Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

[notsurewhattodo11]

I have lived in the UK for the last 12 years, very happy with good job, nice are, husband and child.

The plan was always to move back to my own country but we are so settled now. I feel terrible for my parents though who live back there (they have a lovely life but miss us loads, plus my sister also lives abroad). It's a high income country with great services so it's not that they struggle, but I feel bad for being far away and I really feel the pressure to move soon if we do it at all as son is 6 years old now and wouldn't want to leave it much longer. At the same time I am really worried to leave our life here behind (that's if DH can even find a job there!) The country I would be moving though is, however, on the face of it, "better" in terms of public services, weather, and safety, so I do wonder if I am making a mistake by staying here (I love the UK and not trying to trash it at all by the way)

Make the leap and go or stay here??? AIBU for leaving, YANBU for going

We found it essentially impossible to get formal mental healthcare for our middle child in France. We tried the normal healthcare routes again and again, the resources were not easy to find and had huge long waiting lists. When we did finally meet with someone, we were either seen as hysterical or odd parents (me being a foreigner didn't help), or told that there was no problem (after a cursory meeting), or the doctor was so abrasive that DD refused to return. Once, when we mentioned the possibility of ND, we were told "that's an American disease". We felt really quite helpless. We ended up paying from our own pocket for years for DD to see a therapist every week. That therapist also essentially dismissed the possibility of ND - she said that DD's problems were from "too much screentime" - but seeing her did seem to help and soothe DD.

I've heard this from many many other parents here. Unless the kid is severely affected, there is no help to be found, and there is zero tolerance for your child's odd behaviour (in my DD's case, that was complete social rejection and withdrawal, and stimming).

If Austria is anything like France, I wouldn't recommend you to take your DS there.

Yes, as someone from continental Europe as well, I would be worried about this as well. I know everyone loves criticising the UK but from a school perspective and especially with help for help with learning difficulties and ND, there is no comparison. 100% stay for your son's sake.

It's a difficult thing being an immigrant and a parent. Because once you have children, obviously their needs take priority, and your choice is sort of taken away. Your homesickness and your parents' needs are way down the pecking order but the distance makes that a lot more obvious than if your parents were a 2 hour drive away.

Thank you for your reply! Aww he's this is tricky - the other side of the world is much more difficult to manage. Sending you a hug - I wish I had an answer on to what's best to do!

I can't believe they called it an "American disease", that's just awful!

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm actually really surprised that Germany (which I presume you're talking about) is not great at sen- Austria is very conservative in it's approach still and I'm afraid that they'll just not understand that my DS can't sit still and needs extra movement breaks. Or low and behold a fiddle toy! I think he'd still be a bit stigmatized over there. Wishing you and your family all the best.

We almost moved to France when my dc were 6 and 4. I had huge reservations about going as I worked as an au pair in France in the early 90s and was shocked at how rigid and "Victorian" the French school system was. Thank God we didn't move. My DS was later diagnosed with ADHD and I know it would have been horrific had he been at school in France. It wasn't great in the UK but it would have been far, far worse there. So I really can sympathise with what you have been through.

OP, I think your parents are close enough for you to visit. I would not give up your nice life now for the unknown.

I think you’d be crazy. You’d be making your lives much worse.

We moved back to our shared home country with our UK-born 7 year old after 25 mostly happy years in England, and it was still pretty psychologically tough, despite it being a joint decision, it bringing us close to both sets of parents, both speaking the language etc.

It is a fantastic nation and self-declared neutral country, which in these crazy times we live in, could be a massive plus.

History shows that 'self-declared neutral', or even 'guaranteed neutral by other countries' means absolutely zilch if someone comes along who has other ideas.

It's the other conservative one next door, but requires Hochdeutsch for school/academia. From my research (briefly considered moving there), provision in Germany is not much better and patchy too.

Good luck with your deliberations!

Surely the main issue is whether your husband could get a job there. If he can't then there's no point in even worrying about moving as you will not be able to.

It really isn't that easy unfortunately. First up Austria only has a couple of mayor cities and if we say moved to Vienna, we would still be 4 hours by car away from where I am from in the country, so almost pointless to do that (it's now a 1.45h flight) Otherwise opportunities in his field- very specialised science- are very few and far between.

Wow, Australia is a whole different ballgame! Hope it will all work out well for your friend.

Yes, that is very true. I think without a pay cut and a big commute, it will be very difficult

Ahhh I see! Thank you so much for your reply and good wishes. Wishing you all the best too.

Thanks for your reply. They are early to late seventies, but thankfully- touch wood- absolutely fighting fit, fitter than many 60 year olds! Of course, that could change quickly.

I think what would make it so much easier for me would be if they would come over more. But they only come once a year / every 1.5 years despite being retired and having the finances...

But are you really going to move your entire family to Austria just because your parents won’t/don’t travel to you often enough for your preference? It just doesn’t sound as if the move would be good for anyone, apart from you being able to see more of your parents. Is that one thing really enough reason to move a family which is otherwise happy where they are?

I mean, I know exactly what it’s like. I likewise lived a shorthaul flight from my parents for many years. But I would never have contemplated moving home had it not ultimately suited everyone. Even then, our 7 year old was heartbroken and homesick, as he’d only ever known an English villages and struggled with a ‘foreign’ city, loss of friends and a new language, and I struggled to find work. It put considerable stress on our marriage, despite it absolutely benefiting us noth.

Austria is more right wing than here.
Beautiful though.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

You have a good, happy life here. I don't understand why you would uproot your whole family on the off-chance that your DPs may one day need care. I'm guessing I'm older than you and my kids are teens. My DPs are still completely independent, they don't need help or care with anything and I can promise you that you see much more of your DPs now than I see mine, who live 2.5 hours away in the UK. Austria is so close that you can pop back and forth with ease, as your life demonstrates. There is no good reason for you to move, that I can see. Also, does your DH speak fluent German? It's really hard IME when moving to another country with another language to achieve the kind of fluency that makes life easy and high-paid work easy to get.

Have you posted about this before? Your post rings bells with me.

Having read your posts, it is a no-brainer for me. Your child has special needs which are better accommodated here than in Austria. I would have to put my child’s welfare and future over that of my parents every time I’m afraid. I don’t think you should go back to Austria.

Taking care of your parents is definitely something that should be in your consideration and plans. If your husband can get a good Jon there I think you should move back, if not , don't.

Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing your position as well- glad your parents are still fit and well- I suppose I am projecting and might be fearing the worst!

You are probably right in if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I suppose I could re-visit if this changes (touch wood it won't!)

No I haven't posted about this before, I am curious if I know the other Austrian person that did- there's not too many of us :)

Ohh, may I ask where you moved back to? Did you settle back in OK in the end? And was your child very homesick to start with?

Does the same sentiment apply to DH taking care of his parents?

When you marry outside of your own locality (where all parents live nearby) this issue is one of the consequences.

If ur husband finds a job, just go.
The pros outweigh the cons.
Travelling is fantastic and considering where ur going has great services, why would you even second guess yourself?

Oh dear....your opinion goes against the others ones and I'm finding all points really valid 🤣🤣

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. You can always move later if you have to. And by that stage, remote working may have further expanded such that your DH could at least semi-emigrate without leaving his current UK career. If you want to keep your options open though, you’ll need to keep your DS functionally bilingual. Which is worth doing anyway, because uni in Austria might make financial sense.