Not to cook for a guest at Christmas?

[thatsnotmynewname]

Dh and I have agreed not to cook this Christmas and instead have a relaxing day, a few drinks and some Christmas treats as a buffet style. Neither of us are big eaters these days.
We have an adult son (25) who lives local, he rents a room in a shared house so I expect he will come over.
I asked him his plans for Christmas and if he’d be spending it with us and as usual he said he didn’t know yet, however we know if he does decide to turn up it will be unannounced and he will expect a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.
AIBU to stick to our plan?
He will not get a Christmas dinner anywhere else but he will also not let us know his plans until the last minute, and not give us a time until last minute.
I think it’s a lot of effort to go to benefit one person who may pop by for some food.

We have always cooked Christmas dinner but similar to you one year we just didn’t want to have the hassle so told our usual guests (my family) if they wanted to come still it was for burgers…. No way would I have cooked a traditional dinner if one of them objected!! We were back to normal the following year!

Goodness, I can’t imagine calling my child a guest, and I can’t imagine not saying I’m going to do some lovely picky bits and treats no formal dinner and we’d love you to join us, rather than have to turn to mumsnet before you speak to him, you don’t even sound like you like him.

He's your son! He's not a guest. Just tell him your plans.

I am a terrible enabler with no hope of maintaining boundaries and I would probably cook a 'just in case' turkey crown and get in ready prepared frozen roasties and trimmings etc.. don't be like me! You don't need to do this, but I think you do need to make sure he knows your plans, and that he is welcome to join.

I know I just don’t want to put him off coming as it’s Christmas I don’t want him sitting alone in his room with a meal for one.
He doesn’t eat buffet style food as he’s really healthy and doesn’t drink either.
He will probably offer to cook himself if I say anything.

So, as multiple people have suggested, tell him that’s not what you’re going to do this year. Then he won’t expect it (or can cook it himself).

You're making it a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

I actually think he’s really rude and disrespectful to call you on the day and let you know if hell be gracing you with his presence. Is he waiting to see if he gets a better offer?? My adult kids would never.

This is a very strange way to go about things . Just say to him “just to let you know we would love you to come round at Christmas but just to let you know we are having a year off of the traditional dinner “
tell him now and he knows what to expect and if he requires the traditional meal he can make arrangements for one!

I’m very much like you, terrible people pleaser and feel guilty if I’m not piling my sons plate high at Christmas.

You think he’d prefer to sit alone in his room with a meal for one than see his parents over Christmas because he doesn’t like buffet food (which can be literally anything, by the way)? Really? Why do you think this?

https://www.ocado.com/products/m-s-roast-turkey-dinner-for-one/530651011?srsltid=AfmBOoo0Blz0uWEGkzYX6szHXCk7jHgn7FkrsQyTEQ7RV7u0DUaGguyt
Get one of these. If he doesn't come pop in freezer.
If he come does pop in oven.

Tell him you’d love to see him and he doesn’t need to decide his arrival time now, but heads up, you aren’t cooking this year. You’re doing buffet food. Ask him what he’d like. Cold meats? Pickles? Salads? They go fine on a buffet, anyway. Tell him he’s welcome to bring something to heat up if he doesn’t fancy any of your suggestions.

If he chooses to sit alone at home because he’s put out that you aren’t cooking a full roast or doesn’t organise himself well enough to make any advance plans with you, then that’s on him. He’s an adult, he needs to behave like one, and part of that is realising his parents are people with their own wants and preferences.

So tell him to bring his meal for one to your house 😳

No-one is owed a Christmas dinner.

Why is he so rude?! He doesn't bloody deserve a cooked dinner, cheeky sod.

You have raised an entitled, bad-mannered 25-y-o.

Just tell him he is welcome but it's going to be a buffet style lazy day. No need to agonise or feel guilty.

It seems that, as a family, you have a poor communication style.

As others have said, call him up, in advance, and let him know your plans for Christmas this year. I would also be inclined to tell him that, going forward, he does not provide advance notice (within reason) of his Christmas plans, you will assume he will not be coming to your home on Christmas Day.

"He will probably offer to cook himself if I say anything."

Problem solved, surely? It's not that hard to do Christmas dinner for 1, and he could always cook for all of you unless you have your heart set on eating a buffet rather than having a buffet because you want to relax.

Not unreasonable but I’d be letting him know, you could get him a frozen turkey ready meal and say he can heat it up if he wants to.

id love a simple Christmas. We did it once when we couldn’t mix households due to Covid and I really enjoyed the quiet.

Just get couple of these in case he turns up, and if he doesn't then save them for next year. They keep for ages.

I don't get how buffet food is intrinsically less healthy than the full Christmas dinner. In either case, it's a one-off.

He could offer to cook it for his mum and dad. Bet that wont happen.

Just tell him not to expect a dinner.

Are you afraid of him, or something?

It doesn't need to be a roast dinner, but realistically I would want to be putting something on the table than he can eat and enjoy. Maybe get him to make a couple of suggestions for your buffet shopping list, and to bring a food contribution of something he likes.

Let him know your plans and he can bring an M&S ready made dinner if buffet isn't his thing.