To not believe in “permission” as a concept?

[SelfIssuedPassport]

I’ve never been someone who waits to be told it’s okay. If I want to travel somewhere, change jobs, take a risk, I just do it. I’ll weigh things up, sure. But I don’t sit around waiting for permission from friends, family, partners, anyone. Life’s short.

Lately I’ve realised how uncomfortable that makes some people. A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone. Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job (for reference, I’m financially independent and not asking anyone for help).

I’m not saying I ignore people or don’t listen to advice, I just don’t believe you need a stamp of approval to live your life. I trust myself.

AIBU to think too many people waste time asking for permission when they should be backing themselves instead?

I think the travel thing is fine

But it depends on what your relationship with your partner is.

I cannot imagine quitting my job without discussing it with DH first. I do not depend on him financially but it would inevitably impact him/our life together, if not now then at some point in the future, & i respect his view on it.

I also think in some situations its about caring about other people's feelings.

Yanbu for the examples you've mentioned. It isn't anyone else's business where or when you go on holiday, assuming you aren't just going without booking annual leave or leaving kids at home unsupervised or something. Same with your job since your partner doesn't support you financially anyway

Your friend IBU

Does this include walking over other peoples opinions, or sexual relationships, or anything else that actually involves you considering how your actions impact others?

Really depends on your situation- eg kids/kids, partner/no partner. Whether it’s right to discuss things with your partner again depends on your set up but if you’re in any way financially connected Or making long term plans then yes, it’s sensible to have discussions. That’s nothing to do with asking permission.

I don't think talking to your partner to chat through the pros and cons of quitting your job is asking permission. It's just having a sounding board which mostly is helpful.

Nor do I think booking a trip is reckless in the least. It's a tad rude to your partner to book something without running it by them in case they have something else planned that involves you but again, that's just logistics and it being nice to chat about plans rather than asking permission.

In theory you’re right but many people’s lives don’t work like this. There are consequences to actions. Eg if I quit my job it would financially affect my family. If I booked a holiday I would need to make sure my kids and pets had someone to look after them.

You're so lucky. I always have to be given permission before travelling somewhere. Unfortunately I couldn't get through to my DH on the phone today and as a result couldn't go to Tesco's. I didn't have anything for dinner when he got home. He was mad but gave me permission to go to the chippy instead.

I'm all for independence! I was probably more spontaneous when younger. Now I'm older I either CBA or tend to weigh up things more to sense check if it's genuinely worth it. I sort of wish I was still as spontaneous but there's more of an energy cost to it now. I also have ADHD and am aware that I can sometimes sleep walk into things...trying to be more cognisant about the bigger decisions now.

My DH quit his job without talking to me. He argued he was fed up, needed a break and I should naturally be backing him. I said fine, but that it was unfair to leave me as the only one working, and the one carrying all the mental load. In reality, he never went back which left me in charge of everything. I might have some sympathy if you were very wealthy and retirement made on difference to longer term prospects, but in reality, this is usually not the case. Pensions are impacted by one party quitting early and joint retirement income is reduced.

You don’t actually need ‘permission’ for the things you’ve referenced, so why do you frame it as such? I’m sure you’d agree that permission in sexual relationships is a valid concept.

Why not just say you’re strongly independent, which is more accurate?

Not at all. I meant permission around my own life choices, not ignoring other people’s boundaries. If something affects someone else directly (like consent, commitments, shared plans or decisions that impact them), of course their input matters. I was talking about decisions that don’t rely on anyone else, like travel, career choices or personal goals, where some people still feel they need approval before acting.

Whether Yabu depends on what responsibilities you have doesn’t it?! Obviously you’d be reckless and irresponsible if you had a family, mortgage and just booked a trip away without asking for ‘permission’ and quit your job without consulting with your family. If you have limited responsibilities and only need to worry about yourself then that’s fine!

Why would you ask permission in the circumstances you describe? It seems daft to say you don't believe in the concept of permission. Surely you can see that others are in different circumstances so may need 'permission' to do those things?

I live by “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission”. Mind you I rarely ask for forgiveness.

Not a problem doing things without asking permission if that's how you like to do things. But probably selfish in that you are not considering the effect your actions are having on the people around you - such as your partner.
Even if you are financially independent - springing stuff on people when they may already have made or were considering a social event, activity or holiday with you smacks of ignorance and possibly rudeness. But you do you - but don't be surprised when they aren't around when you need them for something.

So you're basically saying in situations where permission isn't necessary you don't ask for it? Erm ok. Why would you??

In the examples I gave permission isn’t literally required. That’s actually my point - a lot of people still treat personal decisions as though they need someone else’s sign-off, even when they technically don’t. I use the word permission because it captures that social dynamic, not because I think consent or shared decisions are the same thing. Strongly independent is fair, I just meant the way some people feel uncomfortable when you act without checking in first.

Responsibilities change the equation. If I had dependents or shared financial commitments, it would be a different story.

I meant more that in my current situation, where my choices only affect me, people still react as though independent decisions are somehow rebellious or irresponsible. I agree that context matters, I just don’t think adulthood automatically requires clearing every personal decision with others.

Some people have responsibilities or shared commitments that require discussion or agreement. My point was really about my situation - people reacting as though I should ask permission even when the decision only affects me. I’m not saying permission never exists, just that some people expect it in contexts where it isn’t actually needed.

It should be obvious but you’d be surprised how many people still expect you to ‘check in’ or get validation for choices that only affect you. I was commenting on that mindset, not suggesting permission is needed in those situations.

Surely of he'd booked something that involved her he should've told her before booking it

This is something I really struggled with as a teenager in school, I HATED that I couldn’t make my own decisions and I could not understand why I couldn’t take control of my own life. As a result I was badly behaved in school - teachers didn’t know what to do with me cause I was awful but got good grades which was unusual.

My parents said I was horrific from 13-16.

The minute I left school and went to college and had a part time job - basically was responsible for myself and earning my own money and had more independence I was fine.

Obv looking back I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to make my own decisions but god did it make me angry!! I rebelled badly

It does sound like your life is unusually separate from other adults. Holiday plans, career plans, “risk taking” - for most people these would impact on others, so it’s not always “permission” but making sure if you are making a decision that effects someone else you’ve discussed it with them.

Travel, even solo travel, will usually effect your partner if it means you can’t also afford to do a joint trip, or you have less holiday allowance meaning joint trips have to be shorter (so shorter haul).

Changing jobs if you have joint finances can effect your partner, or if you have DCs so changing work hours /shifts effect childcare etc.

Also what you view as “permission” for a lot of people, is often telling it through with your loved ones so you can hear their opinion to help you make a decision.

OP I do think you are taking the perfectly normal approach of talking through major decisions with someone you trust to mean you must ask their permission. Getting someone else’s opinion doesn’t mean you have to abide by their decision, it’s normal to ask those who care about you what they think/what would they do/ which option you should take when you are at the making a decision time.

However- if you have family members who have always treated being asked for their opinion as you giving them the right to make the decision (then getting annoyed if you make a different decision to theirs) then your approach of not telling them anything until after you’ve made the change and it’s too late to voice an opinion makes sense.

The examples you give don’t strike me as someone asking permission. It seems to be more that they’re chatting options through with someone.

And maybe you’re making an assumption where you claim your approach makes them uncomfortable? Are you perhaps over analysing?