Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

[Mum2HC]

Married 11 years
have 3 children under 8
husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)
i own a company (3 staff) and wfh around the youngest who will start pre school in 1 year.
never used nursery have always waited till kids were 3 to send to preschool a few mornings a week building up to more hours. I am feeling quite burnt out at the moment but do have very happy moments still.

I feel really irritable at the moment, kids feel hard work, work can be hard, nothing major but feel like my poor husband takes the brunt!
kids sleep well, I earn good money, on the outside we have the perfect life!
Husband tries his best with house work and is a great dad but I can’t help but bicker with him. Nothing he does is good enough (even though it should be!)

my parents argued a lot growing up, don’t know if this is relevant! Help me be a nicer wife please! I try and take deep breaths etc but as soon as the kids start kicking off I just get annoyed and blame my husband 🙉

I had four kids close together in age, was a SAHM and was lucky enough to have a cleaner and I still felt my husband and I needed regular time on our own. We went out one evening a week regardless of whether we had arranged something or not. Sometimes we would just go for a stroll and hang out in a coffee shop. I think it was really important for us. We had fun together and got to have long conversations about things. The rest of our lives evolved around the 4 kids.

How does your husband respond to your irritability? If I were him I would hate it and I would hate it even more if you ever did it in front of the kids. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with each other and it’s ok to feel cross with each other but there is something particularly unkind to make it obvious to someone you find them irritating without reason.

Are you literally unable to hide your feelings? Might it be worth speaking to a counselor just to try and work out why it is you do it. You might find as your kids get older and as you reach menopause that you find yourself feeling more agitated so you might as well try to address it now. Also, once the kids have left home and you and your husband have retired it really helps if you have a strong relationship. You don’t won’t to be like some of the older bickering couples I know.

You sound like you need a cup of tea. You seem to be reflecting some deep anger issues on the OP

What age are you, OP? Perimenopause symptoms include increased tiredness and irritability.

With respect, only you can help yourself being nicer to your husband.
Yes, life can be hard. But if he triggers you that much, I think you would still bicker with him even if everything was rosy.

He leaves at 8 and gets back about 6. Then 3 nights he leaves at 6:45 for his sport/gym so those days im in bed when he gets back!

35

God those older couples who either make constant resentful digs at each other to the cringing embarrassment of others or sit in stony silence like strangers (no longer even having the energy or bother to bicker). No OP you surely don’t want to be one of those couples.

Could dh cut out one of his sports evenings?

Definitely not aiming to be one of those couples!

He absolutely loves his sport and it makes him a better person so would feel bad asking him to do that

I agree with the other posters that you are not getting enough downtime.

I also have to wonder if you're feeling burnt out with the mental load. YOu say he's a lovely dad, but, for example, if you're trying to work on a project and he gets home from work, can you rely on him to adequately sort things out? Cook dinner, get kids bathed etc? If the answer is no, not without a) micro managing or b) accepting that it will be done badly, then that might also be part of the problem.

The final piece is age. How old are you? Becuase if you're in the early stages of peri menopause, a lot of normal irritations and frustrations that are 100% reasonable and justified.... become much more difficult to cope with. So I used to think to myself (after I'd calmed down), "I had every right to be pissed with DH about XXX, but man, was it really necessary to be THAT pissed". HRT has helped enormously!

@Mum2HC you are being far too hard on yourself.

Your situation is unsustainable. You can't work and take care of children. I appreciate you say you aren't doing that, as you only work when you 2 yo naps and in the evenings. But the mental load, and all the juggling, is exhausting, it's not the hours themselves.

The first answer is to get proper childcare for set hours, and you work those hours. Possibly some time at weekends as I know you are SE.

For the remaining hours, you need to delegate the work, or take someone on who can cover your hours that you aren't in work.

You then need to examine why you are snapping / bickering - you sound lovely and that you want a happy relationship with your DH, so it is likely to be linked to being worn out with the aforementioned juggle, and that ultimately, you are juggling more than him. That will lead to feelings of resentment and from there, the snapping.

Making time to talk properly and share the mental load, as well as do something for yourselves as a couple, is important; but I wouldn't agree with the posters telling you to 'just be nicer'. There's a reason for why you are feeling they way you are, and it is valid. 💐

Your username depicts you perfectly. Your reply has badly misjudged the tone of the OP’s statement about her husband’s job - nowhere in this post does she imply she’s better than he is; absolutely nowhere. Guessing the analysing of emotional perception ain’t your thing.

No I guess he would never do bedtime/tea on his own if I’m around. He would always say he needs help and I can work later

I and 35

You need to rember that you and DH are a couple, who love one another.

Stop sniping at him, and take it back to basics.

No I guess he would never do bedtime/tea on his own if I’m around. He would always say he needs help and I can work later

Well there we go! That is nuts OP. Why should you have to work later? It is not sustainable for you to be looking after small DC, including bedtime, and then turning around to do your work late in the evening.

Yes - and her DH needs to remember he is equally responsible for the mental load and caring for DC and then fitting an important job around that with no proper childcare is not fair or equable.

(I had to do something like this for a period - I took on a job when my second DC was a few weeks' old - I'd been made redundant during pregnancy, my (now ex)H was unreliable and pretty useless, so when I got the chance of a lecturing job, I had to take it and somehow make it work. All my prep time was done around his naps, it was doable but exhausting).

I don't think @notmyreality was being harsh and I don't think it's uncalled for. There is a chance that they hit the nail on the head and if it's brought to the attention of OP, OP can reflect and make changes so she can be nicer to her husband.

This

I’m wondering if he’s actually not that great a team player even though you’re trying to convince yourself he is… I don’t think your post is deep enough / honest enough to say but if you genuinely feel he’s not doing enough you need to think hard about that. I get the impression you’re just trying to brush that under the carpet and pretend really it’s fine. Is it though???

Just agreeing you are spreading yourself way too thinly ?

If you get a nanny a couple of mornings a week, they can take your 2yr old to the classes or whatever, you could have one morning to do your work and free your evening up, and one morning just for yourself, recharge your batteries.

Also try and make an effort to do stuff with your husband, doesn't need to be a whole performance of getting dressed up every time, can be low key, low effort but just hanging out together.

I think if you managed both of these the bickering would just stop naturally as you would be recharged and remember why you like each other

He could definitely do more but I’m guessing that’s like most husbands? If I mention something like a new job in the house to him he will do it for a few days then forget I asked him!

i really feel the issue is with me and not him but really appreciate the helpful points and will try and not work and just hang out some evenings.

Thank you!

Havung a date night is more important than being precious about baby sitters, just use an agency

Date nights aren’t going to fix this. He’s not listening to you and giving you what you need which is a bit of a break. This is how resentment builds.

This is the crux of it then. Of.course you are snappy and irritable. You are the main breadwinner but have to fit work in around doing all the house hold tasks.

My aunt blamed everything on her periods and hormones or the lead up to her period.
Her husband took some crap from her she wore the man down, After 14 year he had enough he asked for a divorce.
27 year on hes remarried and very happy my aunt is going through her 3rd divorced same issues as the first and the second marriage.
Family gave up with her.

Sorry but it's absolutely mad that you out earn him so much and yet are doing your work in naptime and evenings!

If you are determined not to use nursery - which I find weird but each to their own - wouldn't it make a lot more sense for your DH to be part time instead of you? At the very least get a babysitter in if that would make you more comfortable than nursery