To think perhaps my son isn’t autistic but instead modern society is too challenging for him to cope with.

[SpinningTops]

My son is 7 and on the long waiting list for an autism assessment.

Sometimes I wonder whether he would cope absolutely fine if he was an 80s or 90s child. Maybe it’s rose tinted glasses but modern life seems so chaotic and jam packed, so much to learn at school etc.

He’s in a small class at school and seeing the number of children struggling, so many with ‘special jobs’ to just get them into the classroom, makes me think something is wrong with the system rather than all these children being neurodiverse. And this is an absolutely wonderful school which outwardly he says he loves.

It’s just something I’ve been thinking more and more about recently …

I think society is more stressful now than when we were children. And I think that neurodivergent people are the ones who tend to suffer most from this. So I think you are right to say that there is a problem with our society, but it's also likely that your child is neurodivergent which is why they, more than others, struggle to cope. It's also why we've seen a "rise" in neurodivergence. There hasn't really been a rise, it was always there, it's just the high-pressured society has made it more difficult for them.

Thats no different from the past - I think you have rose coloured glasses on.

I do think that autism/adhd has become the go to explanation for any poor performance in school. In my time before autism diagnosis became popular, It would be assumed that the child was just not academic /better suited to practical things (meaning factory work) or just not that bright.

Having said all that my state education in the 70s was truly awful.
Abusive,incompetent teachers were the norm so I don't think going back is the answer.

School refusers have always been there. Truancy wasn't as policed then as it is now, so less were picked up is all.

I had one student who was dragged in and would never come out from under the table. She'd run out if the door was unblocked and lock herself in the toilets.

That’s interesting. My daughter (9) came home one day this week to tell me she’d spent more time on a iPad at school than she ever does at home.

My dad was autistic and dyslexic. At school in the 1950s he was just labelled thick and weird. I'm glad we're not going back to that.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think the school system is making it harder for all children, which means neurodivergent children are having an even tougher time than they did in the 80s/90s. Typical mainstream children are struggling with sensory overload and schools seem chaotic and noisy - and not in a 'child noise' way but in an overwhelming way. The whole world is noisier and busier. So it makes sense that neurodivergent children who maybe didn't stick out too much AS neurodivergent back then but have now been diagnosed in adulthood correlates with neurodivergent children struggling more in the current environment.

I think to a certain extent it's rose tinted glasses.

I went to a tiny village school in the late 80s early 90s... I didn't fit in and was badly bullied. I usually went in ok, but would run home (through the woods!) during the school day 😬

Recently diagnosed as neurodivergent - no one had a clue at the time. I'm glad schools are (generally) more supportive now.

I do agree that things are more difficult in some ways though. More pressure, more choices (in shops, on TV), hectic schedules. It's a lot as a parent, never mind for a young child!

So how on earth would “screens” cause your child’s potential diagnosis?

Of course they have, but the numbers have significantly increased.

Truancy is not the same as school refusal

Do you think olden days were literally in black and white or sepia tone then? Of course things were “bright” back then! Loads of modern franchises were made popular decades ago, like Disney, Pokémon, Haribo etc. all of those brands marketed towards children back in the day, especially via magazines or gift shops.

I think the neurodivergent traits have always been there. I was a child in the 90s and I have a lot of the traits, as do all my family. Was life a constant struggle for me? No not at all. I think the world has become so that it is harder for people with some of the traits to cope, whereas before they would've got by.

I also think many of the common traits of neurodivergent people would've made them absolutely excel at certain points in history which is why there are actually a hell of a lot of people around with these traits. Super sensitive hearing or sense of smell would make you an amazing hunter. Excess of energy would be useful for a nomadic tribe as you could run ahead and scout potential danger. Struggling with empathy would make it easier to make tough decisions on the battle field.

My personal opinion is that perhaps the neurodivergent are less of a minority than we used to think. What we should be asking ourselves is why are we increasingly living lives where we stay in our houses and look at screens all day, then travel everywhere in large boxes on wheels with two arm chairs and a sofa inside inhaling the toxic fumes it produces which are literally poisoning our natural environment. Not to mention that these boxes on wheels with living room suites inside have made everywhere so dangerous that we don't let our children play independently any more and instead ferry them round between clubs where they have to behave all the time and never get a chance to just kick back and be free.

100%. Both my brothers would have been diagnosed if they had been a decade younger. One with Adhd, the other with autism. They both feel it would have destroyed their lives, as for the older of the two, he would have taken it as permission to lean into bad behaviour and my younger brother, who is extremely shy, feels it would have destroyed what little social confidence he had. Both grew up "normal" and reasonably successful and see nothing but negatives in any possible diagnosis.

I'd actually be quite wary about getting any not completely necessary diagnosis going forward as culturally, we're very much at a point where the pendulum is about to swing back on a lot of our current norms. I wouldn't be at all surprised if in the next decade or two, people with these diagnoses find themselves locked out of certain employment roles or seriously struggle to get visas if they want to work abroad. I only know about the anglo-countries but Canada, NZ and Australia all have conditions relating to neurological conditions in their visa assessment process, while the US is currently considering adding them. At the moment they aren't completely disbarring, but immigration is a huge political issue in those countries, so the time could come where that may change for the much more restrictive.

Totally agree.I know someone who was steadily losing her hearing as a child. Never picked up by the school. When she asked the teacher to repeat things she was mocked by the teacher in front of the class(1970s). Schools are certainly more compassionate places now.

You're in charge of his life. And your own life.

If his life is chaotic and jam packed, change your lives. This is the first thing to do when you suspect autism and ADHHD any way as so much environmental stuff can cause issues and when they go away - the symptoms go away.

I have an ADHD diagnosis. and an Autism diagnosis. My son has Autism and suspected ADHD.

It on YOU to change his environment and habits to one that is less hectic and hassled.

Get rid of the TV. Put your own phone in a locked box when you get home. Don't put him in extra clubs. Walk to school. Leave 20m earlier. Get enough, deep, uninterrupted sleep. Remove as many over processed foods, dairy as you can. Simplify your home environment, less furniture, toys, everything. Pare it all back

Spend Saturdays doing a 10 mile walk cross the countryside without a single device, just walking.

Don't take him to the supermarket - why on earth would anyone do that - get it delivered. Never walk past the shiny shelf of plastic crap ever again.

Don't take him places with a gift shop. My son used to epically melt down EVERY TIME because he could not decide what to buy with his own money he had. He would get stuck in the decision making and perceived pressure. Just don't go they are just money making machines anyway.

You have control over more things in his life to day than you will next year. Each year, you get less and less feedback and control and the school get more, as will your son.

Take firm appropriate action now.

i agree. I have a sensitive 5 year old. She’s seemingly struggled her whole life, just found everything very difficult but not meeting any criteria for diagnosis or displaying specific typical symptoms. She’s just overwhelmed and finds life hard. She would be fine if she could be roaming around with a pack of children but getting up and to school and wearing a uniform and sitting still is hard for her. She is in year 1 but a summer born so only 5 years and 4 months, and has reading homework 4 x a week, maths x 3 a week and handwriting 5 x a week in the evenings. It’s mad. We don’t do any clubs and we are lucky i only do 2 long days (partly because she can’t cope with more). Alot of children in her class are in 07.30-18.00 5 days a week. It’s exhausting for everybody.

Many moons ago I worked for CAMHS. When a child was "school refusing", the first question I would ask is "What is it about the school that makes him/her want to refuse to go?"

We feed children down an increasingly restricted tube - detailed curricula, an environment that goes against the true nature of childhood - and then wonder why some can't hack it.

No child should receive a pathological label until the potential pathology of their environment has been investigated.

of course they were, but the amount of choice and marketing has exponentially increased over the last few decades - and possibly having more impact on children with autistic traits

She is in year 1 but a summer born so only 5 years and 4 months, and has reading homework 4 x a week, maths x 3 a week and handwriting 5 x a week in the evenings. It’s mad.

Mad indeed and disgraceful.

Yep, if my son gets 3 hours solid exercise everyday he can manage a school day about 90% the level of a neurotypical equivalent child (looking at his peers) he still struggles with anxiety, changes to routine and transitions but can focus on given tasks. And thank goodness his school is so understanding about any small concessions he needs to make it easier.

I don't think that's quite right - poor academic performance is not even on the criteria for autism (whereas it might be an indicator for ADHD, although not always). Autism can affect anybody of any IQ level.

I don't think it was right to simply write people off as not being very bright, although I appreciate it was a simple explanation that seemed to make sense at the time. It's good that psychologists/researchers are looking at patterns to see whether there are groups of children/people who have similar difficulties and whether there is an identifiable underlying cause and/or how they can be helped and supported. I do think there is a lot more for us to understand than we currently do. It seems like many different neurodivergent conditions, e.g. dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD and autism etc, seem to overlap and sometimes it seems like pure chance of which professional somebody sees first as to which diagnosis/es they get. I do wonder sometimes if some of the distinctions are somewhat arbitrary. My own son has a diagnosis of ADHD, but has a lot of autistic traits and some professionals have told me that this is usual, that children who have ADHD often have autistic traits but not always enough for a full diagnosis.

I did not thrive as an undiagnosed autistic child at primary school in the 1980s. I was bullied to fuck constantly- mostly by boys-and none of the adults seemed to notice/care.

I then went to a girls' grammar and it was bliss in comparison socially (a high % of "weird", "spoddy" girls, a low discipline culture- everyone just seemed to automatically behave well), although I kind of coasted academically. I remember my parents being summoned in a few times though- I remember my exercise books- absolutely covered in doodles- being presented as evidence of my wrongdoing. I'd like to think that nowadays twitchy kids who like to doodle as a concentration aid would just be given some sheets of rough paper and allowed to crack on!

One thing that hasn't been mentioned here re school is "borture"- a phrase I think coined by Pen Holderness meaning that boredom is absolute torture. I remember feeling this a lot at secondary! (suspect I might be AuDHD, but cba to get another diagnosis).

DS2 is on the autism pathway. He's thriving at his primary, due to being very very clever and academic. (His previous primary was very hippy, very laid back, full of SEN kids with poorly managed behaviour, so lots of screeching, punching, kicking....it suited some, but he is FAR happier in a more traditional, structured environment!). He's had some social problems (tendency to punch people if taunted), but it has been firmly but sensitively dealt with and he's doing better socially.

I've just been discussing his IEP with his form teacher- we're already looking at the transition to secondary next year- and they do make some accommodations for him with things like PE. I could only dream of having had accommodations made for me at that age!

Today is some kind of dress up day for CIN and he has flatly refused to do it and that's fine. He also refuses to wear PE kit and just does PE in school uniform and trainers and that's fine too, apparently.

DS1 is already in Y11 at the secondary. He is NT, possibly with "traits". It is fairly pressured and rigid- they've just brought in a new raft of pointless uniform rules- and the pressure in the run up to GCSEs is insane.If they've had one assembly/ parents evening stressing the value of attendance/ the importance of GCSEs they've had 10! I went to just one and it made me feel anxious and stressed! In addition, they have 2 sets of mocks. DS1 is just coping with it, but I can see a lot of kids struggling. However, I do know a lot of ND kids there who are thriving (Although the ones that attended the "hippy" primary all seem to have crashed out spectacularly 🤔).

It might not be exactly the same but there has got to be a significant overlap.

My DS is on waitlist for autism assessment, he’s 4. I think it’s a case that modern life is very challenging for ND people. And not just 2025, but recent decades also.

I believe my son has certain traits that would have THRIVED in a hunter gatherer small island village, running amok with other children , ‘heavy work’, climbing trees and exploring. But sitting quietly (and still) for circle time , navigating busy/noisy/chaotic indoor places etc, following instructions and social norms is very challenging for him

Surely it’s linked. People aren’t inherently ‘disabled’. Everyone has ability. People are disabled by their environment, because it doesn’t cater to their needs.

IME school has become a lot more pressurised academically than it used to be, in terms of the amount of content they have to get through, education targets (mainly based on exam results) and the formulaic nature of exams/testing.

IMHO, the most important targets should be children leaving school feeling they’re part of a (kind, inclusive, safe, stable) community, happy, confident, with a lifelong love of reading and learning, innovative and aware of how to learn and think critically (i.e. how to research, verify and assess information).

Plus, a broad curriculum which includes philosophy (to understand people have always had different ways of viewing the world and themselves) and languages (which helps understand your own language and culture, as well as others). Plus, a curriculum that equally values/timetables creative (art, music, drama, construction), practical (cooking, gardening, mechanics) and physical (sport, dance) subjects. I was lucky to attend a fully inclusive and comprehensive state secondary school and so many people (even those who were very academic) went on to very successful careers in theatre design, music, sport, mechanics (F1, aeronautical design), horticulture, food etc because of enjoying, and being encouraged in, these subjects at school.

It’s also so important for children to feel the world is predominantly full of good people (the truth) and to have plenty of opportunities to enjoy being out and about in nature or calm spaces meeting others. But the zeitgeist tends to be all the bad things going on in the world (wars, knife crime, sexual abuse, angry people), which IMHO can make some kids understandably feel safer to stay at home.

And everyday life now has much more sensory overload: advertising everywhere, moving visuals on endless screens, 24hr news, traffic, schedules, rushing from one place to the next, huge busy shops and public spaces, even household appliances and lighting. Most of us feel the need to lie down in a darkened room on a regular basis.

He should keep up the Lego 🙂