The dreaded Christmas dinner

[Aprilmaymum]

So no idea what we will do this year for Christmas dinner. My parents invited us all for the day. On the very same day my DP had a call from the in-laws also inviting us for the day. The issue is they the in-laws were on holiday last year and my parents were unwell so we stayed at home. I have suggested why not they all come to mine but the in-law say no as they want us all there and brother in law and his family also and my parents want us at there’s are my two brothers are also going .. I don’t want to upset any of them. DH says we should go to mine for the morning and then his for the afternoon. I don’t think that is fair on our three DC who are very young. I did suggest maybe Boxing Day with one but both parents want us there for the dinner. Any ideas. ?

We have this every single year and it drives me insane, no advice really but you can’t make everyone happy someone will always have something to complain about! In my case anyway!

Time to stay home and relax

Ours love going to my parents and seeing their cousins. We do one year at home (aka as the boring year) and one year at my parents.

Alternating dates can become horribly binding, once you start you are stuck.

Why not see Christmas via your dc's eyes. Dragged from house to house or stay home and play with their gifts? Stop worrying about pandering to grown ups.

This. Why are you dragging your poor kids around? Surely the day is about them too? Not trying to run around pleading all the big grown adults?

You need to take this in hand now.

You'll alternate each family (you can have a year at home too if you like). Both mums need firmly telling that the other partner has a family too. You'll arrive late morning after a lazy breakfast and your DC opening their presents and you'll go home in time for a decent bedtime.

Toss a coin for which family is this year and which is next.

We had years of this "Completism" where MIL didn't feel it was really Christmas unless she could survey the full complement of her offspring around the table. They need to learn to share.

I didn’t like it when I was a kid and neither did my mum. We just wanted to be home doing Christmas our way. I had aunts and uncles but no grandparents though. For me Christmas has always been about being in my own home, whether that was as a child or adult. I really don’t enjoy being in someone else’s house. The only exception will be when my own kids start to host.

YABU not to have worked this out months ago. November and December are prime for getting upset about Christmas plans. If you decide what you are doing in August, people know where they stand and have gotten over it by the time comes and made other arrangements

I have told my parents and ILs that we intend to broadly organise but if it doesn’t work for us one year then we won’t be doing it. Setting things out early stops people getting upset about it

Have dinner at your own home and visit both sides instead. Less hassle than alternating! I alternated for 4 years and then decided on cooking myself and I couldn’t go back! People get jealous of whose side gets to do the dinner first, etc. It’s your Christmas aswell just do what you like

How unreasonable of both sides! Biff them both off! What do YOU and your children and husband want to do? Do whatever that is.
I refuse to go to anyone else's at Christmas, people are welcome to come to us and everyone always gets an active invite but I want my kids to get to play with their new toys in their jammies and just enjoy the day rather than be carted around for obligational reasons. Fuck that noise.

There's no reason for anyone to get worked up over this. Do what suits you best. Neither set of in-laws will be alone on Christmas, so OP's decision is easier.

God yes, OP don't do this. We got sucked into this alternating bollocks (Xmas day with one set of parents, boxing day with the other set) early on in our marriage and I really wish we'd never started it. We did it with the aim of making things 'fair' but it isn't fair to us, because it means never being able to have Christmas in our own home.

Why don’t you offer to host? That’s what we have started doing and we are gradually setting a precedent that ours is the Christmas house and they are welcome if they want. It’s great

See initial post. OP did. MiL nixed idea as wants to host.

@Aprilmaymum , we take turns (with our DILs family ) seeing our elder son and his family on alternate Christmas or Boxing Day.
You are being very reasonable if your collective parents can’t accept that you can’t cut yourselves in half perhaps you should stay at home and invite them all over on Boxing Day.

Your in laws have said what they want, your parents said what they want - what about you!? What do you and dh actually want!? Because your in laws and your parents feelings are not more valid than yours. Yes, they will be upset if you pick the other side, or if you stay at home - that's for them to feel, leave them to their feelings. It's not your job to manage their feelings for them, or find a way to keep the peace. Do whatever you want for Christmas day, whatever your children want. Everyone else can manage around that (e.g. see you boxing day, see you next year, visit you at some point during the day). It makes me sad the number of people desperate to do what all and sundry want, at the expense of their own happiness. Of course it's lovely to make others happy, but it's not your responsibility and it doesn't trump your own wants/needs. Your MiLs or dad's happiness isn't more important than yours, prioritise what works best for you, let everyone know the options for meet ups and let them deal with that however works for them.

I am really against the alternating years between the two sets of parents when you have young children; its really unfair to give them loads of new toys and then drag thm off to see grandparents & family when all they want to do is play with their new toys.

Whatever you choose, do it because YOU want to. I didn't years don't what my parents expected, including spending the day with the while family two days post partum. It took until covid to be able to say no. My kids only have happy memories of the day but I wish I'd been stronger.

Sulking is EXACTLY what we get

This would be my reply.

This is the best response
ILs next year then home then parents in that rotation

Just because they both want you to go to their houses doesn't mean you have to go to both of their houses or to EITHER of their houses. You can stay home if that's what you would prefer!!!!! Do what works for your own children. Some people alternate and if you want to do that, that is fine. Then, just pick one and then see the other one next year.

Given that you think going to BOTH houses on Christmas day would be hard on your children, you definitely need to stand your ground on NOT visiting both houses. I can tell you from experience that I have at times done things to please my in-laws for Christmas, that made Christmas a lot harder for my kids, and I regret it A LOT. Adults should be able to manage their emotions but sometimes adults act as if they are the ones who need their emotions babied, and they expect the children to endure boredom, exhaustion, or unhappiness so that the adults can get everything they want. Christmas can be a source of joyful memories for children, if you don't let grandparent neediness get in the way.

Three young kids? I'd stay home and enjoy the revelry of three kids on Christmas day, especially when they're young so will be getting toys from Santa Claus to play with! Don't get dragged in, you've been invited to two places and you can't please everyone, so please yourselves. They can drop in themselves if they'd like and you have your dinner at home.