Husband advice

[OneRoseWriter]

Sorry, long post!
Okay, so I'm a stay at home mum of 3, all 5 and under and currently trying for our 4th that we both really want. My husband and I both have agreed that having them closer in age is what we want, so no problem there. However, I'm keen on having about 6 kids, but my husband thinks 4 is plenty. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I do the majority of housework, parenting, discipline and pretty much everything else. He's a great husband and dad when he sets his mind to it, but he does struggle to be motivated/ engaged with both the kids and I, and I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything. He doesn't really play with the kids, and is quite strict (think that's from his childhood) and it feels like often daily tasks are a burden. How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging? As both of those things aren't helpful but he also shuts down pretty quick if he feels attacked. I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work, and he often complains about being tired etc, when I'm doing a lot worse on the sleep front. And I try really hard to stay positive and not complain, and I absolutely love being a mum too, so it's easier than not. He works hard, but it's an office job with 3 days of 5 in his home office, so mentally tiring but not too draining. I'm wondering if he may have a mental health issue such as depression, he's not very healthy but again, unmotivated. Sometimes I feel like he's a completely different person than who I married, but after 7 years and 3 kids, maybe he is! Just don't know what to do tbh. I do really love him and want this to work, just at a bit of a loss, because how much should you have to tell a grown man before they're just another child you're parenting?

Just wow. I think your incredibly selfish to be pushing for more than 4 kids. Listen to your husband and take in his account. So many people can't have children and your kicking off over the fact your not getting your own way!

In my experience husband's who do naff all will continue to

I think the most important thing to remember OP is that there kids you still ant to have are to the husband you have, not the husband you’d like to have in an ideal world. He’s shown you what he’s willing to contribute; plan your future accordingly

I'd love to know how he's a "great husband and dad" when he seems to have entirely checked out.

Going against the grain here but you sound extremely selfish. It sounds like you are just using her DH as a sperm donor and a bank. Do you and DH spend and quality time together as a couple?

Is he worried about money. Being the only person working with potentially 6 kids is eye watering. If you're a sahm then probably the majority of the day to day stay will fall to you. But yes he certainly should be stepping up when he's not working.

Maybe sort yourselves out with the kids you have before bring more into your family.

Also 6 kids the finances bigger car, bigger house, Christmas etc etc. Major financial burden. He maybe has an amazing salary. Good luck

Having 6, or even 4 children when both parents are not 100% on board with it is nothing short of selfish. I was one of 6 children and saw my parents struggle for years. I also ended up raising myself a lot of the time, and it’s no fucking picnic, I can assure you.
What happens if you have all those children and you die? Become incapacitated? Or he does? I am not surprised he isn’t motivated, because if I was him, the idea of having to work to support all those kids for the next 25 years AND care for them in the event you died would possibly terrify me into a stupor too.
Just raise the 3 you have (which is already a large family by modern standards) and give them opportunities they will absolutely NOT have if you double their number. Support your husband and yourself by planning to go into work of some description once your youngest is old enough and then ensure he gets his act together on the basis of that agreement and pulls his weight too. I suspect if you suddenly stopped talking about having 6 kids and told him you’re finished having them, he might be more inclined to get off his arse and do more to raise them practically, rather than just financially.

This isn’t about you just expecting him to pull his weight and just get on board with YOUR plan, this is about you realising that marriage and parenting is a partnership, and you will need to be reasonable and compromise too.

Not being unreasonable to want him to pull his weight but yes unreasonable to want more children when he doesn't

Blosdy hell woman, stop having children. If you are unable to work due to childcare commitments and your husband does nothing around ths house or to parent the children you already have, why would adding more children improve the situation?

Agree with this. Please don’t saddle more human beings with a “strict” and disinterested father. It will affect them and those around them for the next 75+ years.Not to mention how selfish it is for any couple in 2025 to reproduce two or three times replacement rate.

OP, this is quite a bizarre post. You're describing wanting many more children with a man who is irritable, depressive, hands off as a parent, and different to the man you married. This makes no sense at all.

Think of your existing three tiny kids, their needs and the life you want for them, not your own fantasy of a huge family.

Him not engaging with the kids is a problem. But the flip side of this is he is already the sole provider for 5 people. His job is presumably well paid? But you seem to think its easy because he gets to work from home for 3 days (a lot of people would be up in arms if a man said being a sahm wasnt draining because they are just at home 🤷‍♀️) and im sure it's hardly a stress free environment for him to be working in with 3 very young children around. While he is financially providing for you all you are complaining about is that you have to do most of the house work and child care (i mean yeah you are a sahm thats kind of the deal) all the while trying to push more and more children on him. Maybe he is reaching his limit. You want him to potentiality support 8 people financially, be wonder husband so you don't have to do as much around the house and also squeeze in to that time with his children. Maybe he is finding 3 children under 5 hell on earth and isn't too thrilled about adding a load more. If I'm honest from your post you seem extremely dismissive of him and frankly it sounds like he is just a walking money and sperm bank for you. If you do love him maybe try talking to him. There could be many reasons why he doesn't want to have more and more children. Maybe you are up to your eyeballs in debt and he's trying to sort that on his own who knows 🤷‍♀️

Apologies I’m struggling to follow the logic in your OP.

You think he shouldn’t get a say in how many children you have because you do all the work.

But you are also complaining that he isn’t doing enough at home with the 3 you already have.

And he presumably doesn’t want 6 children because that will be double the complaining?

Six children will double your workload which you are already complaining is too much?

I’ve been a SAHM, I understand the role. It’s not easy and it sounds like he doesn’t pitch in as he should.

But I do think your OP is minimising his role. He currently has to be sole financial support for 5 people. You want to make that 8. In an economy where most families need two salaries to support 4 people you want half the income to support double the people.

With 6 children your ability to go back to work is going to be severely limited (though I do know a mum of 7 who runs her own business, but she is fairly extraordinary).

Children get more expensive as they get older not less. I’m not talking about phones and extracurricular activities I’m
talking about shoes and food and school uniform. You’ll need a bigger car and presumably a bigger house.

My DH and I have well paid full time jobs and both our employers have had round after round of redundancies in the last ten years. I can’t imagine going through that if my job had to support 8 people.

And what of contingency plans for the future, if your DH should heaven forbid get ill and be unable to work (and has happened to two colleagues of mine recently, both with strokes) how would you support the family?

You need to think long term about the needs for the children, the health of your marriage, your financial stability.

You can’t just stamp your feet and say “I do all the bathtimes and housework so I get to decide”.

Stop having kids, get a job and split things more equally at home.

I’d definitely advise against more children. It’s like adding an extra load to a weak bridge.

I could have written this myself (years ago). Obviously I can’t guarantee that your story will pan out the same way, but my DH left me, saying that we had too many children and he wanted some peace and quiet. Being a parent, let alone single parent to multiple children is hard work. I don’t regret having my children for a second, tbh I don’t regret getting divorced now either, but it’s bloody hard work and stressful.
(Just to add that my DH had always wanted 6 children, I wanted 4, number 5 was not planned. He was on a good salary, I was a SAHM with a part time, low paid job working around the children and his job).

I don't think there are many women in the world who would want to gestate, birth, and raise six people. Definitely not every woman.

An unhealthy, disinterested man having four people utterly dependent on him financially is not a good idea.
Do you have a pension OP?

A part time job would be better for your future than become even more dependent on this man.

Sorry OP, this scenario can't end well. You're having kids with a man who isn't cut out for fatherhood and you want even more kids and for him to fund this massive family without any say so in it's size..

I'm not surprised he's in a depressive state and exhausted.

Will his job fund 8 people into the future? 6 kids at uni pretty much all at the same time? Teenagers are a LOT more expensive than small kids..I don't know how you can afford this ones you have but doubling the amount of kids is crazy. How are you going to transport and house 6 kids who are like steps of stairs in age?

You need to stop having endless kids, geg a job and share the load between you both earnings wise and domestic labour wise.

Otherwise he will up and leave you one of these days because the pressure of your fantasy life has become too much for him to bear.

Would we all? I'd rather set myself on fire than have 6 kids.

You might have both planned 6 kids, but things change once the reality of parenting sets in. Children deserve to have both parents want them, engaged and interested in them. Your desire for a set amount of kids doesn't trump the needs of your children and their childhood experiences. If your husband is struggling now, he isn't going to suddenly become father of the year the more kids you pump out.

So many people want have this vision of a Walton esque large family. The OP would do well to read the numerous threads on here of people who grew up in large families with parents that couldn't cope or struggled with the large amount of children and the lasting impact it has had on them.

He's a great father but won't spend any time with his kids. He's a great husband but won't share the load. Raise your bar.

@InterestedDad37 said "...Now, three kids in, and you've got a piece of furniture for a husband."

Thanks! This was properly spit-my-drink-out funny. 😅

He's probably overwhelmed. 6 is a lot. Why cant you accept 3 or 4?

Wait, would we??? 😂

Arguably more ridiculous on two wages to be honest, imagine a household where 2 people work and they have 4 kids? 😱

This is ludicrous.

You want a ridiculous amount of children while at the same time complaining about his interactions with the ones you currently have? Wanting him to ‘step up’ and planning to add to this family is the height of selfishness and stupidity. You don’t need any more children. You need to do better with the ones you have. If you want all these kids, you’ll be doing everything for them, and he’ll be endlessly slaving away to pay for them all.

Why do people complicate their lives so needlessly and make bad situations worse?