Not to cook for a guest at Christmas?

[thatsnotmynewname]

Dh and I have agreed not to cook this Christmas and instead have a relaxing day, a few drinks and some Christmas treats as a buffet style. Neither of us are big eaters these days.
We have an adult son (25) who lives local, he rents a room in a shared house so I expect he will come over.
I asked him his plans for Christmas and if he’d be spending it with us and as usual he said he didn’t know yet, however we know if he does decide to turn up it will be unannounced and he will expect a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.
AIBU to stick to our plan?
He will not get a Christmas dinner anywhere else but he will also not let us know his plans until the last minute, and not give us a time until last minute.
I think it’s a lot of effort to go to benefit one person who may pop by for some food.

Keep one of these in the fridge and pop it in the oven if he's coming round?

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This is so weird. Do you plan to talk to him before Christmas?! Tell him you hadn’t planned to cook a turkey dinner, is he planning to join? Maybe he’d offer to cook it? Could you bring yourself to enjoy it if he cooked? I can’t imagine feeling this exhausted by one ‘guest’ and one meal…

When I read the title my brain skipped over ‘for’
and I was expecting something much more specialised.

The Marks and Spencer Xmas dinner in a box was great.

PICKY BITS! 😂😂

Yes tge terms ‘guest’ in this and ‘ one person’ all sounds a bit distant when they are talking about a son. Also, I don’t know why people can’t just communicate directly and not rely on mind reading. If you want a certain outcome then talk about it beforehand.

Just tell him your plans he’s old enough to make up his own mind what he wants to do. And yes stick to your original plan with snacks

Yeah and now you are setting him up to be an awful husband. If he thinks this is how he should be treated.

You don’t want to put him off coming.

OP, if he isn’t coming for your company, to see his DPs on Christmas Day and bring their presents you can’t bribe him into attendance with food.

I think you may be struggling with the feeling that he won’t come - I get it, the first year we decided to have Christmas at home as a young couple, my MiL rang mid morning and begged us to come over as ‘it felt wrong and she hated it’.

(Spoiler alert: we didn’t go; we went for nibbles on Boxing Day as arranged.)

It’s fine if he doesn’t come over, if he chooses to stay home or go to the pub or whatever. I wonder if it’s that transition that might feel difficult to you.

This is all weird
your son won't commit to spending Christmas Day with you until the morning of
you're worried he would rather stay home with a meal for one if you don't cook a roast
really?? Why don't you get some easy food in that you know your DS likes that could be cooked easily and if he does come you can just put it in the oven to go with the buffet food? What kind of buffet food are you planning that your 'healthy eating' son won't eat? Surely there are nice healthy buffet options too?

By not telling him your plans, you run the risk of him turning up on the day, expecting a traditional Christmas dinner and him being disappointed and grumpy. That will put a sour note on the day and ruin the casual/easy day you and DH had planned.

Tell him your plans now - offer to get in a Christmas meal for one. Tell him that you both love to see him on Christmas Day.

Hi OP

Not sure if this has been suggested or not but I'd go with your original plan for you and husband.

However as we have 5 or 6 weeks until Christmas I'd make a Christmas meal "in stages" for son and freeze each food in advance

Eg you roast a chicken tomorrow for you and Dh.....freeze some stuffing, gravy and roast chicken.

In two weeks you make meal with roast ham and carrots. Freeze these and add to the gravy, chicken n stuffing already in freezer.

Continue as above until most of the food is prepped and ready, should your son turn up on Christmas day.

I know it's not a perfect solution, and it won't be quite as good as a freshly cooked christmas dinner, but perhaps this might work as a compromise ie allays your mum guilt and your son will hopefully still join you on Christmas day?

We are having snacks too because I'm sick tired and fed up of cooking whilst OH wanders about saying what shall we have for dinner? So solidarity OP. I would tell him, you never know, he may fancy a change too 🙂

It truly is his own problem if he calls on Christmas morning to announce he’s coming and expect a full Christmas dinner?! Unless this a drip feed and you’re scared of him for some reason I really would have a a brief convo to explain your plans and reiterate you’d really like to see him. You could even buy a microwave Christmas meal if he’s really that bothered (and incapable of being an adult!).

Thank you! I was wondering also. Some fresh fruit on a plate, a plate of cut up veggies with some dip, salad and toppings, deviled eggs, shrimp, etc....I'd rather have all of that instead of a big dinner.

I would give him the option to make his own roast in your kitchen. Where are his other invites likely to come from?

Hang on, so this young man won’t confirm if he’s coming to your house on Christmas Day until it’s clear he has nothing better to do on the morning itself, then he rocks up at dinner time expecting a full roast with all the trimmings. So he expects you to make this just in case he fancies coming round, but if he cba to visit, you can just suck that up? He sounds delightful 😳

YWNBU to say to him, look Simon, i’m knackered this year and I don’t want to spend Christmas Day slaving in the kitchen, so your dad and I are having a day of no-prep no-washing-up buffet food, grazing and chilling out. We’d love to see you as always but if you’re only coming for the food, adjust your expectations.

I’m surprised at that, as you sound like he is an irritant to you and not wanting to do Xmas dinner is more important than having him there, like he’s disrupting your plans, you even wrote he asks when dinner is, like it’s some odd thing to think you’re making Xmas dinner, when I assume you do it each year.

So he won't confirm hes coming for Christmas until the morning of? Has he done this in the past then? Just shown up on Christmas day when you thought he wasn't coming? and not shown up at all some years?

It seems that you want him to come, but don't want to cook a full on Christmas dinner, which is fine but you need to tell him just that. You could include some healthier options he would enjoy in your buffet.

If he decides that he doesn't want to come just because your not making him a dinner then it appears you and your son's relationship is not exactly great and it likely goes a lot deeper than just Christmas dinner. How is your relationship 99.9% of the time?

So let him come and cook himself a mini roast with items from the freezer but have the conversation first.so he's aware.

I agree. It sounds like he is waiting for a better offer to come along

The relationship between the OP and her son sounds rather distant as well.

If he wants a plate piled high then he can do it himself. Stop babying him, he’s 25. If he wants a Christmas dinner, he cooks it. I know he’s your child but he’s an adult. Your plans are buffet style and chill and that’s it. He’s got weeks to shop for a roast dinner. Do Christmas how you want and don’t feel guilty.

That sounds as if you have a bigger problem than a Christmas snack buffet.

Perfect!

Come on OP, you're really making a big deal out of nothing here. If he'd rather be alone in his digs on Xmas day because you're not providing the option of a full on Christmas roast - just in case he decides last minute that he fancies one - then that's on him! He's 25 FFS not 15.

It sounds like he'd come just for the feast, not because he wants to spend the day in your company!

How f’ed up is your family that you describe your DS as a ‘guest’?