To not believe in “permission” as a concept?

[SelfIssuedPassport]

I’ve never been someone who waits to be told it’s okay. If I want to travel somewhere, change jobs, take a risk, I just do it. I’ll weigh things up, sure. But I don’t sit around waiting for permission from friends, family, partners, anyone. Life’s short.

Lately I’ve realised how uncomfortable that makes some people. A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone. Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job (for reference, I’m financially independent and not asking anyone for help).

I’m not saying I ignore people or don’t listen to advice, I just don’t believe you need a stamp of approval to live your life. I trust myself.

AIBU to think too many people waste time asking for permission when they should be backing themselves instead?

I don’t mind talking things through with people. I meant that some people frame those conversations as needing approval rather than simply sharing plans. I’ve noticed a real difference between “that’s exciting, tell me more” and “you should’ve run that by someone first.” My post was about that mindset, not about normal conversations.

Well he might have something planned but not booked.

It's still not asking permission by saying "I fancy going to Oslo for 4 days in May so I won't be around from the 9th". and both checking if that clashes with anything and generally involving a partner by just chatting about stuff going on

Perhaps you should have titled your thread "I like me", eh @SelfIssuedPassport 😉

I don’t ask my husbands permission for anything, but he’s my husband for a reason - we talk everything important through. It wouldn’t be right for me not to discuss decisions that affect him.
Usually it’s not about asking permission, but finding the most effective or safe way to do something.

Oh, it’s you again

Well if he'd planned something ON HER BEHALF even if not booked then surely he'd have mentioned it

Agree your example is not asking permission

I am hoping you are joking?!

Having a vague idea about doing something together that you haven't got round to booking yet because you haven't discussed it yet isn't booking on someone's behalf. That's what I'm describing.

A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone. Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job I don't think people are saying you need 'permission'. It sounds like they might think you're making unwise or hasty decisions and are trying to suggest you could do to think your choices through a bit more.

Some people are more impulsive than others. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not.

There's a spectrum between spontaneous and reckless, just as there is a spectrum between thoughtful and constrained. Only you know where you and your friends are.

I don’t disagree with you in principle but I think l that there’s another interpersonal aspect to sharing decision making, that makes people feel important and significant to each other.

I admire your decisiveness, fearlessness and independence but I would probably be a bit hesitant to get close to you if I knew you irl.

I really don’t understand this thread at all. Even if you have no commitments or responsibilities, you still sometimes need to tell someone your plans so that they know whether or not to send the mountain rescue to look for you, or to check you’re not lying on your kitchen floor with a broken leg when nobody’s seen you for a few days. That’s not asking permission. It’s being considerate. It’s all a bit “I’m a free spirit, me. I beat my own drum.”

If you are being serious, please know that this is abuse and there is help available x

(deleted, changed my mind)

There's a difference between 'asking permission' and 'allowing others the opportunity to comment on choices you make that affect them' which I think you are missing, OP.

Much depends on your circumstances, but in your example of travelling, if you go away for an extended period and have a partner, of course that might affect them - they might have had plans for that period that included you! It isn't 'asking permission' to discuss your mutual plans and agree what will work best for both of you.

If you have no shared finances or shared responsibilities (e.g. children, pets) then there is absolutely nothing to stop you being a completely free spirit, but bear in mind that some people might be hurt if you don't at least keep them informed and show some awareness that your decisions might affect them, even if you don't let that impact what you do.

Consultation and discussion is not asking for permission. Don't confuse the two.

Permission is one thing but when you're part of a family you can't just go somewhere or do things unilaterally if it affects other people.

So it's not so much permission but more a variety of courtesy.

I don’t actually think you need to consult with anyone if it doesn’t affect them. I do think if you have shared financial responsibilities then you should consult a partner. Solo travel should be up to you if you aren’t leaving someone else with more work because of your absence (kids, pets).

I actually don’t think this is in any way an abnormal way to function. But equally I don’t think it’s weird to say to your partner “I’m planning to book a week away on xy&z dates”. I do think some people are more fiercely independent than others and they should be allowed to crack on and others can decide of they are ok with that.

YANBU but only just. I don't see the problem with travel especially that it had nothing to do with your friends.
I am surprised that you did not discuss quitting your job with you DP even though you are independent. My DP and I have separate finances but I did discuss my early retirement with them. It was 3 years earlier than planned due to I'll health. We are both now retired early. Horses for courses. You have spirit and some people can't deal with that.

Not to ask permission but to communicate. Communication is extremely important and is part of the fabric of any relationships.

Oh well if it's at a vague idea stage then it's not a plan and any of her plans she does make don't affect it. Already made plans will always take priority over a vague idea.

If you and your partner were financially interdependen or it had the potential to impact on shared children, then people might have a point.

Otherwise it’s none of anyone else’s business.

I don’t understand this at all. It’s not my experience even a little but that adults are asking other adults for permission to go on holiday or change job beyond the ordinary booking annual leave, checking care for pets/kids is covered, checking scheduling clashes and finances and having normal conversations. Most adults have several job/career changes and many holidays. These are completely normal things to do. Who do you ask permission from?
I think what’s less normal, particularly for women, is quitting a job or going on holiday without telling a living soul. In fact, I think it’s quite rude to disappear without telling people you are close with how long you will be gone for and it’s certainly disrespectful within a married couple to fuck off without saying or to suddenly stop contributing to joint income without any communication but I doubt anyone than uncommunicative would be in a close relationship.

I don’t ask DH’s permission for anything (unless I’m using joint money), but I do think that if you are in a relationship it is considerate to mention you are doing things before you book them.

Pre-kids we used to take a lot of separate holidays (different interests) and I always used to mention I was booking them in case he did actually want to come, or wanted to do something else together. So yes, the travelling I would have mentioned to my partner in advance.

I think we have different understanding of the word permission.

It's just so unnecessarily aggressive. I'm not saying anything takes precedence or anyone should drop a plan they already have for someone else's plan they haven't proposed but it's normal and polite to discuss it in case of any potential clashes.