Help me be nicer to my Husband!!

[Mum2HC]

Married 11 years
have 3 children under 8
husband works full time (not an amazing job but fine!)
i own a company (3 staff) and wfh around the youngest who will start pre school in 1 year.
never used nursery have always waited till kids were 3 to send to preschool a few mornings a week building up to more hours. I am feeling quite burnt out at the moment but do have very happy moments still.

I feel really irritable at the moment, kids feel hard work, work can be hard, nothing major but feel like my poor husband takes the brunt!
kids sleep well, I earn good money, on the outside we have the perfect life!
Husband tries his best with house work and is a great dad but I can’t help but bicker with him. Nothing he does is good enough (even though it should be!)

my parents argued a lot growing up, don’t know if this is relevant! Help me be a nicer wife please! I try and take deep breaths etc but as soon as the kids start kicking off I just get annoyed and blame my husband 🙉

The days we laugh about the chaos are the best days for sure. I just wish more days were like this. I know it’s just a bad patch and we’ll get through it, but hopefully I can take some pointers and make it easier for everyone as a lot of it is down to me, even though I blame my husband

Some of my friends have offered this but if I am honest, the thought of getting dressed and going out on an evening meal is just exhausting but I know I need to do it as I always have the energy to go to my sport so can’t make excuses

You CAN help it, that’s the point. It’s difficult but it’s not impossible.

What do we teach our kids about behaving well even when they don’t feel like it?

Is your marriage worth the effort? I bet it is.

just because your two eldest children were at home til 3 it doesn’t mean your third child must have the same - going to a nursery, childminder or nanny isn’t a punishment. Esp at 2 it is a great chance to learn from other kids and pick up social skills.

I think my kids have better self-control than me some days. I know I need to do better, I’m really going to try my hardest not to be irritated by everything

I absolutely feel this in my soul 😅

but when you do go out, it is worth it. You could just go to the cinema in jeans and a hoodie and share some ice cream.

It doesn’t matter it’s too much. And that’s why you are burnt out. Working and looking after a child is hard work. Looking after a toddler is hard work.

and any down time is filled with more work. Of course you’re burnt out. Something has to give. Even if it’s just one or two days of childcare so you can focus and get some actual down time.

do you ever get time alone that isn’t sleep or chores. You don’t even get the quiet of a commute. You home is your work place and your parenting place.
It’s not sustainable, make a change

schedule in some time for yourself weekly, no contact. Go to a class or a massage or walk. Something where there is little to no stimulation.

you need to spend time where you are not “doing” or using your executive function

Sending unMumsnetty hugs.

It’s really hard. I remember being in the trenches with small kids and a full time job.

But I’m now at an age where I’m seeing friends’ marriages break down after their kids leave home because they didn't prioritise each other.

My DH and I are still best friends, but we’ve worked really hard on it. Think of it as an investment for the future

Well, maybe he should drop a night and you get a babysitter and actually talk to one another?

You have some weird, entrenched ideas about childcare, as though it's some kind of necessary evil. DS was in FT childcare from the moment I went back after maternity leave, but I don't think it was any worse for him than it would have been having an exhausted, strung out mother who was perennially irritated by his father.

OP I can relate to this so much. When I’m feeling stressed about work or get sensory overload from the kids, I deflect it on to my husband. I think as well if you are someone who tries not to shout at the children this happens even more, displaced anger I think it’s called. ai think the root will be your overwhelm, so try to tackle this first. The try to carve out time to invest in your relationship, ask about each others day or have a laugh. Seeing old friends in a group situation can also help with remembering who you once were as a couple pre kids! good luck, you can sort this!

Thank you. This is my greatest fear and is what happened to my parents when I was a teenager. They both say they should’ve worked harder and stay together as life would’ve been better in the long run.

Would one of your three staff take on some of your responsibility for the next 12 months to lighten your load?

I’m not against childcare. I plan to send my youngest to Pre School at three. It’s just I personally have never wanted to use a nursery as I have been able to do the juggle without too much stress until the last six months. My two-year-old has a lovely life and loves her dad. I am not grumpy to my husband all the time!
I might suggest he has one half day off work a week and see if that is possible

We have a mail out planned in two weeks with a bunch of old friends! I organised it a few weeks ago when I was feeling the same. My Mum is staying and babysitting and as much as I can’t be bothered, I know it will be super fun.

It’s hard, but it’s really worth the effort.

Please just use some childcare. When your other children were that little, you didn't have 3 of them. Stop trying to spread yourself so thin. Doesn't have to be nursery - childminder, babysitter whilst you wfh?

Never thought about it like that! Maybe I do need to try and get a babysitter a few hours a week while I wfh. This would hopefully free up some evenings!

What do you mean by being the breadwinner when he earns decent money? Do you mean you pay all the bills?

Not sure, it might be the root of the problem.

she does say that nothing he ever does is good enough.

it does sound like she resents him.

OP, I agree put the kids in nursery and have more of a work/life balance. Work during the day when they are nursery and spend time with your husband in the evening instead of working.

i think you need to make your mind up if you actually love him and can be nice to him, or if you think you can do better as nothing he ever does is good enough.

Sorry maybe breadwinner is the wrong term? We both work but I earn about 2.5 x as much as him. He would put all his money into the joint account and leave nothing to himself if it was up to him so there is no issue with him being generous

I don’t resent him for his job? His job is perfectly fine!

he tries his best if tidying up etc but it’s never up to my standard - but maybe I need to lower my standards! The whole point of this thread is that I want my marriage to be a success and looking for tips to cope with the overwhelm of family life!

Random acts of kindness , a shoulder / back massage , a cup of tea brought to him , buy his favourite snack for an evening in front of the tv , put the bins out ( or some other him job ) .

Ah thanks, that’s clearer. I can understand you must feel under a lot of strain working and looking after a two year old but please be careful you don’t drive your (seemingly lovely) husband away. It’s good you recognise you are not treating him well but good partners are hard to find, and even the nicest person will only take so much. It’s hard raising a family alone. Good luck, you’re self aware so that’s half the battle.

I would really recommend finding some sort of childcare. It doesn't sound to me like the problem is your relationship or your DH, just that you need some breathing room.
I don't know why you're so anti nursery, but other options are available and your DC wont care that he went slightly earlier than his siblings.

I wouldn’t call that very lucky. I’m been in a similar situation and you just need some time for yourself and as a couple. What hours does DH work? I’m wondering if you could put the youngest in nursey a couple of mornings a week so you two can go for brunch or something else together and spent the others doing something else you enjoy or some work so you can relax during nap time.