Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

[notsurewhattodo11]

I have lived in the UK for the last 12 years, very happy with good job, nice are, husband and child.

The plan was always to move back to my own country but we are so settled now. I feel terrible for my parents though who live back there (they have a lovely life but miss us loads, plus my sister also lives abroad). It's a high income country with great services so it's not that they struggle, but I feel bad for being far away and I really feel the pressure to move soon if we do it at all as son is 6 years old now and wouldn't want to leave it much longer. At the same time I am really worried to leave our life here behind (that's if DH can even find a job there!) The country I would be moving though is, however, on the face of it, "better" in terms of public services, weather, and safety, so I do wonder if I am making a mistake by staying here (I love the UK and not trying to trash it at all by the way)

Make the leap and go or stay here??? AIBU for leaving, YANBU for going

That isn’t a decision we can help you make. You need to talk to your husband and decide what is right for you, him and your kids. Take your parents out of the equation - if they weren’t there, would you consider moving back to that country? If not, I’d say that’s your answer.

Thank you. Basically:

• DH is fully on board with moving, however he's very specialized in what he does for work and it's really tricky finding a job that pays equally well over there. Nevermind the commute, which is big.
• DS loves visiting but is very happy at school and has good friends there. He says he does not want to move, however I am unsure if I can take this at face value as he is only 6 years old and obviously can't make an informed decision.
• I understand what you mean about taking my parents out of the equation but in reality that's not really the case is it? I'm thinking ahead of the years to come- what if they need help and support? I would end up flying over all the time to help which would also put strain on family life

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Your DH is in work and you say it might be difficult to get a similar job over there.
Your DC is happy at school and from what you say seems to have settled in.
Your DP - at the moment - do not need your help on a regular basis and, for all you know, might not need it for many years to come.

I would stay. Your whole case for going back rests on something that might happen. The case for staying rests on established facts.

I'm expecting there are cultural expectations with you saying you have to look after your parents if the need support later in life?

If not, then if the services are as good as you say you can keep to the arrangement you have now.

Some may come on and say that your 6 year old has a valid opinion and his feelings should be taken into consideration, but when he meets new friends his old ones will be more or less forgotten, bar a few early facetime calls etc.

You could give it 6 months to 12 months, see how works out back ' home '. It will be another upheaval but this doesn't have to be permanent.

Could your parents move here if they need support? Is that allowed? Could they afford it?

Sadly not, first of all they are too set in their ways, they don't like the weather (I actually don't mind it, I like that it's mild over here! But they need their sunshine), and for elderly people, care is much more comprehensive where I am from (again I am not bashing the UK, but it's a different system over there) so moving over won't be an option. I got settled status and there is a route to bring family over but I highly doubt they would even consider this.

Thank you for your reply. There is definitely more of an expectation to look after parents over there, though it's not unheard of to move away and I do know a few people who have moved away and just visit more as their parents age.

I agree with you on the issue of friendships etc. plus my son is very gregarious, I have no doubt he'd find new friends. The issue with giving it a try for a few months is that I don't think we can do this with DH work and also I am very concerned that once we take son out of school, he won't get a place if we come back (it's a small village school, always fully subscribed, he also has some mild ND needs which is wonderfully managed by his dedicated class teacher). So I feel that it's all so risky but if I don't move, then I will feel forever guilty for not being near my parents...

Thank you so much. Interestingly I have never viewed it like this- that it might not happen that they need me, or only in a few years time down the road!
Your reasoning makes a lot of sense.

It isn't unreasonable for your DH to keep an eye on jobs that suit him, local to your parents. YABU to move without him having a job or any real prospects of finding one.

Could you visit more instead? Then you can feel less guilt without giving up your life? Is your sister having the same dilemma?

I did this. And it was the best thing.

A bit different in that we weren't 'super happy' just content. Life was ticking along nicely in the UK. 2 dc, house, really good jobs. Just couldn't imagine how/why we would make the move.

But the how/why popped up one day. DH and l thought about it, and decided to go for it. Dc were 7 and 3.

Thank you so much for your reply. So you moved once you found the right job over there? And how did your children find the move?

Thanks for your reply! Good idea to keep an eye on jobs.

Our current visiting schedule:

• All summer holiday (5-6 weeks)
• Every Christmas for 2 weeks
• Either February half term or Easter, or May holidays

This year we went on average every 2 months.

My sister.... well, she's lovely and we get on well, but she doesn't really thing about the more serious things in life. She visits regularly but then just relaxes all day long when she's at my parents. She also has absolutely no plan of ever moving back. I very much envision that when / if the time comes, I will shoulder the absolute lions share of caring/ making arrangments.

No jobs. Just moved. I started a contract role a couple of weeks in. Took dh months as his field is niche and although he had experience in London, he didn't have 'local' experience.

DC were fine. We made the move seem like it was just what happens - moving home.

I think from everything you say it’s a good idea to move, and soon, because of your son’s age. If you make the decision to move as soon as the right job becomes available, then that suggests being proactive about finding a job, rather than just keeping an eye out for- talking to recruiters, planning the relocation, looking at houses etc.

What country is it?
We can't help you if you don't say the country.

I moved for my H, a transcontinental move. We both think it was a mistake, and are now of the firm view that if things are working really well, don't wreck it.

I think one thing to consider is if you make the move could you ever move back to the UK?

As awful as it is to think about, but how would you feel living in your home country once your parents are no longer around. Is that where you want to spend the rest of your life, or would you want to come back to the UK? Because by then your kids will - hopefully - be adults and you may then have grandchildren in that country you won't want to move away from.

I'm sorry things didn't work out as planned! May I ask what it was that didn't work out? Did you just not feel at home there, or were children unhappy etc.?

It's Austria. It is beautiful there, it truly is, and the quality of life is great, but I have always- even when I was a teenager- found the mentality quite closed off (despite having good friends there, to this day). I have always felt somehow more comfortable in the UK, and I have friends here from all over the world, and I find everyone much more polite.

Thank you. I am so very torn! It's also hard because it will be difficult to find a job for DH, and if he finds one, he really has to keep it because there likely won't be many others to switch to if you see what I mean.

Do you think you DH will really be happy in Austria OP? I don't think it's the easiest place to make friends. What about his parents? Are they in the UK and won't the same situation arise with them at some point. Also, he's going to be pretty stressed if he finds a job over there and is too terrified to lose it.

Thank you.
It is a fantastic nation and self-declared neutral country, which in these crazy times we live in, could be a massive plus.
It is a country who consistently ranks really high in the quality of life indices. A strong economy, high employment rates, sparsely populated, lovely landscapes...in the meantime the UK is going to the dogs thanks to Brexit.
For me it is a yes. Go for it!

It's Austria, just over 2 hours away on a flight, it takes me longer than that to drive to see my DPs in the UK! You are being massively unreasonable towards your husband and son. Your parents may never even need any help in the future.

Thank you for your viewpoint. Yes, it is a short trip. I am not BU towards them at all I don't think - I am thinking of all the plus points a previous poster has pointed out- great landscapes, sparsely populated, fantastic public services, which, in the long run, benefits all of us. Not to mention university education is free in Austria. Also swimming in the lakes, the quality of water and roads, etc. etc.

My DH gets on splendidly well with my parents and my friends over there. He also loves sports and would likely join a club. I totally agree though that Austria is not the easiest country to make friends.

With his parents, they have much more family over here than my parents have over there. His sister also lives near and is very involved in their lives.