school. Unsurprisingly, we all had a massive falling out. We learnt the lesson at 10 years old that “let’s be critical about each other and agree not to take offence” just doesn’t work.

I would draw a line, to be honest, and avoid any such ridiculous conversations in future.

Yes, of course! But usually people who think they're bonding with "friends" over mutually slagging others off don't realise they'll be the target as soon as they leave the room.

I 100% agree with this.