To not believe in “permission” as a concept?

[SelfIssuedPassport]

I’ve never been someone who waits to be told it’s okay. If I want to travel somewhere, change jobs, take a risk, I just do it. I’ll weigh things up, sure. But I don’t sit around waiting for permission from friends, family, partners, anyone. Life’s short.

Lately I’ve realised how uncomfortable that makes some people. A friend told me I’m “reckless” for booking a solo trip without telling anyone. Another said I should’ve “run it by” my partner before quitting my last job (for reference, I’m financially independent and not asking anyone for help).

I’m not saying I ignore people or don’t listen to advice, I just don’t believe you need a stamp of approval to live your life. I trust myself.

AIBU to think too many people waste time asking for permission when they should be backing themselves instead?

Well it's not really aggressive. I told my DP months ago I was going away for Xmas. The only way it would've affected him is making alternative Xmas arrangements ( we generally spend it together)

So what's to " discuss"

I don’t discuss things with people for permission, but for input, opinions. My DP is the same.

I think your attitude is quite odd unusual op.

Hyper independence is a trauma response.

Sorry I dont get your point- you say you dont ask for permission for things that dont affect others - well yeah, you dont need to in those cases do you? Why would anyone need permission to do something that only affects them.

I have a family/kids so I cannot just take off on holiday whenever I want because it would affect my children, it's not about permission, it's about my responsibilities. If I really wanted a weekend away with my friend for example I would talk to my DH about when he could be at home so I could go, thats not asking for his "permission", its merely sorting out suitable plans.

If your decisions genuinely affect no-one else, then crack on.

I find that almost every choice I make affects my family in some way, so we always discuss things but with the objective of making something work, rather than finding reasons something shouldn’t happen.
Even if a choice of mine wouldn’t affect others, I’m genuinely inclined to talk about the decision before taking it in case there’s something I haven’t thought about or considered, and generally just to be open and communicative.

Horses for courses.

Well what have you benefited from in your own life from people who dont think like you?

You are saying all this and it is very 'me me me!' But we dont all live with our head up our own backsides, our decisions and others do affect each other on occasions

Most of us do not live in a hermetically sealed bubble, so the decisions we make do affect others, however small.

For example, you say you are financially independent so didn't need to tell your partner you are quitting your job. What if something had prevented you working longer term and you came to rely on his income?

You are not beholden to anybody OP, I like your attitude! If you want to go go somewhere on holiday alone, get a different job, sleep with your sexy colleague who is a newly arrived Doctor from Nigeria, then your friends or your husband should have no say, they don’t own you.

We only live once as they say!

I feel you are mixing up permission. This means having to ask someone if you can do something. With communication.

I have been with dh 37 years I would not quit my job (unless extreme circumstance where I would be calling him directly after) without speaking with him prior. By talking to him I often see perspectives I had not seen on my own. Sometimes this has meant I have chosen to do something different to what I orginally planned. As his suggestion was a better fit. Other times I have stuck w my original idea and yet other times we have found a 3rd option through talking.

At no point do I need his permission but I value him in my life and I vslalue his input.

To me booking a holiday without having any sort of communication with my partner is dismissive of my key relationship.

Im going away with business next week. The moment I had the dates I communicated this to dh. Not for his permission but gor him to be aware I would be away then. Its repsect for key people in my life in my opinion.

I have gone on holiday without dh. I always check if there are any reasons why I shouldn't go then. Not for his permission but because we are a partnership and perhaps I have forgotten something he needs support eith during the time I plan to be away.

(These days I also need him to look after the dog but dog is only 6 so that is a later year addition)

Communicating your intent is not the same as asking permission. Also communication is how your relationship flourishes. I don't understand why you would bypass that.

Communicating your intent is not the same as asking permission. Also communication is how your relationship flourishes. I don't understand why you would bypass that.

Yes, and also, when decision making- sometimes I make them immediately on my own, other times I might ask other people I trust for their opinions on it. This does not mean I require their approval for me to go ahead with it, it means I am perhaps unsure and want another perspective so I can decide with a better awareness. Sometimes it can be really helpful to have someone outside of the decision to point out aspects you may not have considered.

OP sounds like my partner whereby 'talking things through or talking about plans' is equated in his head with 'asking for permission'

He is rude and selfish at times and it doesnt give way to great connection. A life when you share with people is usually where you talk about stuff and make arrangements together, even if its about planning to do something so I wont be around or this needs to be different now because Im doing this or not doing that

I wouldn’t call it permission, more “validation”. If you’re making a decision which affects others, then they should be consulted. There are many threads on MN moaning about people who haven’t done this.

Maybe you just have terribly cautious friends?

Do you see yourself as some kind of wild rebellious maverick?

It just reads as perfectly normal behaviour to me. No idea why anyone would react the way you think they do.

In almost all your posts you’ve mentioned “people” who are telling you that you need permission to do basic stuff. Who are these people? I don’t think the thing is that you are super independent, it’s that you have these mysterious people in your life that other people don’t have. It’s not normal for people to tell off adults for not getting permission to go on holiday.

I was talking about decisions that don’t rely on anyone else, like travel, career choices or personal goals, where some people still feel they need approval before acting

You honestly can’t think this is something specific to you. Unless peoples travel plans are to a terrorist training camp or a solo hike through the poppy fields of Helmand or the career choices are to profit from the sex trafficking industry or to be a drug dealer then the dynamic you are describing is not typical imo. Who’s approval do you need?

when people say run it by someone doesn't mean asking for permission, as a previous poster said i think you're over analysing.

I would tell tell partner "oh i'm thinking of doing a solo trip" "i'm going to hand my resignation in" it's more of a notifying out of respect.

We don't need each others permission (we have kids so yes we do now) but before kids i quit a job and he went on holidays we just told each other and spoke to each other as that's what you do in a healthy relationship.. wasn't looking for permission or validation it's just sharing your train of thought.

The aggressiveness was in saying these plans take precedence. End of discussion. It just sounds unnecessarily combative to me.

I'm going away for a weekend soon. I discussed it before booking in as much as saying "I'm going to X to see Y soon. Thinking about these dates". Not to ask permission but just in case there was something else DH might have planned or a clash I didn’t know about. Not that if he had vague plans I would necessarily change mine but just making normal communication. Because there might be something that made me want to change the dates I'd originally picked.

I hope this is ironic.

So @OP you would be happy if your DP didn't come come from work and had booked himself a 4 month holiday in Jamaica without telling you because you don't agree in discussing plans beforehand?

I think you're conflating permission with discussion.

I recently changed careers. Before I made the change I discussed it with my husband. I wasn't seeking his permission, but we share a life.

A career change meant my schedule would change so our shared schedule would need adjusting, it meant my mental energy would be occupied differently for a few months which could impact him, it meant financial changes because my paydays would be different and there would be a gap between my previous job and my new one paying me.

At no point was I asking his permission to change careers, I was just collaborating with him on what that means for us as a couple. It's about acknowledging that I'm not an island and my choices can and do impact him. Respect not subservience.

You need to run things like quitting a job by those you share a life with. I am all for independance, but.... you are detached, which is not the same as independant.
Solo trip, well..... did you talk about it with your partner? Children, if you have any? Family members that you see frequently? Or just disappeared into the sunset and they found out you were there when they call you for a chat or to ask where were you?

Something in the way you’re talking reads to me like the “you don’t owe anyone anything” attitude that I see online a lot.
It seems normal for a young adult asserting their independence but later these people aren’t contributing to making the kind of society I want to live in. I think we do all owe each other consideration. It’s lots of small bits of consideration. So I wonder about this OP
“commitments, shared plans or decisions that impact them”

Do you not have any commitments or shared plans with your partner? Do their decisions never affect you? Your friends’ choices never affect you? It sounds lonely.

@SelfIssuedPassport have you ever thought about this? I am very independent and have married someone very independent (classic boarding school mentality,i rebel against being over controlled) but to be in true partnership with someone is about approaching life together and considering how our decisions affect each other. Its not about seeking permission from each other in the sense that you seem to view it. I agree that many women historically were under their partners thumb and didn't have the agency to make independent decisions but that has changed with independent careers and earnings...but doesnt mean to say we should throw the baby out with the bathwater.

You don’t mean permission, because what you’re describing is whether or not you have the agreement of those you mention. There are, nevertheless, other situations in life where one requires permission to do or not do something. So yes, permission as “a concept” exists whether you like it or not.

Obviously you can do what you want without the agreement of friends, family and partner. And have done so. Your question therefore is pointless.

If you wish to live your life doing what you want, when you want and ignoring the thoughts and opinions of those closest to you, then that’s up to you.

You’re not talking about permission, but consultation. I don’t ask anyone’s permission for anything (that I can think of) but I do consult people who I think might be affected by my plans such that they might need to adjust their own.