Page 14 | To think perhaps my son isn’t autistic but instead modern society is too challenging for him to cope with.

SpinningTops · 2025-11-14T06:54:31+00:00

My son is 7 and on the long waiting list for an autism assessment. Sometimes I wonder whether he would cope absolutely fine if he was an 80s or 90s child. Maybe it’s rose tinted glasses but modern life seems so chaotic and jam packed, so much to learn at school etc. He’s in a small class at school and seeing the number of children struggling, so many with ‘special jobs’ to just get them into the classroom, makes me think something is wrong with the system rather than all these children being neurodiverse. And this is an absolutely wonderful school which outwardly he says he loves. It’s just something I’ve been thinking more and more about recently …

user746016 · 15/11/2025 11:27

Sandp1p3r · 15/11/2025 06:47

I agree to some extent but I think people with adhd fill their brains with other things regardless and did before screens. I’m late 50s andc late diagnosed with autism and ADHD. All my children have both via the NHS and severe mental heath difficulties.

We didn’t even have a tv for most of my time growing up and I was born in the 60s. I wasn’t on screens as I child but my busy brain and day dreaming was out of control. I was hyper focused on my autism special interests too. I was far more disorganised than now. I was dreadful at uni. I’ve learnt techniques and went on an nhs adhd treatment course that has helped somewhat. I’m too scared to have the meds they suggested.

I am trying really hard not to reach for my phone first thing( failed miserably today) and yes it can help with mornings when I’m slightly more chilled and maybe the day( I need to try it out more)but I’m still disorganised- heaps of things I can’t find on the floor, inability to make decisions about what to wear, eat, lost keys, glasses, watch , restless, struggling to focus, fidgeting etc. I was like this before all the way through life pre screens.

I do doom scroll too much to relax ( ironic because I’m not sure it’s relaxation conducive) but would simply fill my time with other special interests,
day dreaming and be late like I did previously without I suspect. I do mean to fully test it though.

I do wonder about the white screen on all day in schools and the impact on MH from doom scrolling. I had MH difficulties but nothing like my dc’s. They have had serious mental illness aand I mean really serious.They are battling through and making progress but I often wonder why my difficulties weren’t as serious. Is it the impact of phones and modern life on their MH that is the difference? I’m not sure kids would get away with the amount of day dreaming I did and I absolutely hate shops, public transport etc now even more than I did before as a child. Is that because everywhere is do much more busy and full on?

I find the discussion interesting but I think it’s important not to fall down the MH abelist incorrect rabbit hole saying ND is over diagnosed and it’s just down to a modern day lack of resilience.

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Im certainly not saying that as someone with two children with ADHD and one with autism. But I do think the screens exacerbate the issues.

FirstCuppa · 15/11/2025 11:27

I have just read OP and found it interesting as I had the exact same thought not long ago. My dd however keeps telling me that is because I mask almost all the time which has led to some physical health issues with my blood pressure and GAD. To be honest I always thought I was "blending in" after being at boarding school (which I think I blamed for not knowing how to be in certain situations, rather than understanding it's possibly just me) and am very emotionally intelligent so it only really dawned on me when I had dd and realised how alike we are. I automatically told her the day's plans, stuck to structured routines (with mess and art just planned), stayed away from super noisy and chaotic places because I found them too much, etc. Even down to her schooling, I knew the grammar wouldn't get the best out of her because she needs a different style of teaching, so I chose a school that it turns out has nearly 30% SEN pupils but gets better results.

We paid for a private test because our local NHS waiting list is 3 years and I don't want dd to have anxiety for life and end up with beta blockers, like I have.

Pricelessadvice · 15/11/2025 11:46

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/11/2025 10:34

Most girls with ADHD do not stick out like a sore thumb because they are often incredibly good at masking, especially if they are very bright. I was at an all girls grammar school in the 1980s. I can’t honestly think of anyone who seemed like they had ADHD. I did. Whenever I tell anyone, they are extremely surprised.

We do know that ADHD is often inherited and there are some prenatal factors (can’t remember what) that increase the likelihood.

We also know that people with ADHD are more vulnerable to excessive screen use because it gives a dopamine hit. ADHD adults typically do a lot of doom scrolling and many of us love computer/phone games.

i would also think that excessive screen use can amplify some typical ADHD traits - poor focus and short attention span. So in that sense you are probably correct to a degree.

i would imagine most parents witb a mixture of ADHD and NT kids will say that with hindsight that the ADHD kid had lots of traits as a baby. For example my DC2 gave up daytime naps at 9 months and still wanted to get up and play at 4am. They also quite obviously had some sensory issues.

if you have ADHD, you are born with it. It is a neurodievelopmental difference. So in summary I can see that excessive screen use might make people mimic some ADHD behaviours or might amplify the traits if they do have ADHD. I do not belief that screen use causes ADHD because it is a brain difference that we are born with.

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Brains aren’t born fully developed, so I don’t believe that all ADHD traits are there from the word go. However, it might be that some are more predisposed to developing ADHD than others.

usedtobeaylis · 15/11/2025 12:44

There is research showing that the genetic components of neurodivergence play a role in brain development in utero, in the same way the genetic components of things like dyslexia do. It influences how the brain develops before birth. These are biological processes, not magic hats.

FirstCuppa · 15/11/2025 13:08

crackofdoom · 14/11/2025 11:56

A brilliant theory has just come to me, which you are all welcome to pick holes in.

Perhaps in the past it was easier to be an autistic boy and more difficult to be an autistic girl

And more difficult to be an ADHD boy but easier to be an ADHD girl?

Reasoning: men were/ are expected to be poor at communications, "emotions" etc, and a lot of accommodations were unconsciously made for them ("don't disturb your father!" etc etc). There were a lot of typically "man" jobs available (engineering, working with figures etc). It was considered completely normal for men to have intense solitary hobbies (Although trainspotters have always been the butt of jokes to be fair!)

Meanwhile women were expected to be the nurturers, the child raisers, the communicators and emotional smoother- overs and the ones making the accommodations. No wonder so many people report their suspected autistic mums as being cold, weird and unhappy during their childhoods. And why so many women are seeking a diagnosis in middle age.

Meanwhile, disruptive boys were getting literally battered (I witnessed my Y5 teacher literally dragging the class troublemaker out of the room by his ear), told they were useless, getting kicked out of school and left to rot as teenage impulsiveness kicked in, getting into trouble and frequently ending up on the prison merry-go-round.

While their female ADHD peers- typically less hyperactive- would coast through, quietly failing, sometimes indulging their impulsive side in risky sexual behaviour as teens, but with a clear future ahead of them as slightly scatty wives and mums.

I'm sure I'm generalising a lot here though.

Yes, I can see this. I would class myself as a scatty mum.
As a kid in an all girls boarding school I was the naughty one in our year, but the most "impulsive" things I did were swinging backwards on my chair (stimming in hindsight) which I would always get shouted at for, doodling to concentrate (shouted at), singing wherever I went because it gave me a dopamine hit (dd also did and gets you weird looks and told off if indoors), was good at sport but never focussed enough to train so put on all teams but in not dependable positions... I have always been messy and lost everything, hated doing homework and usually got detentions for not doing it. Really struggled with coursework because it wasn't structured for me and I wanted to go off on tangents.

However I kept getting 80's in end of year tests and put into the top class, which my teachers couldn't understand as in lessons I was always called out for not paying attention and not doing homework. In boarding I was also always told off for being messy, distracted, running in hallways, talking after lights out etc etc. Ended up smoking and drinking at 14 to try to fit in and generally make me less socially anxious. I went from being super shy and awkward to blurting out inappropriate things and being loud enough for the quick wit to make me a bit more popular. I stuck with that for decades which I see now was part of the masking.

I honestly thought I was just naughty and didn't feel I full understood the rules and what purpose they served, really believed it would have been so different if I had gone to a normal school where in reality I was very lucky it as a small school with supportive teachers (even if they didn't understand me and made me feel stupid, this would have happened everywhere in the early 90's). As a result I really do think the SEN system should be based on the private one with smaller class sizes, teachers with the patience of saints, land to run in, multiple options for courses, set homework times (structure!) but I realise the govt is steadfastly refusing to notice that if SEN parents can afford it they usually go for private options for a reason. Even if that is just that at the end of primary they know their kid isn't focussed enough for a grammar setting. I think your description shows how many kids still go under the radar and often don't get a diagnosis until secondary too.

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/11/2025 13:33

Pricelessadvice · 15/11/2025 11:46

Brains aren’t born fully developed, so I don’t believe that all ADHD traits are there from the word go. However, it might be that some are more predisposed to developing ADHD than others.

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Quite possibly true. No idea. With the benefit of hindsight though, it was obvious that DC2 had ADHD in babyhood.

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/11/2025 14:53

HearMeOutt · 15/11/2025 08:41

I mean is it ‘ignorance’ or is it the fact this fairly nebulous condition seems to have come out of nowhere in the last 5 years alone and frankly all the ‘research’ is quite tenuous and the symptom net is ever widening? Nothing I’ve seen convinces me people have ‘different brains’, whether that’s for gender related issues or this. We seem to be convincing people at the drop of a hat that they are ‘differently wired’ when we have zero evidence of this.

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That’s a bit like telling me that in your opinion the earth is flat. There is a great deal of scientific evidence that ADHD brains are different. Doctors and scientists have been studying it for decades - they know that the structure, activity and chemistry is different. You can read more here:

www.verywellhealth.com/adhd-brain-vs-normal-brain-5210534

FirstCuppa · 15/11/2025 15:10

Slightly more detailed but this was interesting to me as I notice a few people I know (dd and I are typical in that our friends are mostly also ND) seem to be struggling more as they age with symptoms - often being told it is early peri for example, whereas this might suggest we go into hypo from hyper-connected. https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/too-much-or-too-little-brain-synchrony-may-underlie-autism-subtypes/
Tangent, but was interesting for me.

Research image of grids of mouse and human brain scans.

Too much or too little brain synchrony may underlie autism subtypes

Functional connectivity differences in autism mouse models point to two subtypes that correspond to patterns seen in some people with the condition.

https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/too-much-or-too-little-brain-synchrony-may-underlie-autism-subtypes/

Carla786 · 15/11/2025 18:55

HearMeOutt · 15/11/2025 08:41

I mean is it ‘ignorance’ or is it the fact this fairly nebulous condition seems to have come out of nowhere in the last 5 years alone and frankly all the ‘research’ is quite tenuous and the symptom net is ever widening? Nothing I’ve seen convinces me people have ‘different brains’, whether that’s for gender related issues or this. We seem to be convincing people at the drop of a hat that they are ‘differently wired’ when we have zero evidence of this.

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Re gender related issues & brains, there IS considerable evidence that gay men on average have more female-typical brains, and lesbians have on average more male-typical brains.

https://news.ki.se/differences-related-to-sexual-orientation-found-in-the-brain

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&rct=j&url=www.newscientist.com/article/dn14146-gay-brains-structured-like-those-of-the-opposite-sex/%23:~:text%3DTo%2520get%2520round%2520this%252C%2520Savic,manifest%2520fear%2520as%2520intense%2520anxiety.&ved=2ahUKEwjirLGo6vSQAxXGQEEAHaInEXEQ1fkOegQICxAM&opi=89978449&cd&psig=AOvVaw3SBhQtqT9l6S-vQkw6zq0G&ust=1763319272945000

So, while the TWAW narrative that 'transwomen have female brains trapped in male bodies' and vice versa is obviously wrong, the overlap between same-sex attacted people and trans people indicates some may well have brains more typical of the opposite sex. Which is NOT to say they should transition or that they are trapped in the wrong body.

Differences related to sexual orientation found in the brain

A large brain imaging study involving researchers at Karolinska Institutet demonstrates that same-sex sexual behaviour-related differences in the brain exist. The study is published in the journal Human Brain Mapping.

https://news.ki.se/differences-related-to-sexual-orientation-found-in-the-brain

Carla786 · 15/11/2025 18:58

Thatsalineallright · 15/11/2025 07:08

Yes it does. You can have a predisposition to something that then needs a trigger to manifest.

I don't see why you seem so disbelieving. We know for example that older mothers are more likely to have children with autism. Why is it such a leap to think other aspects of pregnancy (diet, stress...) play a role?

It's not just wild speculation either. There have been studies done. Google it and you'll find lots of research links.

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Yes, prenatal stress has been linked to lots of things, not just autism. My mother was very stressed during pregnancy, at risk of pre-eclampsia. I don't think it affected me but it made me interested in researching potential effects.

Evergreen505 · 15/11/2025 19:01

Ozgirl76 · 14/11/2025 07:01

I actually think maybe it’s more a “modern life is harder on ND kids so they need more assistance”
Im not sure about this though because I do think school was pretty brutal for ND kids in the 80s.

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My son is ND. School is a living nightmare.

In the 90s I went to a fairly traditional school. If I was really playing up then we'd be punished but we didn't have constant detentions or these isolation days in a booth. So it's actually quite hellish for ND kids with this current approach.

Carla786 · 15/11/2025 19:53

user746016 · 14/11/2025 09:01

I have two children diagnosed with ADHD and one is also diagnosed autistic.
Both are high functioning and at university. Most people wouldn't know.

I am convinced that it is modern life and in particular screens. I don't think they are necessarily ND. I think the modern environment causes kids today to deal with an endless stream of random distraction and this then means they cannot focus properly. They never spend time just sitting thinking.

If I had my parenting time again I would not allow them screens but the reality is that this isn't sustainable in today's world. I also think kids today are massively overloaded for no reason and they don't have time alone in their own heads. They are constantly doing activities and being rushed from place to place. For no real benefit really. Few adults suddenly get out their violin and play even they learned as a child. Few adults suddenly perform a high level ballet routine in their kitchen. Even the kids who are the top of their sports class/club rarely go on to be professional athletes. The chances are extremely slim but it dominates their lives (and also causes stress and lack of downtime for parents).

Kids need time to learn how to just be. To get bored. To think through their feelings rather than just numbing their brains with distractions.

Both of my kids are at uni sharing halls and houses with others. They say that most people stay in their rooms most of the time - even in the sociable halls. They might go out and party a couple of times a week but 90% of the time they are in their rooms with their doors closed on their phones rather than sitting around just chatting and learning how to interact properly.

Hmm...I'm not convinced childhood hobbies are a problem, or of no benefit in adulthood. No, most adults probably don't keep up their childhood instruments, but it would probably be good if they did. I learnt Suzuki as a kid & I did take his message of the importance of music to heart : I'm at uni now & I know it'll be harder to keep up violin & piano but I hope I can. My grandfather worked hard but luckily had the time to keep up his piano which was a great source of joy. A world in which adults have time for the kind of activity would be a better world

Ballet : again, no, not high level. But adults who keep up with ballet or other dance in some way do seem to benefit.

Children learning instruments is nothing new , it's been a thing for many civilisations since the ancients.

https://www.uplandmusicacademy.com/post/a-journey-through-time-how-kids-have-learned-music

What is new is the pressure for children to have achieved certain things in their music/dance etc for school entry to better schools etc It's like going to church just to get into a faith school- I get why people do it, but otoh if it's just done to get into a school and is very pressured, it probably lessens the benefit.

A Journey Through Time: How Kids Have Learned Music

The origins of music education for children can be traced back to ancient civilizations, such as Mesopotamia, Egypt, and Greece. These early societies recognized the integral role of music in education, fostering cognitive and emotional growth. Young a...

https://www.uplandmusicacademy.com/post/a-journey-through-time-how-kids-have-learned-music

Carla786 · 15/11/2025 19:54

Re sport & dance, I think similarly re extreme pressure, especially with the risk of injury there.

Anxietybummer · 15/11/2025 20:05

YANBU to think the issue is something bigger that an explosion of ND children. I don’t know it’s its schooling expectations, screens, parenting… possibly a mix. But children are generally less resilient I think.

Carla786 · 15/11/2025 20:27

user746016 · 15/11/2025 04:21

But I suspect most of us know that we are very different in our behaviours now because of social media than we used to be.

I am in my mid 50s. I can spend hours and hours on mums net, facebook and instagram just scrolling through rubbish that makes no difference to my life and means I don't then do other things. This then puts me under pressure in other areas of my life, affects the amount of time I spend on other things whether that is keeping on top of laundry/paperwork/my job/returning things to shops etc.

Then I look at stuff online too that affirms my suspicions that I might have ADHD because it talks about procrastination and leaving things until the last minute, letting laundry mount up, not keeping on top of paperwork, struggling at work with deadlines, missing things because I'm not organised, being late for things etc etc.

My behvaviours are changed because I can't focus properly, I get distracted, I start one thing and then a million other things are constantly popping into my head because Im used to the ten second hit of distraction form scrolling on instagram.

This affects me in this way and Im an adult and generally regarded as a very competent one. I was born in the seventies and didn't even have a mobile until my mid twenties. The effect on the developing brain of a child must be massive.

Edited

Johan Hari's book Stolen Focus is probably relevant to this

SeriousTissues · 16/11/2025 08:49

There are diagnostic criteria, however certainly in our case the assessment process was appalling and from what I hear from others, it wasn’t as thorough as what others have been through. From the list a poster has listed above, there’s only one of those traits that apply to my daughter and yet she still has a diagnosis and I genuinely feel this is a misdiagnosis. And I wonder how many others are being similarly (mis)diagnosed.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 16/11/2025 10:20

usedtobeaylis · 14/11/2025 23:10

It would be really nice if children could be fully supported as they are without needing to go through a process of diagnosis. The school telling children one thing and then doing another drives me insane as it really upsets my daughter and is so needless. That's not a resilience issue, that's a trust issue. It teaches children they can't trust adults and children do take that message from it. So - totally understand a diagnosis is helpful in many many circumstances and I'm not advocating for not pursuing it- wouldn't it just be nice for children to be in environments where adults followed through on what they say as standard, instead of needing an individual diagnosis to understand why some children might really struggle when they don't.

It is a trust issue but most children can still trust adults about the big stuff - to keep them safe, say - even if the school can't always do exactly what they said. Most children can cope with things not going exactly as promised - if it doesn't happen this week, maybe it will happen next week, maybe something else nice will happen instead, and even if it doesn't it's not the end of the world.

A child who really needs to have everything "just so" in school to function and who can't handle any disappointment or failed expectations without profound distress is at the very least unusual and is going to struggle in school and (if they don't ease up as they grow) later in life too.

If your child really can't cope with changes that most children take easily in their stride then they do need a diagnostic process to figure out why not. Is it due to traumatic events or a chaotic lifestyle at home? Or to some innate condition, like autism? Different underlying causes need different management.

dizzydizzydizzy · 16/11/2025 19:10

LightDark · 15/11/2025 10:42

There is an irritating assumption that ‘NT’ people just sail through life, finding everything easy, which of course is not the case.

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The assumption - well the truth actually - is that ND people have all the usual difficulties that NT people have plus a load of extra ones. I’m currently on holiday doing a course with 20 people I don’t know and I have had an autistic shutdown and won!t be able to go to the group dinner tonight because it will make me feel worse if I have to sit with all these people. They are all perfectly lovely but altogether they make a lot of noise (sensory overload) plus I have a lot of difficulty following conversations in groups due to language processing issues associated with my neurodivergence. (Nothing wrong with my hearing).