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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband advice

83 replies

OneRoseWriter · 15/11/2025 06:52

Sorry, long post!
Okay, so I'm a stay at home mum of 3, all 5 and under and currently trying for our 4th that we both really want. My husband and I both have agreed that having them closer in age is what we want, so no problem there. However, I'm keen on having about 6 kids, but my husband thinks 4 is plenty. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I do the majority of housework, parenting, discipline and pretty much everything else. He's a great husband and dad when he sets his mind to it, but he does struggle to be motivated/ engaged with both the kids and I, and I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything. He doesn't really play with the kids, and is quite strict (think that's from his childhood) and it feels like often daily tasks are a burden. How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging? As both of those things aren't helpful but he also shuts down pretty quick if he feels attacked. I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work, and he often complains about being tired etc, when I'm doing a lot worse on the sleep front. And I try really hard to stay positive and not complain, and I absolutely love being a mum too, so it's easier than not. He works hard, but it's an office job with 3 days of 5 in his home office, so mentally tiring but not too draining. I'm wondering if he may have a mental health issue such as depression, he's not very healthy but again, unmotivated. Sometimes I feel like he's a completely different person than who I married, but after 7 years and 3 kids, maybe he is! Just don't know what to do tbh. I do really love him and want this to work, just at a bit of a loss, because how much should you have to tell a grown man before they're just another child you're parenting?

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 15/11/2025 07:06

You have 3 DC and he hasn’t stepped up, does he do anything with DC at all. I don’t think I would be considering anymore DC unless he’s committed in helping out. As your DC get older, maybe he can connect with them more, but he will need to step up, taking them to school, after school clubs and just ferrying them out and about.

crossant · 15/11/2025 07:06

If you want more kids with this man, you should do it with your eyes open - he's not going to change and the vast majority of the childcare and housework will fall to you.

If that's okay with you, great! Tell him you don't need him to step up after all, which should help with the reluctance to have more. Then crack on and have three more kids, enjoy the large family, and remember that he pretty clearly told you in advance that he wasn't going to help with any of it.

If it's not okay, then reconsider your plans and decide what's most important to you.

Whatever you do, don't have more kids and expect that things will magically get better.

Moonnstars · 15/11/2025 07:09

I am not sure why you would consider having more children when he already opts out of the ones you have. More will just add to the pressure and give him more of an excuse not to be involved (financial stress of being sole earner, works hard all day just wants a break when he gets home not to be nagged at). I appreciate you experience all those things too but as he isn't fully on board with having more children he will make his needs seem greater and you might as well solo parent.
If you want things to work with him I would focus on the 3 children already have and spending time on your relationship.

Peclet · 15/11/2025 07:11

Please do not bring more children into this family. He’s not a good father and this is DAMAGING your children.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/11/2025 07:16

He’s not a great husband and dad though is he - if he was he wouldn’t have to be railroaded into spending time and effort with you and them.

You already have 3 kids and put in all the effort, why do you want 3 more?

Do you plan on being a sahm forever? If so you will be completely financially dependent and vulnerable.

PersephoneParlormaid · 15/11/2025 07:20

He won’t change so put up with it or move on.

3luckystars · 15/11/2025 07:30

I would calm down about adding more children into the mix for now, get the house sorted first. Get your relationship and home steady and equitable. You are disagreeing over major things and that’s ok for a while but the unfairness will eventually piss you both off.

Expecting his job to support 8 people for 20 years is a big ask.
Expecting you to do all the housework and childminding for 20 years is a big ask.

Being a parent is hard, so hard, especially as they get older and the teenage years are so i
hard I can’t even describe it to you, and you will be older then too. 3 teenagers will be a lot!! The mum bit gets harder, the jobs keeps changing.
Do you want a baby, or another child? Lots of people love babies.

I think you need to just get your relationship and your house on an even keel with realistic plans for the future before adding any more children. All the very best.

Ibizaonmymind · 15/11/2025 07:37

I don’t think he will change at this point because he doesn’t need to. He won’t even let you raise it with him and talk about it.

He definitely isn’t a good dad because that would be engaging with his children with patience and love and wanting to spend time with them and involved with their lives.
Please don’t have more children with him because it will harm your children emotionally to have a completely disengaged father.

euff · 15/11/2025 07:41

Aside from the current sharing of responsibilities, If one party in a relationship doesn’t want more children, then there shouldn’t be more children.

ChampagneJen · 15/11/2025 07:44

I can’t understand your desire to have 6 kids (!) but anyway that’s your choice. But the naivety to think this man is going to change, especially when he is telling you he doesn’t want more kids, is astounding. Does he really want a 4th??

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 15/11/2025 07:50

Bloody hell 6 kids 😳

InterestedDad37 · 15/11/2025 08:09

Ffs, what are you even doing with him in the first place? Was there nothing, ever, to show that he wasn't the type who would step up be a decent father/partner?
Now, three kids in, and you've got a piece of furniture for a husband. It's not your fault, obviously, he's the ignorant and lazy fcker, but you DO have some agency in this!

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 15/11/2025 08:26

So he is a crap Dad who won’t let you talk to him about it!! and you want more kids with him?!

He is clearly telling you he doesn’t want more (he probably doesn’t really want number 4!) so you have a choice about what you do next.

Magnalux · 15/11/2025 08:42

having double the amount of children you have now with a man who is clearly struggling to cope with the current three is not a recipe for a happy family. Even though you will be doing all of the heavy lifting with regards the kids, just living in a house with that many people will be loud and chaotic, which is fine if that’s what you want, I’d imagine it would be overwhelming and daunting if you feel railroaded into it. This man is not a man who wants 6 kids nor will he step up and parent them or help you. You will inevitably end up resenting him more and more as your workload increases

3luckystars · 15/11/2025 08:47

And if you become unwell, the house will be like a zoo.

RancidRuby · 15/11/2025 10:04

If he's not engaged in family life now with 3 kids then I highly doubt he'll change by adding more kids into the mix and you can't make him have more if that isn't what he wants. Just enjoy the children you have and focus on them, don't bring yet more children into this dysfunction.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/11/2025 10:10

It just sounds all too much. Stop having kids.

JLou08 · 15/11/2025 15:05

You are not doing everything. He is working and providing for you all. Can you really not understand the pressure on people to have another child to fund?
I think SAHMs are really unfairly undervalued and It's great this works for your family but you are being really selfish/ignorant to not recognise that your DH has to consider how he will pay for another child for a minimum of 18 years and continue to fund you being a SAHP.

MissRaspberry · 15/11/2025 15:05

I'm confused as to why you would choose to have more kids with him knowing he barely parents the three you already have. His job isn't a free ticket out of taking responsibility of being an actual active parent. It's all fine and well to say he works but that doesn't mean that he gets to hand all of the general parenting duties to you.

You say he doesn't get to feel that more than 4 kids is top many but realistically if you're not planning to work and financially contribute I kind of get his point on that note. If he's going to be the only one working he's probably worried about affording so many kids on only his income as universal credits won't top up your finances for any more than two

FeliciaFancybottom · 15/11/2025 15:10

Why on earth do you want more kids?

Casperroonie · 15/11/2025 15:11

OneRoseWriter · 15/11/2025 06:52

Sorry, long post!
Okay, so I'm a stay at home mum of 3, all 5 and under and currently trying for our 4th that we both really want. My husband and I both have agreed that having them closer in age is what we want, so no problem there. However, I'm keen on having about 6 kids, but my husband thinks 4 is plenty. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I do the majority of housework, parenting, discipline and pretty much everything else. He's a great husband and dad when he sets his mind to it, but he does struggle to be motivated/ engaged with both the kids and I, and I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything. He doesn't really play with the kids, and is quite strict (think that's from his childhood) and it feels like often daily tasks are a burden. How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging? As both of those things aren't helpful but he also shuts down pretty quick if he feels attacked. I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work, and he often complains about being tired etc, when I'm doing a lot worse on the sleep front. And I try really hard to stay positive and not complain, and I absolutely love being a mum too, so it's easier than not. He works hard, but it's an office job with 3 days of 5 in his home office, so mentally tiring but not too draining. I'm wondering if he may have a mental health issue such as depression, he's not very healthy but again, unmotivated. Sometimes I feel like he's a completely different person than who I married, but after 7 years and 3 kids, maybe he is! Just don't know what to do tbh. I do really love him and want this to work, just at a bit of a loss, because how much should you have to tell a grown man before they're just another child you're parenting?

There's too many people in the world already. Stop.

He's obviously not going to suddenly change. Just stop.

mummybear35 · 15/11/2025 15:12

If he hasn’t stepped up in all this time, chances are this is as good as it gets. The last thing I’d want to do is have even more kids with him. He’s already said he doesn’t want more than four. If you go against that, it may be the beginning of the end and then one day, you may find yourself a single mum of six which I can assure you is no walk in the park. You’ve already got four, concentrate of giving them the best life..

Can I ask add, with all of them so close in age, think ahead…you will more than likely have more than one at uni at the same time. Even with loans for fees and student loans rent and expenses, I know many parents that are topping up EACH child to the tune of several thousand pounds a year just to keep them above water at uni. Do you think this is something you could realistically do? By having more and not planning ahead, you’re effectively depriving the kids you already have of the financial help when they need it at uni. Few parent look ahead and regret it later…rent alone can be £10k for the year PER uni student and if they only qualify for minimum loan, they’ll get about £4.5k and parents are expected to top up the rest PER year PER child. Think about it..

EuclidianGeometryFan · 15/11/2025 15:12

I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything [...]
How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging?
That is extremely difficult. Something millions of women struggle with.
Basically, you can't change him - he has to want to change.

Sit down when you are both calm and discuss if you feel that you both have equal leisure time or 'time off'. Don't count jobs and tasks, count hours each get to sit on the sofa doing nothing, or going out alone to hobbies/socialising.

I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work,
Because he is the sole earner. He is tired from the responsibility.
Babies are quite cheap, teenagers are not. How will you fund their activities and hobbies? What if they all want to go to university? Will you be able to help them get their first house? Help pay for weddings?

You need to look beyond the baby and young child stage, and take a good hard look at what the next twenty to thirty years will be like.

Worldwidewebb · 15/11/2025 15:14

Are you doing all the work? It sounds like he's paying all the bills. Does that not count?

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/11/2025 15:20

Why on earth do you want more kids when he isn’t stepping up with the ones you’ve got? Genuine question. Why on earth would he change if there are more children? He won’t. So if you want more just be prepared to do everything you do now but more of it. That’s just the reality. Because he doesn’t want more. I think he’s probably beaten down by the responsibility. Sole provider for 4 kids and a wife is challenging, never mind more! How are you (ie how is he) going to fund college or uni for all these children?