Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

[notsurewhattodo11]

I have lived in the UK for the last 12 years, very happy with good job, nice are, husband and child.

The plan was always to move back to my own country but we are so settled now. I feel terrible for my parents though who live back there (they have a lovely life but miss us loads, plus my sister also lives abroad). It's a high income country with great services so it's not that they struggle, but I feel bad for being far away and I really feel the pressure to move soon if we do it at all as son is 6 years old now and wouldn't want to leave it much longer. At the same time I am really worried to leave our life here behind (that's if DH can even find a job there!) The country I would be moving though is, however, on the face of it, "better" in terms of public services, weather, and safety, so I do wonder if I am making a mistake by staying here (I love the UK and not trying to trash it at all by the way)

Make the leap and go or stay here??? AIBU for leaving, YANBU for going

🤣
A balanced view

A decision for you and your DH i'm afraid.
I understand your wish to be nearer your parents as they age but like others have said, that may not be for many years.
Sorry but your DS6 views don't in my opinion really have weight - he will settle anywhere if he's outgoing.
My main point is that it will be easier when DS is younger - later you'll be further into the British school system, DS will have stronger friendships and he will develop stronger and more outspoken opinions!
That said, sounds like you have a good life here so if I were you I would want to make sure your quality of life wasn't going to be hugely impacted by any move.

@notsurewhattodo11 I’m in a nearly identical position but about ten years down the line. I’m afraid there isn’t an ‘easy’ answer that would tick all the boxes - you’ll need to accept a compromise, then focus on the positives of your choice.

My kids are now teens (11+ & GCSE years), my husband’s career is flourishing here in the UK, whilst I just lost mine to AI 😔both of our parents health is starting to fail & they need us around on both sides of the Channel. The bi-monthly mutual visits (in the neighbouring country to yours) which used to be simple 10y ago are becoming reality difficult to manage and, like you, I’m often feeling quite homesick now. My point is - life evolves and you’ll forever be asking yourself this question as our lives are forever split between two places we both love to live in, a thousand miles apart.

For now, I suggest you keep your options open & make whatever practical arrangements you can to be able to change if / when you need to:

1. visa: I assume post-Brexit you have IRL? If so, remember your settled status gets revoked if you leave the UK for more than 5y - so get your UK citizenship now, if you haven’t yet, to allow you to move in between the two countries in future without any limitations.

2. jobs: keep an eye on jobs for him in Austria - but also remote opportunities for you in the UK. The latter would allow you to spend some more meaningful time home with your parents without the big move now and perhaps help with the homesickness a bit

3. parents: I assume your husband is British? Please consider parents needs on both sides - which side would be more manageable at distance?

wishing you best of luck!

I’ll PM you. It’s five years on, I’m still on fixed-term contracts, and I would stay I’m still not quite here entirely. Yes, he was terribly homesick. One thing I’d completely underestimated was the impact on him of moving from a village where he knew everyone and everyone knew him, to a city.

I'd say you shouldn't make decisions based on 'what ifs' or the imagined, maybe never realised needs, of your family. Not all older people suddenly need care, your parents may live for 20 - 30 more years without needing support. In 10 years your son will be nearly grown up, in 20 he could be starting a family of his own or at least living independently. My philosophy is to base decisions on facts that you know of - when problems arise, you work out how to solve them. There doesn't seem to me to be any reason for you to leave the UK beyond a vague sense of obligation in the future. Especially as from the sound of it, you probably already spend more time with your parents than the average person.

I’ve just made this choice myself, and I chose to go.

It was a very hard decision, but I decided that, long-term, regrets over not spending time with my parents would be worse than regrets over leaving a job and community. I can try to find replacement job and community but never replacement parents. And the job and community would never miss me like my parents would.

It was difficult though. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I have nothing to add about changing countries but I did move quite far from my parents and my brother even further.

My dad is mid 80s now (mum deceased), he drives, he goes to church, he has fabulous neighbours and good friends.

He keeps up with the housework and my only worry is that he tends to eat ready meals. He can cook but I think it is too much faff for him.

So your parents may not need help

Austrua is a short cheap flight away . You can drive there or get a train too. It is not australia or dubai .
You really do not have to up and move back for your parents. They close by. Relatively.
If your dh has good job here why move unless he gers a good offer there? and what abput your job?

A difficult decision I think, also a now or perhaps in 12-15 years time when your DC finishes school. The job issue seems to me the main reason to stay put, and the schooling second.

I think if you do, then somehow you have got to work on your sister taking some responsibility for assisting your parents in later life should it become necessary.

Stay in the UK. Your parents have your sister there, don’t need you yet and you’re only 1.45hr flight away if there’s an emergency. That’s less time than it takes me to get to my parents in England from where I live in England.

Your husband isn’t fluent in the language, will find getting a job hard, may not be able to break into friendships etc

Your son has SEN which is not well provisioned in Austria and may be dismissed or maltreated during his education because of it.

Why even consider the move? You spend months at your parents home anyway! If something happened you could go over there and work there for a few weeks while helping set them up with a care system etc…