DM didn't call me or get me a present for my birthday

[Mustardmummy]

I feel really sad about this. She got me a printed moonpig card (cheap basic one - I use moonpig myself so know it wasn't one of the nicer ones) fair enough, and sent a giff over Whatsapp.

But no phone call, didn't ask what I might be doing and no gift. We don't live nearby, normally she posts a little something and or puts a a bit of money in my account and sends a nice card and will call me. Nothing. It all felt really impersonal I replied to the giff but she didn't reply back or ask if I'd had a nice day or was doing anything special.

She is perfectly fine, we were on holiday with her not that long ago. Everything fine money wise, her and my Dad are fine. She was even telling me on holiday what she'd gotten one of her friends - some earrings from an independent jewelry brand we both like. So it's not as if she doesn't do presents.

I just feel a bit meh.

I'm always amazed when people post this sort of arrogant nonsense. Who made you the arbiter of whether adult birthdays are important? You can say birthdays aren't important to you, but you don't get to make the rules for the rest of the population.

Clearly they are important to OP as she started a thread about it.

Ask your Dad if everything's OK.

This is a very sad view. In our family, it is normal for us to phone and wish each other Happy Birthday, Happy Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter or Happy Anniversary according to the occasion. It is also normal to send special cards for close family members as well as nice gifts. It is not greedy to enjoy this nor does it matter what age we are. For reference, I am 61 in three weeks' time and my mother is nearly 84.

I get a card too op thats it. Nothing on my 50th. Its a bit hurtful but you get told on here you an adult now lol. My mother is a bit tight though

Phone her.

Same, I personalise it, research latest interests, put a photo of the person on it. I have multiple relatives in Australia and do one from my dm too, cos she is clueless about the internet and currently house bound.

Adult or not, if the usual mo is to receive a card/cash/present, then I’d be pissed off too. Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean you don’t care if your mum can’t be arsed to call on your birthday.

But, does she show you how much she loves and appreciates you all year round?
I can acknowledge that I'm crap with birthdays, I try, but it doesn't come naturally.
DS ( middle aged) actually said what he wanted this year, and got it! I also paid for lovely meal.
BUT....left to myself, it would have been a card, meal and token gift.
I just dont get it.
But it's not because I don't care. I just don't care about giving gifts on a prescribed date.

My son benefits throughout the year, but, I am admittedly, crap at birthdays 😒

You’re the odd one! This is grown woman moaning her mother only sent her a birthday card! Ffs she’s an adult not a 5 year old although her post makes her sound an entitled brat!

how odd that people on this app think wishing your offspring a happy birthday and buying a present is odd. I cant ever imagine never wishing my kids (adults or not) a happy birthday or not sending them a gift. sounds like some people are just beyond miserable and im glad im not related to those that feel that way, jeeezzz! this app really does bring out some right oddballs

I don’t agree, life is busy and being able to arrange a card online is quick and easy. Going to a shop to buy a card, buy a stamp and post can be a faff for some people. I send ‘proper’ cards but I have the time to do so. My overseas family always use moon pig as it’s much easier for them.

Try to analyse your own behaviour to see if you can find the possible answer to this. As you say, it's out of character for her. What do you to for her birthday or mother's day for example?

One of my adult DC never sends me a card or buys me a present, apart from a Christmas present if we are going to be seeing one another at Christmas. They live 100 miles away and although our relationship is generally good, we don't speak that often and when we do, it's always me that rings them. If I try to get more than one decent phone call a month they just won't answer the phone. The only time they ring me is when they want something.

This year I received a text on my birthday and nothing at all on mother's day. The last couple of times DH and I have put a sizeable amount of money in their bank account we didn't even get a thank you. It's sort of become expected and taken for granted. That disappoints me. When it's their birthday next, which is quite soon, I am planning on doing absolutely nothing. Just to see if it jolts them into wondering why. And if they ask, I will tell them.

Not trying to make excuses, but maybe she finds it difficult to buy something for you and she doesn't know what to get and it stresses her out (because she wants to get you something nice but she doesn't know what, and she knows the date on the calendar, and it's coming closer and closer, and she wishes she could do something lovely for you, and then the day comes, she lays low, and then it's over)
And maybe she feels guilty, but then she can forget about it for another year, but you didn't forget that you didn't get anything much more than a card, and then you feel bad.

Some posters have suggested to match her energy and give her the same birthday response that she gave to you.
I can see why that's tempting, but I wouldn't suggest it.
Communication is probably better, and sooner rather than later.

I don't know if this would be feasible for you but the most direct thing would be to say "my birthday was the other day and you know what, it really didn't feel all that special to me (don't lay blame with her specifically)... let's do something together, can we have a belated birthday lunch? I'd love to get together with you"

Hugs, and belated happy birthday

Oh bless.

Presume you have a good relationship to go on holiday together and that it’s unusual for her to not send a present. I would definately make a joke with my own Mum and she would be mortified if she’d forgotten. Could you ask your Dad and say you dont want to offend your Mum, but she normally sends you a gift etc? Check she is ok?

There is always a chance she’s ordered something directly to and its not arrived (MIL always sends flowers to me). Also, perhaps she has just forgotten to send the money to you but its not nice she hasn’t asked about your day.

I do think no excuse for not either calling or messaging to ask how your day is, especially if she normally always does. I would speak to your Dad if you can.

Literally one I've ever met in real life has the ''birthdays aren't important as an adult' view. No one. What happened for others to have been made to feel that way!

Birthdays are important whatever your age, a celebration of you, a way for others to perhaps show their love, affection or appreciation of you maybe?

OP, I hope you had a lovely birthday regardless of this and maybe just see how your Mum is if this is unusual for her.

I was visiting my Dad on my birthday. No card, no present, nothing. My Stepmother said it was up to my Dad to make me a cuppa as I am “his”. They did ensure that my husband got something from my son for Father’s Day (despite me saying I had sorted it) but didn’t feel they needed to even get me a card from themselves, never mind thinking about sorting something from my Son (which my husband had done btw). Just weird how they went to so much effort for my husband for Father’s Day and not even a card for me when I was physically with them visiting on my actual birthday.

I didn’t get gifts from my parents as an adult. If we went out to dinner they’d pay but I wouldn’t be expecting more than a card.

I think moonpig cards are fine. I really don’t see why it’s an issue. I have literally just sent one to the hospital that looked after my relative who died. I’m not in a fit state to go to the post office so I don’t get what is wrong with a moonpig card (not really aimed at the Poster just in general I really don’t get why that would be an issue).

I also think it’s odd for a mum not to call on your birthday. Or at least text to see what you are up to. If you had replied I’m out for dinner with friends/ family and then your mum said have a great time I’ll call you tomorrow then I think that’s normal.

Im not a big fan of presents as I get overwhelmed by stuff. I have always said to my teenage boys that as they get older I would love them to come and see me for my birthday/ Mother’s Day if they are local. Or if it’s not practical I would love a phone call or if they can’t do that (1 is in the military so might not be possible) then I would like a message.

So I think it’s normal to want some contact from the people you care about most for your
birthday.

If it’s unusual I would ring your mum and say I was just checking you are ok as it’s not like you to not ring me on my birthday. Something might have happened such as a household appliance breaking or some sort of minor issue so that distracted her from calling but she didn’t want to bother you with it on your birthday.

Out of interest, what did your dad do for your birthday and what did you do for your DM for her most recent birthday?

A ‘specific phone call’ from my mum on my birthday would absolutely not be ‘very odd’ to me, especially if that is the norm between us which is sounds like it is between OP and her mum. Assuming your relationship with your mum is good it’s not ‘very odd’ in the slightest to get at least a phone call on your birthday.

Please don’t try and make the OP feel bad for wishing she’d had a gift from her own mother on her birthday either. The very odd behaviour here is coming from you, @Cynic17, not them.

Clearly it's not unreasonable to be surprised and disappointed that DM hasn't made the effort for your birthday this year that she usually does.

So what do you think's happened OP? Your mum's suddenly turned heartless, or stopped caring for some reason?

How is a 'specific' call very odd and a gift however small ,neither of these things are an odd thing for a mother to do on her daughters birthday regardless of their age.

Well, you know what to get her for Christmas.

Well, no…not if that’s quite normal in your family! It doesn’t seem it is in OP’s.