DM didn't call me or get me a present for my birthday

[Mustardmummy]

I feel really sad about this. She got me a printed moonpig card (cheap basic one - I use moonpig myself so know it wasn't one of the nicer ones) fair enough, and sent a giff over Whatsapp.

But no phone call, didn't ask what I might be doing and no gift. We don't live nearby, normally she posts a little something and or puts a a bit of money in my account and sends a nice card and will call me. Nothing. It all felt really impersonal I replied to the giff but she didn't reply back or ask if I'd had a nice day or was doing anything special.

She is perfectly fine, we were on holiday with her not that long ago. Everything fine money wise, her and my Dad are fine. She was even telling me on holiday what she'd gotten one of her friends - some earrings from an independent jewelry brand we both like. So it's not as if she doesn't do presents.

I just feel a bit meh.

Totally agree, completely normal to get a “specific phone call” on your BIRTHDAY!

Mum is fine not housebound, she still works (part time) and was olat Paddle on Friday according to Facebook so seems well.

I'm not sure why it's bizarre to be sad.

I know she thought but it was the weird lack of effort, I don't mind moonpig and the like and we use it a lot at work for client gifts / cards, so I am very familiar with the site/products, that's how I know it was a super basic/cheap card, the ones that are almost like uncoated paper.

Like someone said it feels weird like she purposefully went to the most minimal effort possible and all weirdly impersonal.

Oh no she did text me....she sent me a animated giff on Whatsapp. Nothing else. I did message her back saying thank you but she didn't respond to this.

Her own Mother was buying her presents right up until she went into a home earlier this year.

There have been no arguments. The only thing I can think of is that we only did flowers for hers but that is because we came back from holiday to find our new kitchen flooded and new floor ruined, it's been a stressful few weeks. They were nice tough and and we called her and my children called her separately when they got back from school.

What would you normally get her for her birthday @Mustardmummy?

It’s hard to say whether yabu as there are 2 sides to consider here . Is it possible you’ve neglected to check in on her ? She feels taken for granted ? Have you made less than special effort for her birthday / Mother’s Day/ etc. My grown dd would have a meltdown if I didn’t make a fuss on their birthday and run me down to one another and anyone else who would listen ( it’s happened). On my birthday this year I got a text . No cards no visit no gift. Their dad however gets the works gifts cards a day out always a meal and also I get the pleasure of seeing it all over social media. So I am sure this isn’t you at all but just think could you have missed something. Also a good point made is that she may be unwell . If it’s out of character then something clearly isn’t right . Go have a cuppa with her and have a chat.

Bully for you (and @Amy454 )! But OP's mother usually does send a small gift and speaks to her on her birthday. They haven't miserably mutually decided to ignore birthdays and her mother clearly hasn't changed her mind unilaterally because she recently gave her friend a gift.

You’re presenting your own expectations as universal truth . They aren’t. Plenty of adults still get a phone call, a thoughtful message, and a small gesture from their parents . The op wanting something more personal than a cheap printed card is not unreasonable.

We aren't miserable thanks for thinking of us😄
It's something we choose not to do because we'd rather treat each other throughout the year, unexpected dinners out, trips out.
So in our case cards and presents aren't needed on a particular day.
Everyone on MN are different in how they run their lives.

My mother views it as a source of pride that she remembers birthdays and always sends a card on time and gets thoughtful presents. If she doesn't send anything or phone then it's for the following reasons:

1. you are being punished for some imagined misdemeanour (this is tiresome and best ignored),
2. the present is delayed in arriving, in which case you will get an effusive apology the day before your birthday.

DH's family don't remember birthdays. No insult is taken when nobody sends a present or card, they tend to give presents when they meet up. Although I was not impressed when none of them even acknowledged DH's 50th at all - not even a whatapp message.

Different families, different cultures, different expectations.

Give her a call. Check to see if she’s ok. It sounds as if it’s out of character for HER, so it doesn’t matter whether the rest of us expect/ give presents to other family members or not. It’s your birthday (so happy birthday from a random mumsnetter) but there are still more important priorities right now, like making sure she’s ok. I lost my mum this year, I’d give anything to be able to pick up that phone myself to check up on her, instead of nursing some resentment because she didn’t do it first.

All I want is to heaf more from @Cynic17 on this absolutely bizarre opinion!! Please explain a little?

I assume those sort of posters are the ones that don’t bother with their adult children.

How very snotty of you. There have been times, being housebound for example, when I haven't been able to go out to either buy a card or to post it, and have had to use Moonpig for both card and a token present. I'm pretty sure they were received in the spirit they were sent.

I would give anything to ring my adult daughter who estranged herself from me. Her sister is indifferent to us too. Perhaps she felt it might be an intrusion to ring. She did send a card after all!

My mother did similar one year. No card, no present, no phonecall. I rang her in the end, my dad answered and I could hear her in the background say I'm not talking to her. My crime? I hadn't gone home for my birthday. I was 53.

My mum forgot my 50th completely until my brother reminded her it was coming up. And then she had to ask me what date it was because the date she’d guessed was wrong. I refused to tell her because I was having far too much fun making her feel bad for forgetting her first born’s date of birth (not seriously, we have a very good relationship) and because I didn’t want her to bother going to all the trouble of getting a card when it wasn’t important to me. That’s my general take on birthdays.

And even I think you’re being a bit weird for thinking a specific call from your mum on your birthday would be odd. Do you not get on with your parents?

@Amy454 @Cynic17 @Boomer55 and anyone else totally missing the point, I had my 54 birthday last month and it was the first one that my mum wasn't my very first call or text. But then, she does have dementia, so his wont be the last time that this happens - and probably why the OP started a thread - she's concerned because it's unusual for us.

I only see this view on MN! In real life most people I know celebrate their birthdays at home with family and also go out for a drink or meal with friends. We are in our fifties so it’s not for social media etc. It’s just a great reason to make time for each other and celebrate whose birthday it is. Nothing flash, but just fun and nice to make someone feel extra special. I find the MN prevailing view quite unusual to say the least!

Did you give them presents when young? At what age did you stop? I love making a fuss of my adult kids and it almost feels like an instinct to give them presents on their birthday. It would feel so odd to stop suddenly!

We also go for impromptu meals and theatre trips, as well as giving surprise gifts or surprises in the year. The birthdays are the literal icing on the cake!!

We all stopped presents for birthdays at 18, as mutual agreemement with the kids. We are pagans so don't celebrate christmas, so no presents, we don't celebrate mothers day or anything like that. But we will treat each other to the odd meal out just to get together, cinema, theatre tickets and the like throughout the year.

Have you spoken to her since? Did you not call her on your birthday @Mustardmummy

Exactly! Who wouldn't expect a call from their mum on their birthday. And what kind of Mum wouldn't call their children on their birthday even if they are adults?