Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

[Mum2HC]

Married 11 years
have 3 children under 8
husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)
i own a company (3 staff) and wfh around the youngest who will start pre school in 1 year.
never used nursery have always waited till kids were 3 to send to preschool a few mornings a week building up to more hours. I am feeling quite burnt out at the moment but do have very happy moments still.

I feel really irritable at the moment, kids feel hard work, work can be hard, nothing major but feel like my poor husband takes the brunt!
kids sleep well, I earn good money, on the outside we have the perfect life!
Husband tries his best with house work and is a great dad but I can’t help but bicker with him. Nothing he does is good enough (even though it should be!)

my parents argued a lot growing up, don’t know if this is relevant! Help me be a nicer wife please! I try and take deep breaths etc but as soon as the kids start kicking off I just get annoyed and blame my husband 🙉

Don't think you are too young . I was very surprised when I had ( a natural ) menopause by 38/39 so probably peri at your age .

I dont think youre going to get a Nanny for just 1 day a week. I would suggest your DH goes part time for at least the year and whilst hes at home with toddler - get out of the house and go to a workplace! Do not sit and WFH listening in to your DH parenting in the next room. Then when you're home, have a home life together.

Also tell him you are sorry? Tell him that you know youre doing this but are finding life hard and hes taking the brunt of it. Tell him you are trying and that you think he is wonderful and you love him. I think hearing you be accountable to your actions will make the difference.

Finally, you need to invest time into your relationship - i know you're sacrificing that for the kids at the moment, but ultimately you don't want to break things beyond repair and end up divorcing. Happy parents usually equal happy children! I know mum guilts real, but your toddler will suffer more from having spilt up parents than having 3 full days at nursery - which he wont even really remember when they're past the age of 7.

Also if you haven't already - get a cleaner, gardener and anything else you can afford to get to outsource the shit jobs that bring more tension/resentment into the home.

Another thing DP and I do is instead of evening date nights which involve quite a bit of prep / getting babysitters / tidying up for said babysitter, putting make up on, yawning at the table while you're out as you're both knackered etc etc, we have started having a lunch date on a school day. We both are lucky in that we have quite flexible jobs so like once every three months we both have an afternoon off and meet up for a nice lunch. I have really enjoyed it.

We do go out of an evening sometimes, maybe three times a year or something, but I prefer the day time dates!

That is a bit outrageous? Why would he need help? He sounds a bit useless

Do you ever go away for the weekend? This sounds like a good thing to start

You feel bad that you didn't have a nanny (or nursery for your other dc). But maybe wonder whether it would be better for for your youngest to have some external care AND a less stressed Mum, the balance might be worth it.

@karmakameleon
”Date nights aren't going to fix this. He's not listening to you and giving you what you need which is a bit of a break. This is how resentment buildsl”

It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation though. If my husband was being ‘really irritable’ to me all the time I wouldn’t be that fussed about listening to them and giving them a break. She says in her OP that nothing he does is good enough even though it should be so it’s hardly surprising he is out three evenings a week.

However my observation is, that when even jist one of us makes an effort to be actively nice to the other one, the other person moves to do the same.

I agree with this. When I am feeling less loving and kind towards dh, when I find myself rolling my eyes at his very minor discretions, or when I feel an emotional distance between us, I deploy what I call (in my head) my 'deliberate love strategy'.

It is (without the emotion) deliberately planning to do small things that I know he would like: buying an expensive coffee bean that I know he particularly likes; on something really unusual and pairing all his socks when they come out of the laundry! Nothing big, nothing extravagant, and certainly never all the time! It seems like DOING loving things makes me feel more loving towards him.

And it seems to work in a positive cycle with dh then feeling more loving towards me, doing things that he knows I like.

But a word of cauting, this would be a terrible strategy in an abusive relationship.

So if your husband was run into the ground looking after a toddler all day and working all night, would you:

(a) try to take something of their plate (eg cook dinner and put the kids to bed) so that they could finish work at a decent time

or

(b) insist that they they cook dinner and put the kids to bed so you didn’t have to do it on your own.

And if you think (b) would you really expect him to be sweetness and light and not grumble, especially if they’ve been doing this not just today, not just this week but for months or years on end?

You need more downtime and so on, but I'm just wondering if things have got much harder than they used to be or if you are more tired. Is your work busier or is it the fact you have 3 DC now, are you more stressed, when was the last time you had bloods checked?

Hormones start to drop at 35, it could easily be the start of peri, plus being more tired for other reasons.

Does he do as much as he always did?

Another poster posted about needing a break earlier, sounds like something you could use. Plenty of suggestions on the thread, if I find it I'll pop it here for you.

@Mum2HC Sounds like you have had more children than you can cope with.

Constant bickering is abusive behaviour. Be careful you do not wake up one day a single mother.

it's too much. That isn't a routine, it's exhausting. Get her into nursery, focus on your work in reasonable times to be awake and working, rather than snatching at work opportunities and wearing yourself out. This isn't fair on anyone.

It's a mix of learned behaviour, stress, young children, at least you are aware of it.
My father was a highly strung angry man, at times I feel like a bit of it is inside me, I keep it buried most of the time.

I feel your pain, but do stop with the punishing of husband as I know a few fed up husbands who go. Its stress and pressure for you, and this causes problems. Is there anyway you couid employ a cleaner, giving someone a job, or cut down until children leave school. I know its all hard but a lot going through it. Good luck you sound like you are lucky and have a wonderful family

Sorry but the answer to your husband job is completely wrong he is working and you say that.

Sorry you lost me.

Could be nothing but how old are you? The reason I ask is I'm wondering if you might be in perimenopause? Yes there are a lot of life circumstances here to think about but my oldest is 14 and my youngest 11 and I'm going through the ringer at 44... Wondered whether it might be the same here, just to rule it out.

Sorry just saw another post asking the same question. 35 does hit the beginning of peri, it shows up ten to fifteen years before full blown menopause, that's why I ask. Apologies. 😊

Put the 2 year old nursery so you can work properly in the day and spend time with DH in the evenings when you aren’t burnt out

If you're a bit unsure about nursery, have you considered seeing if you can employ someone to come help look after your child with you at home whilst you work in another room? We've done this a bit over the years with our three children as I'm self employed and my husband works away a lot.
The juggle can be hard!

You need Jesus