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Original poster

Husband advice

83 replies

OneRoseWriter · 15/11/2025 06:52

Sorry, long post!
Okay, so I'm a stay at home mum of 3, all 5 and under and currently trying for our 4th that we both really want. My husband and I both have agreed that having them closer in age is what we want, so no problem there. However, I'm keen on having about 6 kids, but my husband thinks 4 is plenty. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I do the majority of housework, parenting, discipline and pretty much everything else. He's a great husband and dad when he sets his mind to it, but he does struggle to be motivated/ engaged with both the kids and I, and I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything. He doesn't really play with the kids, and is quite strict (think that's from his childhood) and it feels like often daily tasks are a burden. How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging? As both of those things aren't helpful but he also shuts down pretty quick if he feels attacked. I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work, and he often complains about being tired etc, when I'm doing a lot worse on the sleep front. And I try really hard to stay positive and not complain, and I absolutely love being a mum too, so it's easier than not. He works hard, but it's an office job with 3 days of 5 in his home office, so mentally tiring but not too draining. I'm wondering if he may have a mental health issue such as depression, he's not very healthy but again, unmotivated. Sometimes I feel like he's a completely different person than who I married, but after 7 years and 3 kids, maybe he is! Just don't know what to do tbh. I do really love him and want this to work, just at a bit of a loss, because how much should you have to tell a grown man before they're just another child you're parenting?

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 15/11/2025 15:30

He won't change and magically become wonder dad and wonder husband. The workload will only increase with more children. Understand your situation before making decisions to only increase the workload which will be yours alone to handle.

DaisyChain505 · 15/11/2025 15:37

I don’t think you should be adding more children to this situation.

RainbowBagels · 15/11/2025 15:42

What does he do that suddenly turns him into a ' great husband and dad when he puts his mind to it'? Does he simply engage with the children? Because that's not a ' great dad' that's just an ordinary parent. Its the bare minimum and c will result in the children playing up our against each other vying for his limited attention. He clearly doesnt want 6 kids. Its questionable if he even really wants 4. He's paying for it all, it sounds like he's strict because its the only way he thinks he can deal with loads of kids ( hes right- 6 children will need to be raised pretty strictly to avoid it being utter chaos) You may as well accept that if you want a large family with this man you will pretty much be doing it on your own while he's basically a sperm donor and cashpoint. And what do you mean by ' he's not very healthy'? Its it something that could lead to him not being able to work in the future? This doesn't seem a great situation to be bringing 6 kids into tbh.

fireandlightening · 15/11/2025 15:43

If he is checking out of parenting the kids you have, I doubt he wants more. Maybe you should draw some conclusions from that instead of adding more kids to the mix, and worrying that he won't step up (that he won't step up seems inevitable!).

whistlesandbells · 15/11/2025 15:44

Sorry, I think it is perfectly reasonable to not want 6 children when you have 3 and you’re trying for a fourth! You have agreed to this and put yourself in this position by marrying someone who doesn’t pull his weight - why have more? And yes, having all these children is a guaranteed life of drudgery for women most of the time - even with a partner who “helps out”.

Total madness to want even more children and then to keep looking at your DH and think he is all of the problem.

chickennoodledoodle · 15/11/2025 15:46

I have to agree with everyone else. Why on earth would you have more children with a man who isn’t engaging with the ones he’s got already? Or “struggles” to engage with them? Think you’ve got rose tinted glasses on tbh. I’m sorry but I really do. I appreciate he’s working to support you all but equally you’re working too. If you weren’t doing the majority of the house/childcare stuff he wouldn’t be able to work like he’s does. I would absolutely expect him to help out more tbh. As someone else also said. Maybe you’re happy with this arrangement & I think that’s totally fine. The thing that concerns me most throughout all this though is his lack of interaction with his kids. Does he do bedtime with any of the 3? Does he help bath any of his kids? Does he take them out? To give you a break? These are just some of the things that create bonds & strengthen relationships. Personally I’d be very concerned if he wasn’t doing any of this and don’t get me started on the day-to-day practicalities of raising 3 under 5.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2025 15:51

Sorry but you would be mad to have double the amount of kids you have now with a bloke who has already checked out.

He doesn’t want the ones he’s already got so why would he come around to having another three?

Tryingtobedifferent · 15/11/2025 16:19

I wouldn't even consider a 4th child to be honest. You're clearly not happy in your relationship and I can't see how that's going to change, why add another child into that environment?

Jeska7 · 15/11/2025 17:16

Don’t have more children with him.

He’s not going to suddenly improve. Things will get worse. You will resent him more for not helping. He will resent you more for nagging.

He’s not a good husband or dad. If he was, he would be sharing the load equally. By that I mean if he works in his job 9am-5pm Mondays to Fridays (whilst you do housework / childcare over this time) then you both should be taking an equal role in housework and childcare including fun activities between 5pm and 9am Monday to Friday (or say between 6pm and 8am on days he goes into the office) and equal housework and childcare on the weekends.

PandaEyes56 · 15/11/2025 17:28

Just take it one kid at a time....don't make plans for the future when you don't know what the future holds. I would also have liked more kids, but after 3 easy pregnancies, we had two miscarriages and a baby who almost died at birth and wasn't expected to survive. After all that trauma, I decided not to try again and we stopped at 4. Not trying to discourage you or say my experience will be yours, just saying more kids is hypothetical at this point, so see how it goes.

As far as more help/more involvement with current kids goes, ask you husband. Be specific...."Can you do the dishes while I put the baby to bed?" It might not occur to him to help as much as you'd like, but he should be willing to help if you ask. Discuss ways he can be building a better relationship with the other kids too - don't go in all accusatory, but gentle - but if he loves his kids he will listen to your concerns. He's your husband, you're both adults. You should be able to discuss these things.

Bringemout · 15/11/2025 17:31

Why do you want a 4th if you are finding it hard now?

TamarindCottage · 15/11/2025 17:58

OneRoseWriter · 15/11/2025 06:52

Sorry, long post!
Okay, so I'm a stay at home mum of 3, all 5 and under and currently trying for our 4th that we both really want. My husband and I both have agreed that having them closer in age is what we want, so no problem there. However, I'm keen on having about 6 kids, but my husband thinks 4 is plenty. The thing I struggle with is the fact that I do the majority of housework, parenting, discipline and pretty much everything else. He's a great husband and dad when he sets his mind to it, but he does struggle to be motivated/ engaged with both the kids and I, and I'm starting to feel like it's always going to be me doing everything. He doesn't really play with the kids, and is quite strict (think that's from his childhood) and it feels like often daily tasks are a burden. How do I help him step up without it seeming as though I'm criticizing or nagging? As both of those things aren't helpful but he also shuts down pretty quick if he feels attacked. I also don't know why he gets to feel like more than 4 is too many when I'm doing all the work, and he often complains about being tired etc, when I'm doing a lot worse on the sleep front. And I try really hard to stay positive and not complain, and I absolutely love being a mum too, so it's easier than not. He works hard, but it's an office job with 3 days of 5 in his home office, so mentally tiring but not too draining. I'm wondering if he may have a mental health issue such as depression, he's not very healthy but again, unmotivated. Sometimes I feel like he's a completely different person than who I married, but after 7 years and 3 kids, maybe he is! Just don't know what to do tbh. I do really love him and want this to work, just at a bit of a loss, because how much should you have to tell a grown man before they're just another child you're parenting?

I think you’re nuts trying for a fourth child let alone six, when you’ll be the doing the bulk of parenting. Don’t do it!

Aethelred · 15/11/2025 18:38

I don't think anybody should be pushed into having children they don't want, whether they are the mother or the father.

Hankunamatata · 15/11/2025 18:40

He isn't going to change. Stick with the 4 you have (or will have)

NorthernMam20 · 15/11/2025 18:43

What example are you setting tho for 6 kids?! You’re setting yourself up for double the stress on your own. The kids need a better example than a frazzled mother and a father who can’t be arsed with them. Honestly I think you should have kids with someone else if it’s what you really want. It’s not fair on him either.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/11/2025 19:17

I assume that your DH must earn an absolute fortune if you are planning to have six kids. Being the sole earner for such a large number of children would be pretty stressful.

Is he on board with your plan to have three more children? You'll need a massive house and you wouldn't be in a position to work and contribute financially for a very long time. If he isn't a particularly hands-on dad for three children, you would be kidding yourself if you think he will be better with double the amount of kids you have at the moment.

Jopo12 · 15/11/2025 19:18

Me must be a millionaire if he's the sole earner and you're planning 6 kids. If so, get a nanny, you can afford it.
If not, just stop. No one's needs 4,5 or 6 kids. 3 is plenty

Whatatodo79 · 15/11/2025 19:23

Ridiculous amount of children on one wage (or at all).

GinaDavva · 15/11/2025 19:30

We’d all like to have 6 kids but in the real world it’s just not affordable. Does his job facilitate supporting so many children?

sunshine244 · 15/11/2025 19:49

Having kids is often totally different from what people imagine. I've got several friends that wanted more than one kid but stopped after their first because it was much harder than they expected, or due to medical or fertility issues.

We agreed on two before having kids. I really wanted a third but my now ex didn't. I was gutted at the time but now looking back on it I realise it was my hormones over logic. I'm glad we didn't have a third even though I sometimes wonder what they would have been like. I'm now a single parent to two kids with autism (diagnosed after school age so wasn't a factor when cinsidering a third) and I would really have struggled with three.

GeorgeEdwardsMum · 15/11/2025 20:17

HRTFT. He's shown you who he is, why do you not believe him?

Plus, why 4 or 6 when you are moaning about your workload? I'm the child of a large family. DM never worked outside the home so DF had to work long hours seven days a week to support us.

If it hadn't been for the parentification of my elder siblings, I absolutely would have had a neglectful childhood. We still missed out emotionally, physically and financially and that only became more and more noticeable when looking at the way friends lived as we got older.

There weren't enough hours in a day to be supportive parents. We were never smacked, or abused in any way. My parents were not bad people. We simply didn't seem to exist as individuals. Apart from myself (I have 3DC, but there's a twelve and a half year gap between 1&3 and DH is very hands-on), my siblings are childfree (aged 40 plus) or have only children, which I think in itself is quite telling.

Yes, I'm probably projecting but just cooking, washing, shopping, bills, cleaning, etc. took most of DM's time. Imagine reading with us all each day, several extra-curricular activities and even one on one time. It never happened.

I could go on and on and on...

MissRaspberry · 15/11/2025 20:37

I've had 5 and believe me as much as I don't regret having them I honestly wish I'd been in a better situation. I became a single parent to all of them when my marriage broke down. My ex husband worked a bare minimum of 24 hours a week and he started to leave all the parenting to me whilst I was out of work. I was looking for work but he made it near on impossible for me to even have job interviews as he checked out of parenting and wouldn't look after them even for me to have job interviews so there was no way I could rely on him to actually help with childcare if I were to work and financially contribute to the household. He even said he would quit his job once I found employment but that i would have to use paid childcare as he "wanted a break for once". Hence one of many reasons that he is an ex. I now work full time and use breakfast and after school clubs for my primary aged child in order for me to work rather than rely on benefits. Kind of went a bit off topic but honestly if hubby isn't going to do much parenting with the three kids you already have why would you think he's going to do anything different with a few more added to your family?

jbm16 · 15/11/2025 20:50

Yet another posting making it a competition who has it harder, I'm a SAHM but appreciate that work is still tiring and stressful, some people cope better with sleep than others.

There are far more factors involved in having more children, increased cost, bigger car, holidays etc. I don't people should bring children into this world unless both parents are in agreement.

missmollygreen · 15/11/2025 20:54

Worldwidewebb · 15/11/2025 15:14

Are you doing all the work? It sounds like he's paying all the bills. Does that not count?

This!
Providing for a family of 5 in not an easy task! let alone a family of 6.. or 8!
That is a serious amount of pressure.

Moontwigdotcom · 15/11/2025 21:05

(If this post is real)
I think you need to be adult about this and stop trying for more children when one half of your partnership is telling you that they feel what you have is more than enough.

you don’t feel he’s pulling his weight, you feel you do all the work… so why make more work. Maybe he envisages that life should have more downtime outside of work than just nappies and childcare. Maybe he has some other aspirations, maybe it feels a lot funding the lifestyle you have chosen maybe he is worried about what would happen if one of you became ill or he lost his job or God forbid you had a poorly child in the mix. you need to communicate about this properly.