DM didn't call me or get me a present for my birthday

[Mustardmummy]

I feel really sad about this. She got me a printed moonpig card (cheap basic one - I use moonpig myself so know it wasn't one of the nicer ones) fair enough, and sent a giff over Whatsapp.

But no phone call, didn't ask what I might be doing and no gift. We don't live nearby, normally she posts a little something and or puts a a bit of money in my account and sends a nice card and will call me. Nothing. It all felt really impersonal I replied to the giff but she didn't reply back or ask if I'd had a nice day or was doing anything special.

She is perfectly fine, we were on holiday with her not that long ago. Everything fine money wise, her and my Dad are fine. She was even telling me on holiday what she'd gotten one of her friends - some earrings from an independent jewelry brand we both like. So it's not as if she doesn't do presents.

I just feel a bit meh.

It's poor effort for your child. Yes she has thought, she's thought what's the minimum I can get away with.

Op yes that is rubbish, I'd say match her energy if you are putting more in than she is.

No suprise the joyless "adults don't need birthdays" and "why do you expect a phonecall from your mum +head tilt+ how odd!" brigade are out.

I get you OP, my mam usually makes a fuss on my birthday so if she suddenly went very generic and low effort I'd wonder what I'd done wrong too.

Oh yes they are!

I am struggling to find the words in the op where she says - despite me and my mother agreeing last year no presents I still expected one - that's probably because it's not in the original op as they , unlike you, haven't made that agreement.

My DD was 9 yesterday and her grandma on her Dad’s side didn’t send a card or even call her. Now that’s something to be pissed off about OP.

So have you asked her why she didn’t ring or give you a gift?

Why would the OP be pissed off about your 9 year old who she doesn't know not getting a call from her grandma?

Why would you agree no presents but still expect one? 🤔

I can’t imagine not wishing either of my middle aged DC happy birthday, or not buying them something, or any of the DGC. They do the same for me.

Happy Birthday @Mustardmummy 💐

Does the op know your child, why would that piss her off? She can be empathetic of course as I am - that is poor.

On a side note I think we should rename mumsnet - Race to the bottom.

I am late forties and my dad never said happy birthday to me unless he was reminded by someone. Last year he said he doesn’t know when my birthday is. No dementia or similar issues. Just him being a c**t.

If it's not normal behaviour, then I would mostly be concerned as to why, I think?

Although as you have gone straight to being upset by her lack of effort, I am wondering if it isn't really out of character?

(My parents never do more than send an impersonal card for my birthday. This is, however, entirely indicative of the state of our relationship).

Sorry to hear this OP. I can see how that would be hurtful.

Two weeks ago on my birthday my dad wished my sister happy birthday on family WhatsApp group except that it was my birthday (sister born in February). After which my mum just wrote “well happy birthday from all of us” to me. That’s all I’ve got.

Families can be difficult.

There’s a possibility that she sent something that wasn’t delivered, things often seem to be going to the wrong address these days. If it’s really out of character are you sure she’s okay? Otherwise it’s slightly upsetting but I would just forget it and see if she’s still her normal self when you next see her.

Although I agree it’s odd that she didn’t call you, you should definitely call her. Just in the last month I’ve had a courier parcel go missing, and a posted letter turn up 2 weeks late. She might have sent something. In any case, just checking nothing had gone astray could be a good way to open up a conversation.

Given that in previous years she has been more invested in how she treats you on your birthday, I would say that something has happened that has caused her to do the very basic necessities for your birthday.

It’s not been downgraded because of finances and besides she could have phoned you if that was the case.

I imagine that it’s a perceived slight that she has caused some distance between you and rather than address what it is you have supposedly said or done that has caused offence she has chosen not to be so effusive about your birthday but still acknowledging it!

Usually these things arise because of something petty, so you should take the direct approach and ask her.

Agree 100%

My mother forgets every year about my birthday. Usually my DD has to message her to tell her she’s forgotten. I find it quite upsetting. She never forgets anyone else’s birthday.

I seriously wonder about some people on this site.

You think a mother ringing their adult child on their birthday is "very odd". WTAF

I dont know anyone who wouldnt ring their kid to wish them a happy birthday. What kind of mean spirited, weird people do you know? 😳

I know - they are so joyless! You are now an adult -
no fun or silliness for you. And you will soon be dead 😂

YANBU OP - I would be so disappointed if my mum did this on my birthday

Adult birthdays do matter, if they have always mattered. My Dad would always call me on my birthday. I had no expectation of gifts or cards but a phone call would be a bare minimum.

OP I would leave it a couple of days and then have a conversation to find out if everything is OK, maybe there is something else going on e.g. you irritated her and the lack of birthday day communication is payback

I know - they are so joyless!

It always reminds me of the Blackadder episode when his puritan relatives come to visit and castigate Blackadder for having fun. "Chairs? you sit on chairs?- they are the invention of the devil, Nathaniel sits on a spike!"

Cant have anyone experiencing any fun!

You wouldn’t.
That’s why this poster has pointed out - this. WASN’T agreed!

I’d be worried. Something has changed

Match the energy. Give her the same back on her birthday.

I once spent the whole day with my family on my birthday and they had all forgotten. I took the hint.

I must have been very lucky. God bless her, when my mum became too frail to organise a cake for me, she got my husband to get the cake and card for her.

Only when the dementia took hold did this stop.