To think perhaps my son isn’t autistic but instead modern society is too challenging for him to cope with.

[SpinningTops]

My son is 7 and on the long waiting list for an autism assessment.

Sometimes I wonder whether he would cope absolutely fine if he was an 80s or 90s child. Maybe it’s rose tinted glasses but modern life seems so chaotic and jam packed, so much to learn at school etc.

He’s in a small class at school and seeing the number of children struggling, so many with ‘special jobs’ to just get them into the classroom, makes me think something is wrong with the system rather than all these children being neurodiverse. And this is an absolutely wonderful school which outwardly he says he loves.

It’s just something I’ve been thinking more and more about recently …

I suppose it is on a spectrum.

They have very different definitions schoolavoidance.org/school-avoidance-vs-truancy/

It was truancy for me in the 90s, school refusal for my DD in the 10s. Exactly the same thing, we just didn’t have the right words or level of understanding back then. I was punished, she was listened to. We don’t ask ‘why?’ in the 90s, by the 10s not only do we ask why, but we knew the answer.

I agree. I even saw a toddler in a pushchair engrossed with her tablet the other day. This should have been a good opportunity for her to look at the world around her and chat about it with her mother or fall asleep if she ----was tired. I think these highly coloured screens are over stimulating and making attention spans shorter. There was never a golden age but I do think small children need a slower pace of life. There was a delightful post-war radio programme called Listen with Mother, which was broadcast at 1.45 pm, immediately after Watch with Mother on the TV, which was at 1,30 pm. There is a complete recording of Listen with Mother from 1965 on YouTube - l remember listening to the programmes in the late sixties and early seventies when not at school. There was a song, usually a nursery rhyme, then a story, with the immortal words:”Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.” This was followed by another nursery rhyme and ended with Berceuse from the Dolly Suite by Fauré, which was probably the first piece of classical music most children heard. Listening to the YouTube clip, I was struck not only by the clipped RP accents, but by the way it was taken for granted that even very small children would have the concentration and attention span needed for an unhurried, gentle, softly spoken programme such as this.

I just think modern life in general is just way to much for everybody regardless of NT/ND status. Everything is so full on, instant, in your face. We are way more connected by instant messages and images and videos from all around the world yet I feel we are becoming less connected as humans.

There is just so much stress about having bigger and better and living your 'best life' whilst documenting it all that most of us are forgetting to actually really live at all.

This all filters down to the kids - they must be doing A* at school, whilst also excelling at a music instrument and making a sports team plus doing well at a million other activities. They are also much more aware of things going on in the world than we were at thier age so they also take on that stress whilst not fully understanding it.

Yup. ADHD babies often walk super early. Way before a year old. 8 or 9 months is not uncommon. It's one of the first indicators.

Encyclopedias are constantly coming up in adults who has received later age diagnoses of neurodivergence. It feels way beyond one of those 'we all lived the same life' things (obviously in conjunction with other indicators).

I think there’s some selection bias here in the sense that parents of neuro-diverse children are more likely to choose small, nurturing schools if they possibly can. So those children are likely over represented in your son’s class.

Everyone in my family; my parents, me, my brothers, my son, most of my uncles and aunts and many of my cousins, were proficient walkers well before a year old and running with ease by our first birthdays. It's completely and utterly normal. On the physically advanced end of the scale sure, but still well within the range of normal.

This is what people mean when they talk about over diagnosis. An absolutely normal part of human development being considered a sign of mental disability.

In a more general sense (not just your young son's) I think you have a point, OP.

I often question whether human beings are equipped to cope with the demands of the modern world. Technology and society has evolved extremely fast over the last 30 years but we are still basically the same as when we first started to make tools from bits of flint.

I think the MH crisis (and I'm not one who just blames Covid - I think the causes are much more long-term and profound) is one symptom of this. So many people, and even young people who we're all told are good at coping with the modern world - are just retreating into themselves, or into their sanctuaries, to get away from the stuff coming at them so relentlessly from all directions.

You have to be very strong, and have good strategies and a support network, to survive Western society in 2025.

I know. The point I'm making is that previously it was LABELLED truancy. There wasn't a 'school refusal' label in the 90s. It was just called truancy.

So no, school refusal was a much smaller problem in the 90s. Because the kids were just labelled truant. But no one chased them up anyway.

An absolutely normal part of human development being considered a sign of mental disability.

I agree with you, although I’m not coming from the same perspective.

People are ADHD and Autistic the way some people are left handed. It’s social expectations, prejudices, working conditions, the education system that makes it a disabling experience for many who would thrive in a different environment.

For example, why be labelled weird because you find eye contact difficult, or don’t want to make small talk on your lunch break? Not everyone needs to conform to the expectations set by a neuro-typical majority.

My aunt (who was very strict and shouty and I didn't like) had the entire children's encyclopedia Britannica. Despite finding her abrasive is beg to go there to read facts. I would still love an entire encyclopedia library. I used to buy textbooks of science subjects at the local thrift shop. I was reading gcse biology books in primary school. Incidentally I got full marks in my a level biology 😂 definitely my specialist subject

I think the autistic kids have always been there but coped better with school in the past so their asd was never picked up. Our current school system needs a complete overhaul.

My children were at school in the 90s and I can tell you that classes were very much disrupted by a few children. It was a 3 class village school, 120 - 150 pupils. There were no TAs. There were volunteer mums and grandparents who went in solely to hear reading. Schools were very very reluctant to pursue assessments for behavioural issues because it was seen as a sign the school was unable to "control" these "problem" children. On top of this, parents were very much against having their children labelled in any way. "Oh he's just a bundle of energy", "He's just high spirited", "He doesn't like being to told what to do", "He's unconventional" were all excuses I heard about one child. He was actually a pain in the ass and a major disruption (and a friend of my child so the mayhem was in my house quite often). He was only given the help he really needed when he was in year 9 at secondary school and his behaviour had escalated to real violence and danger to others, such as throwing people down flights of stairs, throwing chairs etc. So the 90s wasn't a safe, cosy time. It was noisy and chaotic too.

I’m not saying they would. I know my child would be a lot harder to manage if he was given unrestricted access to screens. Therefore we restrict these to a gentle level.

But as previous posters say, school is heavily technology based. And the small amount of TV they do watch is probably brighter and more chaotic than what we had when I was a child.

So it’s more that we’re making a conscious effort to keep the environment at home calm to help him to cope better.

This does ring very true with us. The pressure of decision making is huge. The thing is, we do enjoy things like going for a walk at a NT property, or going to a local castle. All extremely gentle days out in nature. But to access these we have to go through a bloody gift shop. We sometimes put a hat over his eyes and carry him through.

So, yes, to a large extent we have massively simplified our lives, we always think will he cope.

But we do have a 2nd child and sometimes like to do family days out.

But it’s an increasing struggle to get him to come for walks etc. He seems to need to recover from school.

Ill have a think about what else we can do.

I think life was often less stressful in many ways for autistic kids in the 80s and 90s, but that doesnt mean they werent autistic.

I got diagnosed age 50 ,I was an 80s child in school
No I didn't cope
It Was an absolute nightmare ...the bullying was utterly horrific back then..
I literally didn't speak ever at school.
But that was ok for the teachers as I was an easy child for them.
I couldn't cope with the noise or smells of school ,and once at secondary I barely went ..no one cared or bothered where I was .. usually shoplifting or hitch hiking in lorrys with men ..also had two suicide attempts during school hours ,that maybe wouldn't of happened if I'd been in school...
Don't miminise autism..it has ruined my life ..
Let your son get the help he needs op x

Why is he on the waiting list to get an assessment?

We all have autistic traits but having multiple traits could indicate autism - so there must be several behaviours that’s he’s displaying that are non typical?

Not autism in my family adhd- dyslexia and dyspraxia (DCD) sensory proceesing issues always there - and it was a reflief to get some diagosnes for me in 20s as had internalised it was me as 80 and 90s schools weren't great.

However my kids are similar to me and I think prior decades would have coped much better and if we'd ahd them later probbaly not cope at all.

We had me home when they were young - watched diets had lost of walking lots of outside lots of downtime and lots of home support lot of routine and scaffolding - if we were starting out now that would be so much harder to do as we'd need two nearly full time wages.

School have since covid also got much worse for the DC - noise lack lots of disruption. Without home support I don't think it possible to catch up like I did - there no space left to do that. On other side it's was much easier to find out how to offer support thanks to internet than it was for my own parents.

So I think many ND conditions always been there but there more and more with them no longer coping with modern life.

It wasn’t easier in the 80s/90s - my AuDHD went completely undiagnosed and my self esteem got battered by teachers constantly telling me that I was intelligent and capable and just letting myself down by rushing and making silly mistakes even though I was trying my best not to. I would get detentions for silly impulsive behaviour and my poor coordination meant I was rubbish at things like sport so never got picked for a team as everything was competitive. I was bullied for my awkwardness, difficulty making eye contact and intense personality.

School refusal also wasn’t a thing back then like it is now - if you refused to go to school you got grounded. There were no SENCOs or nurture groups or amended timetables or sensory rooms.

The difference now is that children having difficulties are recognised much more and not just expected to behave and get on with it. Parents also have the advantage of access to information and support via the internet.

80s/90s neurodivergent kids got resilient and better at masking but at the expense of our confidence and mental health.

He went on at age 4 because I thought his behaviour showed signs. Need for routine e.g. leaving school by same gate, meltdown over having to get in door on road side when normally pavement etc.
Huge meltdowns when out and about.
Constant questions about timings of the day
Loved letters
A speech difference.

He still has this (speech now fine) but everything is much more obvious in term time.

Id say in school holiday he presents as neurotypical. Hence my question.

Didn't mean to go off on one, sure you're doing your best, I just saw so much in common in my own life, as a person and as a parent. It's hard. We control so very little, but we do control some. I also struggle to get my son out the house and he is 13 now, basically it's the threat of no privileges until he has done some exercise, seen the outside world etc! - Wish you all the very best

EDIT - meant to add - nothing about any diagnosis is an excuse or a note to get out of jail free. It's always much more like a map or a guidebook - now you know XYZ, you can approach life in a different way, a way that is more content. So those things can happen now, if your guidebook said "don't go to shiny noises things", you'd change your life to avoid them where possible and when you can't, you'd react differently because you would have different context. You can start that now, without an official note.

Id say in school holiday he presents as neurotypical. Hence my question.

Is that because you adapt to suit him?

I did with my kids - I knew they needed count downs and reminders and one instruction at time repeated back to get things done.

DS did in Y1 and Y2 get teahcers who did 5 minutes end of day this is what will be happening next day with small group of mainly boys and it made it easier for DS to cope. School misses his dire working memory issues and staff frequently got annoyed when he was given 2 or 3 instructions few moments later he'd be lost and confused. Nephew dislikes being touched - so family find other ways to get his attention or warn him prior a touch is coming- school staff keep touch him lightly to get attention or get him in right directions causing melt downs but they keep doing it as do some of the kids now.