to think my bf shouldn't stay in hotels after nights out with work?

[FoundLove]

We're both 50+ and I am pretty fed up with the partying scene myself. Don't get me wrong, I still like going out and having a drink and seeing my friends. I love game nights at friends' houses etc. My partner and I have been together for 2 years now. He is a salesman in the plumbing business. His clients and his boss expects him to take clients out all the time - meals, booze-ups, holidays and parties. I understand it's a job, but I do wish he wouldn't. I feel like he's prioritising nights out instead of me. He also stays in hotels after these events, when I feel that he could be taking a train home (a bit earlier) so that he can wake up with me. AIBU?

How often does he stay in a hotel?

Maybe he is doing you a favour by not coming home bladdered, even if he’s not waking up next to you.

Can't see a problem tbh.

Sounds sensible to me. I’d probably go and have a night in the hotel with him

How often are these nights out?

I don't see it as an issue really. Sounds sensible.

why wouldn't he stay overnight on occasion? save trying to get back home in the middle of the night and coming in the house in the wee hours?

YABU, what is the need to be together all of the time? Surely the advantage to starting a relationship in your 50s is that you can be a bit more relaxed and give each other more space as your lives are already so established?

You sound a bit needy OP if I'm honest

You sound a bit needy OP if I'm honest

Much better you dont want drunk disorderly turning up at 3 am
Areange your own overnights too

I would much rather DH had a hotel room booked after a work night out than either have to leave the night early or risk missing the last train home.

If it's a condition of his job then you can either accept that or decide that it's incompatible with your expectations and break up. How doe DP feel about the work evenings?

Doesn’t sound like he’s “prioritising night outs” instead of you, it just sounds like he’s doing his job and the expectations that come with that, presumably it’s not every night.

I think if this is his job and how he has been since you met, you're a bit unreasonable to expect him to change his work and social life to suit you. Working in Sales, it's a normal part of the job to entertain clients. Why do you have a problem with him staying in a hotel after a late night out? You're both mature adults and unless you don't trust him for some reason, I think you have to accept that this is his choice.

Are you sure you are compatible ? It seems you want very different things.

being in a relationship with someone for whom late nights and entertaining are part of the job and wanting them to come home early to spend more time with you sound sound very compatible to me.

YABU

you cant change what he does, you can only have impact on if you accept it.

You might want his to do something, you might tell him you want him to do something, but you cant make him want to do something. You can only decide if what he does is what youre happy to accept - and if you're not, what will you do about it? Accept it or not?

Its his life, if he prioritises nights out, then you may not be compatible in what you're after. Whether you accept that he doesnt prioritise you or whether you end the relationship is up to you.

Well just because you're fed up with partying doesn't mean he has to be.

I think more context is important. 3 times a week? Yeah that's a piss take and not a proper relationship. Twice a month ? Not really a big deal, especially if it's the way his job has always been and you're now changing the parameters of what's acceptable in a relationship.

Of course, you're entitled to say the relationship isn't working for you at any point, but to unilaterally decide that something that has always been acceptable, isn't anymore, is unreasonable.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I get it. I am being unreasonable.
I have thought about it, and I think I am jealous. Let me give some more background though:
We met in a pub when he was out with clients. He was single, I was single. He was very confident and forward. In the time we have been together we have been out on many occasions together. Once, I met up with him and clients after they had been on a 24-hour bender. The clients told me that he had been chatting to a woman all night. We went to a club, he bought us drinks and then proceeded to give my drink to a random woman in the bar. On another occasion we were out with another couple and he proceeded to take a woman's hand and ask her how her night was going.
I have of course brought this up with him and he says I have nothing to worry about as he wouldn't risk what we have for a fling with someone else.
On top of this he left his first girlfriend (the mother of his eldest) for a woman he met on a cruise. This woman became his wife. He left her for a ten-year younger woman who he moved in with and had a child.
That child is now 6. He lives in another town every other week as he has joint custody of his daughter. The other week he's with me and stays in my apartment. He doesn't go on work do's when he has his daughter so it's only on "our weeks".
This is looong. Am I still being unreasonable? I guess. I just wanted to give the whole picture.
WE ARE compatible. I have NEVER met anyone like him. I love him to bits.

Now if you'd said all that in the OP. You don't trust him, he's shown himself to be a cheater. Why bother!? He's disrespectful (saying you've got nothing to worry about while his history speaks for itself) and will be off to his next woman as soon as he's bored with you.

You AREN'T compatible. That doesn't mean you don't enjoy each other's company etc just that your lifestyles don't really align. You are jealous but he has a track record of being a cheat and not exactly a record of commitment so being jealous is a gut reaction. Trust it.

So your issue isn't actually that he stays at hotels but that he's a massive flirt and you don't trust him? Probably should've put that in your main post.

WE ARE compatible. I have NEVER met anyone like him. I love him to bits
he’s a man who has cheated multiple times, flirts with women even in front of you.
his job or staying in hotels is such a none issue compared to your last post, he could come home every night and he’d likely still be a PoS who’s on the look out for the next woman. If that’s compatible for you? Have at it 🤷‍♀️

You can’t keep him faithful by locking him up op. And it feels like the issue here is you’re insecure and don’t trust him, so want him home. If he’s going to cheat, demanding he comes home isn’t going to stop that.

you need to understand if this is a you problem or a him problem. If it’s you, get some help, if it’s him, end it.

OP, I think you’re mixing two things, the important part here is that you don’t trust him. This is something to address, we can’t tell whether or not this is justified, but I think that it will destroy your relationship eventually (with or without him staying in hotels after a night out).

Dh never comes home after work nights out. I cannot be asked with that. I like my sleep and I’m not being woken up in the middle of the night. He’s the boss and the one paying for everything so he can’t just come home early. That happens about 2x a year though.

Realistically, it sounds like you have met someone who is still out partying and clubbing in his 50s and that’s not your lifestyle. It certainly wouldn’t be mine. It sounds like you simply aren’t compatible and this just isn’t worth the drama.

Hmmmmm. Communist Party anthem on a loop.

You are being needy, it won't work