Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

[notsurewhattodo11]

I have lived in the UK for the last 12 years, very happy with good job, nice are, husband and child.

The plan was always to move back to my own country but we are so settled now. I feel terrible for my parents though who live back there (they have a lovely life but miss us loads, plus my sister also lives abroad). It's a high income country with great services so it's not that they struggle, but I feel bad for being far away and I really feel the pressure to move soon if we do it at all as son is 6 years old now and wouldn't want to leave it much longer. At the same time I am really worried to leave our life here behind (that's if DH can even find a job there!) The country I would be moving though is, however, on the face of it, "better" in terms of public services, weather, and safety, so I do wonder if I am making a mistake by staying here (I love the UK and not trying to trash it at all by the way)

Make the leap and go or stay here??? AIBU for leaving, YANBU for going

You have a good life
it is hard when your parents are far away but as a parent whilst yes, would rather DD lived close, I know it’s right she lives her life and I am glad she does

How old are your parents if you only have a 6 year old? They may not even need care until he is much older. I think it sounds like you go over plenty and it's not even that far away. It takes me longer to drive to London to see my DM!

Do your DH & DS speak your native language?

One thing that jumps out is that currently pretty much all your holidays are tied up with going to Austria.

So, two things.

One - that you all clearly love it otherwise you wouldn’t do that.

Two - that if you lived there you could go on holiday to other places.

Tying up holidays to always go back to the same place (do you stay with your parents the whole time you’re there, or do you visit other places?) seems to be not sustainable to me.

Not quite. So with my job I am in the very fortunate position that I can work from anywhere in the world and I often work in the summer, and my mum looks after DS. Then DH joins and we go on holiday to a different country 🙂

Ah, OK. Well, that will change in the future as your DS will want to spend more time with his friends (though probably not for some years yet!).

So do you and your DS spend quite a bit of the holidays not with your DH?

No, it's only 2 weeks in the summer where we don't see him. He's otherwise always with us apart from the odd one or two days

It was really hard. In the previous country, we had a cozy, genuinely happy, settled life with lots of friends and community connections that we had built up, where the kids were building their own connections, where we were both comfortable career-wise and financially, and public services etc were really accessible.

We went from that to a struggle life in a (top 8 GDP) country where the people are much more closed off and many seem miserable and depressed, the school system is old-fashioned, and every aspect of daily life was/is much more complicated (tax, healthcare, buying a house etc). Coming from the relaxed comfy previous country, the kids were not happy, and 15 years later, only the youngest, who was 2 when we came, has any affiliation with the country and community. The other two have fled the country as soon as they could. And we earn 3-4 times the national average wage together and we can't understand how people who earn less manage. We also essentially came to help my H's parents, FIL was ill, but the dysfunctional IL family politics were so awful that we all stopped seeing them 4 years in. Most pertinently, I struggled to find my footing careerwise, and as the person who did all of the family's emotional labour, I often felt like I was drowning in stress, and I was constantly exhausted.

So the move turned out to be a real sacrifice for me personally and professionally and even physically (I was underweight for years and ground my molars to pieces). And while it was easier for my H (being his stamping ground), he felt the consequences of the move on me keenly. He knows now what "happy wife, happy life" means.

So yes, we regret the move: we messed up. It definitely wasn't perfect in the previous country - the people are friendly and relaxed but also shallow and complacent - and there are certainly good, even great, things where we are now. But it was EASY to live in the previous country, and we were able to build an EASY and comfortable life for ourselves and our kids. That ease and comfort shouldn't be taken for granted. We did, and regret it.

Also, if the burden and sacrifice of such a move particularly affect one partner (me in our case), this can create a very deep resentment, especially when the other partner is less affected because for them it's just slotting back into their culture and homeland.

You've already mentioned one very serious problem, which is your H's job. If this move means that he has to sacrifice his career, or the move will diminish his opportunities, that is almost certainly going to become a massive friction point for him - and your marriage - over the long run. No matter how well-intended he feels now, how much he loves you, and how willing he is to embrace the new life, if he is the one who suffers while you thrive, that will create an emotional ulcer in the marriage.

You also mentioned that he gets along well with your family and friends in Austria. I did with my ILs too before we moved to be close to them - because before we moved, we were VISITING them. Once we started living here, it was an entirely different thing. I would never have guessed what was lurking behind that lovely kindly facade of my ILs.

Anyway, this is my perspective. I was also older than you, I think (40s), the move was much bigger (transcontinental), and had 3 kids ranging from 10 to 2, so maybe that made things harder. But still, I tell anyone who is considering such a big life-changing move to not take for granted the easy and comfortable life that they already have, and to weigh that up against the possible - but not guaranteed - advantages of moving to the new country.

My heart goes out to you- that sounds all very difficult! I hope that the future will be brighter and that maybe you can move away from there again, or is this not an option now?

I'm late thirties but the fact that my DS is an only child is worrying me as well in aspects of moving- I somehow think if he had siblings then they could lean on each other. Saying that he is very outgoing though so hopefully he'd be fine!

That's the thing, we live in a lovely community and have made many good friends with neighbours, etc, my son is so happy and settled and I am terrified I could mess this up for him.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I am very curious as to what the country you moved to is, but understand if you don't want to say!

You sound just like a friend of mine, from Oz, been here 12 years, married with 2 kids but loves it here.

Surely your husband can retrain / find work in your home country?

"I hope that the future will be brighter and that maybe you can move away from there again, or is this not an option now?"

We can't go back to previous country because then we'd be half the world away from our kids in our older age, which is just logistically unfeasible. And also we're now too scared to move again! :)

So we've had to make our peace with the move (and our stupidity). Life is decent now, after a good decade of serious grinding struggle.

"the fact that my DS is an only child is worrying me as well in aspects of moving- I somehow think if he had siblings then they could lean on each other. Saying that he is very outgoing though so hopefully he'd be fine!"

I think that having siblings did help our kids get through the tough moments, they are very close, even though they all live in different countries now. My middle child had the worst of it, she is ND and really struggled after getting to middle school because the country we live in doesn't understand ND and is pretty rigid about how children should behave. The later teenage years were pretty hairy, and my H and I often felt guilty, because it would definitely have been easier for her in previous country. But she's now at uni in a neighbouring country that does understand ND and she's slowly blossoming under the nurturing acceptance of the people around her.

"That's the thing, we live in a lovely community and have made many good friends with neighbours, etc, my son is so happy and settled and I am terrified I could mess this up for him."

You should also think about your own happiness. Don't take that for granted either. A happy mother makes happy children. I know my kids didn't get the happy relaxed me for a long time. I think my middle child may have felt that more acutely than the other two, and it impacted her sense of stability and safety, which made things even harder for her.

France :)

@notsurewhattodo11

I am in a similar position, but harder I think!

I’ve been in the UK 20 years, and we’d said we’d move to my home (NZ) for 2-5 yrs in a few years time. But I’m starting to feel desperate to settle. I always thought being in the UK was temporary until I met my partner 6 years ago so I’ve always felt a bit transient. And now we’re looking at schools for my son, and I can feel myself yearning to put down roots and stay put. I’m in my mid 40s, I don’t want to be 50 ish and having to do another huge move back here, worried about jobs (let’s face it 50 isn’t a great age to be unemployed). I want to see my son grow up with his friends, I don’t want to unsettle him, and I want to be able to see our future where we are. Also it’s going to be incredibly expensive to move like that twice.

On the other hand, my son is my parents only grandchild and they’re in their mid to late 70s. I know I could (would) regret not having this time with them. Visiting is really only feasible every two years and soon they will be too old to travel to us.

If you don’t move to Austria you can still spend quality time with your parents multiple times a year, finances allowing, it isn’t all or nothing. In your shoes, I’d probably stay if that’s what I wanted to do.

Does your DH speak German? I spent the most miserable year of my life in Vienna. I found the Austrians rude, interfering and unbearable, and almost impossible to make friends with, as they all had their established groups. I was offered a job there a few years ago, and went back to see if I felt that I could live there, given that it was 20+ years ago that I lived there. Nope. Still the same. It might be easy for you to settle back, but it might be a lot more difficult for him.

Unfortunately as an Austrian myself I have to say you are right that a lot of Austrians are incredibly unfriendly, and in Vienna even more so! I think it's because a lot of people never move anywhere, have the same childhood friends all their life, and don't change friendship groups later on. My DH speaks a bit of German but not loads. It would definitely be an adjustment to say the least

Oooh France! I had a different suspicion :-)

Which one did you think? Now I'm curious! :)

I thought Germany!

I can see how one might think that, from my description :)

No way. Do not ruin a wonderful life for your DH and DC for this. I say this as a fellow immigrant and I know how hard it is to miss home. Given your DH doesn't speak the language fluently and isn't sure he can even get a job, plus the ND needs for your DS....No way

Many similar dilemmas and questions on the Living overseas-board here on Mumsnet.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/living_overseas?page=9

The thing is as well, I think the UK is very good with ND at school and I am not sure Austria is very good with it...

We were/are in a near identical situation.

We moved back to the UK (where I'm from), leaving DHs home country when our DC was 3.5. We needed to change things, I wanted to make changes in DH home country, hecl wanted to move here. It was (superficially) a good time to do it - my parents quite old, DC not yet in school and we could still return in time for him to start school in DH home country if we wanted in three years time. Well, we started to settle in, then the pandemic hit, then we discovered DC had mild/moderate but complex ND.

Long story short, I would leave the UK for DH home country (we all speak each other's languages and have lived in both locations) were it not for my DC's ALN. Understanding of this and provision in schools is about 20 years behind the UK in his home country (neighboring yours). So while pay, healthcare, standard of living etc etc are MUCH better there, I cannot move atm due to DC schooling needs. This might change after GCSEs or A Levels, we will have to see.

I would be very very careful of blowing up a good situation because you are projecting into the future. Your parents might not want or need you to care for them. How old are they now? I would not put this burden on your DH or DS either. Is DS fluent in Hochdeutsch as well as your local Austrian dialect? We have (and continue to) invest heavily in time, money and effort in our DCs languages to keep his options open, but he would struggle to work to his intellectal ability in DH home language and dialect.

If you are all happy where you are, stay where you are is my advice! Cross the care bridge when you come to it. If you are really unhappy with the insecurity of not knowing (I can sympathise, I am like this), then spend some time finding out what systems you could put in place to ensure your parents are well cared for in their old age, and when the time comes, get your sister to pull her weight too!

Also, does DS attend German Saturday School? We live too far away from any classes, so DC attends online. I wish I had known about it when DC was your child's age, I only came across it a couple of years ago. I want to ensure DC can keep options open.

https://www.germanacademy.co.uk/

The other thing to be VERY careful of is your immigration status. If you leave for too many years, you will not be allowed to return under your old status. This is also a consideration for my husband. If you are happy/able to apply for British citizenship it might be worth considering, then you would have much more flexibility.