Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

[Mum2HC]

Married 11 years
have 3 children under 8
husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)
i own a company (3 staff) and wfh around the youngest who will start pre school in 1 year.
never used nursery have always waited till kids were 3 to send to preschool a few mornings a week building up to more hours. I am feeling quite burnt out at the moment but do have very happy moments still.

I feel really irritable at the moment, kids feel hard work, work can be hard, nothing major but feel like my poor husband takes the brunt!
kids sleep well, I earn good money, on the outside we have the perfect life!
Husband tries his best with house work and is a great dad but I can’t help but bicker with him. Nothing he does is good enough (even though it should be!)

my parents argued a lot growing up, don’t know if this is relevant! Help me be a nicer wife please! I try and take deep breaths etc but as soon as the kids start kicking off I just get annoyed and blame my husband 🙉

I think the obvious answer here is that you're trying to WFH and look after a two year old at the same time - unless I've read it wrong. Put the 2yo in nursery and a lot of this will feel easier.

Sorry, I should have explained. I work when she naps and then on an evening after the kids are in bed! So would only pick up urgent stuff randomly at times she is awake. Normally we would be at a class, Playgroup etc in the morning.

…husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)

Thats nice. So you resent your DH for not being successful like you by oh I don’t know not having his own company like you do and you manifest it by constantly being an arse to him. Basically your problem is you think you are better than him.

Sure, but you're burning yourself out by looking after a two year old all day and then working in the evening. When do you get rest/downtime?

I think you need a holiday, even if it's just a weekend away.

Unbelievably harsh and uncalled for!

You can help it, you’re making a choice to be horrible to him. So make a choice to stop. Write a list of his good qualities, what he adds to your life and your children’s lives. Remember why you married him and had children with him.

Every night/day/whatever regular committed time you choose write down three things you like/love/appreciate about your husband. (This works for me).

And drop your standards - it's his home too. Why does everything have to be done to your standards? (This works for DH - his standards are ridiculously high).

And finally, remember how horrible having bickering parents was for you as a kid, and bite your tongue for their sake. (Me - I just wished they'd split up so I could have some peace and calm)

Absolutely this. You are bickering because you are shattered, and also because I’m guessing if you work most evenings you don’t have any time to just sit and chat with your DH over a cup of tea or glass of wine once the kids are in bed. You probably feel you are being an amazing super women getting it all done and in one sense you absolutely are, but it’s very easy to neglect a marriage and distance then grows.

I agree with PP that I’d put your child in nursery for a bit longer and try to cut down on the evening working, and use that time to just have some chill out time with your DH, and for yourself, to recharge and re set your sense of humour and remind yourselves why you chose to spend a life with each other in the first place. That’s not an indulgence away from your hard working life as a working mum, it’s an absolutely crucial investment in your marriage and therefore in your long term happiness.

Sounds kind you are doing a lot and could use a break.
You have a small child all day, work during naps and evenings, presumably do a share of household work too. Possibly some unconscious resentment that dh gets more free time or is out of the house during work days (no judgement, I felt that when I was on mat leave and had a non-sleeper baby).

also, often we take our emotions out on the person closest to us. I know for me it’s my dh, I get annoyed by everything he does if I’m feeling stressed or burned out (even his breathing makes me see red!)

That’s the problem you have no down time. You need some time to exercise, see friends, hobby or just stare at the wall in silence.

This sounds amazing, but we haven’t even had a date night in about four years so a weekend away sounds crazy!!
The more I am writing down , it’s becoming obvious that I think we may be just need to prioritise our relationship a bit rather than the kids! It’s just hard with childcare on offer as not near grandparents (we see regularly but more day trips) and I don’t like the idea of a babysitter we don’t know or trust!!

Don’t know why but this made me cry! I do need to prioritise him more as he is such a lovely lovely person (yes obviously he has his issues but who doesn’t)

Sounds 100% like what I am doing!! He’s taking the brunt of my emotions and it’s not fair on the whole family

But whatever you're doing isn't working for you at the moment, if you feel burnt out and irritable. You seem to have no down time, no time to be alone, to exercise, zone out, pursue your own passions. I mean, no wonder you're not the easiest to be around. Prioritise yourself. Get some childcare.

Exercise changed my life in terms of reducing anger / irritability. I non-negotiably lift weights twice a week for an hour each session and the correlation between reduction in arguments is huge.

DP supports this, we agree that the cost of my gym is a very much warranted expense because it essentially buys harmony at home. It takes all my irritations away.

Also we have a loose rule where we never discuss anything "serious" in the evenings when we are tired (e.g. money issues / important plans etc). Rather we have a phone call about admin in the mornings when we've both slept and are in a good mood. Evenings are for unwinding.

I am very lucky that I get to play sport two nights a week after the kids are down, my husbands play 3 of the other nights so we don’t see each other apart from watching a series in bed before going to sleep!

This is great advice, thank you.
I try and discuss things with him whilst doing the kids tea/bedtime and it’s a disaster which now I’ve written it down is understandable!!

To add, the two nights I play sports, I am like a completely different person when I come back! Just completely refreshed and calm. But unfortunately, I can’t give up my job and play sports full-time 😂

I agree with the poster who said you're doing too much. You're doing two jobs - looking after a 2 year old and then working in nap time and evening. That sounds miserable and unsustainable.

I think you should either -

• put the 2 year old in nursery more. It doesn't have to be full time. They're old enough now theyll get something out of it, it's not like they're 9 months old and doing 8-6 5 days a week
• if you're the main breadwinner, your husband drops some hours at work and looks after the toddler so you can work and then enjoy some down time

Helpful, thank you. He earns decent money but yes, I am the breadwinner. We have discussed option 2 or potentially a Nanny one morning a week but I feel bad on my youngest as I didn’t do this with the other 2. However, my work was slightly less then. I guess I’m wondering if I can cope for another year doing what I’m doing. I like the idea of writing down all the positive things about him so I don’t take my stress out on him for no reason.

This will sound silly, but you just need to decide to stop bickering.

It’s habit forming and it spirals. You snap at him, he snaps at you, you either fight or ignore each other and everyone ends up feeling miserable.

Have a conversation with your DH. Say you are feeling burnt out and want to start prioritising your relationship as husband and wife not just as co parents.

You (both) need to make a deliberate choice to speak nicely to each other (even when you are tired/annoyed/grumpy).

However my observation is, that when even jist one of us makes an effort to be actively nice to the other one, the other person moves to do the same.

Remember as well, you and your DH are modelling to your children what’s “acceptable” behaviour in relationships. What you teach them will impact their future relationships.

I love the PP comment about resetting sense of humour! It’s really important.

I listened to most of the audiobook of “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” and it really made me aware of how much the things that make us ragey and snappish are down to what we’ve imbibed as kids. Now when I want to custard pie my husband in the face I think hang on - why does this one thing get to me so much? Is it because this issue (eg laundry) was a huge bone of contention with my parents? Or has he actually done something wrong?

Also do yourself a well-being check - have you eaten something, drunk some water, been outside, spoken to other adults? If no to any of these you’re probably just feeling shit and it’s not as bad as it seems.

I really do try and wake up every day and think I’m going to be a nicer person but I just can’t help it sometimes, especially the week before my period. Every day I think and say to my husband, we are not doing our best to model a healthy marriage. I’ve said to him we need to hug each other in front of the kids every day, even if we don’t want to!

Babysitting - what about swapping babysitting with a friend who has kids? She comes round to watch yours one night and you watch hers another. Or think whether your friends, neighbours or staff have any spare teenage girls around who might be up for it. They don’t have to be strangers.