To not believe in “permission” as a concept?

[SelfIssuedPassport]

I’ve never been someone who waits to be told it’s okay. If I want to travel somewhere, change jobs, take a risk, I just do it. I’ll weigh things up, sure. But I don’t sit around waiting for permission from friends, family, partners, anyone. Life’s short.

Lately I’ve realised how uncomfortable that makes some people. A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone. Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job (for reference, I’m financially independent and not asking anyone for help).

I’m not saying I ignore people or don’t listen to advice, I just don’t believe you need a stamp of approval to live your life. I trust myself.

AIBU to think too many people waste time asking for permission when they should be backing themselves instead?

I think you’re in a unique situation for an adult woman in that you don’t have any dependents and it sounds like you don’t have a partner with whom you have financial commitments. Of course you wouldn’t ask permission for any of those things!

Dh and I do check with each other that it’s okay to travel or make big purchases (new car) or go away for a night or change jobs. Because we have children who need a parent around and we live together and share financial and practical responsibilities that we both need to look out for.

Don’t know any grown ups who ask permission from their mums or their friends if they can get a new job or go on holiday though.

What a load of twaddle. If you don't understand the concept of permission then you cannot entrusted with authority.

when people say run it by someone doesn't mean asking for permission, as a previous poster said i think you're over analysing

Ah yes, your post makes sense now OP. I agree- I think you are seeing something (eg asking for permission) that isnt there at all. You are conflating discussing something with someone with asking for permission. Not the same thing at all.

When you say: That’s actually my point - a lot of people still treat personal decisions as though they need someone else’s sign-off, even when they technically don’t

I dont recognise this at all, as PP have said, I dont know of a single person who asks for someone else to "sign off" where they are going on holiday or what job they should apply for. Quite the opposite actually- in my experience, people do what they want to do and wont be swayed. I dont think your stance is quite as unique as you assume it is.

@didntlikeanyofthesuggestionswas your comment serious? If so, please know this isn’t normal and it’s abuse. You shouldn’t need permission to leave the house to go to the supermarket. It would be worth a call to Women’s Aid as I imagine they’ll be more abusive behaviour.

if you were being sarcastic then please ignore the above. I just couldn’t ignore it in case you were serious!

It all depends on exactly what the decision you are making is and what the fall out will be on those around you if it all goes wrong.

You cannot apply a single over-riding rule "I do not need permission". Life is too complex for that.

That’s hardly ‘unique’, though. Lots of women don’t have dependent children, either because they don’t have children, or because their children have grown up and left, and I can think of many, many women who don’t share finances with their partner. Unless you’re actively bringing up dependent children ina shared household, surely there’s no need to merge finances?

To permission is what you get in work or school to do certain things out of the ordinary. Like you had permission to take a longer lunch, or to stop working on a spreadsheet and paint the conference room purple.

It isn't just discussing life choices with loved ones and finding out how they feel about it, or what they might do in the same circumstances. There are certain things I just wouldn't do because they would inconvenience and upset people I care about.

There's a well known comedy sketch in which two old Scottish guys are chatting, and one mentions running out of dog food, and feeding the dog with cat food instead.

Cue tones of amazement and wonder from his friend. 'Cat food? Tae a dug? Are you allowed to dae' at'??

We always laughed at that but even as an adult I feel like a criminal when I make a cake with three medium eggs not two large ones, or decide in gym class that I don't like burpees so I'll do jumping jacks instead.

I also wear sandals right up until I get too cold for it, I had them on last week. They're my feet and it's my decision.

My favourite saying is 'they haven't made it illegal yet'.

I mean I run any major decisions past DH because I'd want him to do the same for me. But I don't run everything by family or friends. I very much do what I want and that includes a lot of travelling. My mum considers it a waste of money and my friends raise their eyebrows at some of the places I go but I wouldn't let that stop me.

I value the opinions of others, so will often discuss things I'm considering with them. I don't consider my own decision-making to be the be all and end all. I trust and value the views and validation of others, and sometimes find they can really help hone and improve my own plans.

It's not permission-seeking. It's just normal human interaction.

A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone

You aren't reckless for booking the trip without telling anyone. You should at least tell someone when you are actually going on the trip so that people don't worry about you when you've disappeared for 3 weeks without mentioning it.
Also, I do think these things should be discussed with a partner before booking, not in a sense of asking for permission, but just checking how your individual plans match up so that you both now what's going on.

Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job (for reference, I’m financially independent and not asking anyone for help)

If you're financially independent and not living together then it's up to you what you do, but really you should keep your partner in the loop by at least mentioning it beforehand. If you live in the same house then I think your partner should be more involved in the decision making process because even if you are contributing 50:50, you quitting your job might later on have a knock-on effect on household finances.

But I don't think these are things that need "permission". Permission is more like things like taking extra holiday from work, or taking particular weeks off, or permission to leave early to attend a medical appointment etc.

If you had children or other caring responsibilities you'd need to check with others if they were able to take on those responsibilities for you so that you could go on holiday.

I think you're in a position where these things don't apply to you so you can do what you like. Others can't but it's not about "permission"

I’ve voted YABU. It very much depends on your situation though. If my partner (the breadwinner) wanted to quit his job and book himself a holiday, leaving me at home with our two year old I would want him to ask my permission. We used to just keep eachother informed of our plans but once you have children you have to ask for permission off eachother for quite a lot!

I don’t disagree with anything you’ve been saying OP, and in my life what you are saying is perfectly normal and uncontroversial.

I think this perhaps could be an issue that is specific to your own upbringing / social group? The permission-asking / chastisement for not checking with people is not something I recognise at all.

Are you very young? If you are, that might explain why you’re getting these responses from people.

The OP has neither children nor shared finances though so irrelevant

You just sound selfish, quite honestly.

Yes that’s why I said it depends on circumstances. But to not believe in it as a concept full stop, is unreasonable in my opinion. Most of us are accountable to someone if our life, as much as we would like to be free spirits.

Well seeing as neither of the examples you gave require anyone’s permission (assuming you’re single abd have no children), I’m not sure what point you’re making?

I’m pretty sure if you were married with 3 children you wouldn’t just book a solo trip or quit your job without discussing it with your husband first?

😆😆😆

You don’t not believe in it, you just don’t want to ask for it. But your examples aren’t about permission anyway.

On the surface it seems weird to claim booking a solo holiday is reckless - unless there’s more. But I would certainly run that and the job thing by my other half.

I don’t ask permission, but I do seek people’s thoughts, advice, perspectives. Certainly when it impacts them, but even when it doesn’t. Because I’m not the only one with good ideas.

@JamesClyman "You cannot apply a single over-riding rule "I do not need permission". Life is too complex for that."

Yes, it is. No man (or woman) is an island.

I think you are correct in that you don't have to ask permission. But also think that its necessary to think about the consequences of your actions on those around, and that can often not be known until a conversation is had (which would seem like asking permission but isnt).

There are a lot of threads on mumsnet where a husband does something without consulting his wife first and the husband is rightly rounded on.

I never understand why people come on to ask if its ok to get a personal number plate, if you want one, get one. If you want to use fabric softener, use it. You dont need permission from anyone to make these decisions so I get where you are coming from.