to think my bf shouldn't stay in hotels after nights out with work?

[FoundLove]

We're both 50+ and I am pretty fed up with the partying scene myself. Don't get me wrong, I still like going out and having a drink and seeing my friends. I love game nights at friends' houses etc. My partner and I have been together for 2 years now. He is a salesman in the plumbing business. His clients and his boss expects him to take clients out all the time - meals, booze-ups, holidays and parties. I understand it's a job, but I do wish he wouldn't. I feel like he's prioritising nights out instead of me. He also stays in hotels after these events, when I feel that he could be taking a train home (a bit earlier) so that he can wake up with me. AIBU?

Ok from your second post it's clear he just moves from one person to the next. no wonder you don't trust him.

He's 50 plus living like a 20 year old - why would you want someone like that? You'll never trust him, never be able to trust him and are always going to be miserable.

Find someone who's grown up and ready to settle down OP.

I cringe when someone who is older than 40 uses the term boyfriend - or girlfriend. It is so childish and twee.

@FoundLove i think I’d rather be on my own and at peace than be with someone who I like but has a history of cheating and repeatedly leaving the mothers of his children for the next shiny thing leaving me constantly worrying to the point I have to post on MN 🤷🏻‍♀️

So your issue is that you’re involved with a cheat 🙄

As per usual on MN the original issue isn't actually the actual issue

He's not what you want and he won't change.

why are you with him if you dont trust him?

I’m not sure a man in his fifties with three long term partners just moves from one to th4 next, but he does appear to have his next partner ready before moving on.

the issue here is she doesn’t trust him and thinks he will meet someone else when out and bin her off. If she thinks this, irrelevant if true or not, the relationship has no legs. And being controlling isn’t going to stop it happening, if anything it’s likely to speed it up, as no one likes that shit. Not as a grown up.

so if his history means she can’t manage this relationship she needs to end it. Or if the relationship is poor and she thinks he will cheat and move on, she needs to end it. But as said, being controlling isn’t going to fix that.

He doesn't sound like a good partner. Serial cheat who openly flirts in front of you. Spends one week in another city, the next in yours, but some of that in hotels with who knows who. Doesn't care if the flirting hurt your feelings, doesn't care if you have a different view of partying, 2years isn't that long, cut your losses!

Mate, he works in sales, they're a type. He may sincerely love you, but he will never be faithful. You can either live with that or you can't, but he's not going to be other than he is, and he may well run off with another woman at any time. If the relationship is fun and worthwhile in spite of all that, crack on, but those are the terms, regardless of whether he would ever admit them (to you or himself).

I don’t see a problem with this at all my DH always stays in hotels after a work night out mainly as his colleagues all live local to work and he doesn’t, it’s £70 on the train or an hours drive for me to pick up someone mumbling fumbling dribbling and incoherent. Why do you need him waking up with you?! Love my own space wish I had more of it. This sounds like a massive sense of neediness and insecurity.

So he lives in another town with his 'ex' and child half the time, the other half he lives at yours?!
Or goes out on the lash and chats up other women?

What is he bringing to the table? You don't trust him. He sounds like could just fully have a wife and kid half the time. Have you ever been to his house?! It all sounds like a load of bollocks.

At first I thought, so what if he has to go on boozy work dos and he stays in a hotel when pissed. But your update makes me think he's not really worth it.

Meh, I don't think the relationship will last, he's the sort of guy thats got a new partner at every port and even flirts with other women in front of you, God knows what he does when you're not there. I think the reason he prefers to stay in hotels on these nights out is pretty apparent. He likes the option.

If you're enjoying the relationship, crack on I guess, but see it for what it is, an open one. If you want a long term, faithful relationship, I'd probably throw this one back. 😬

Also, you're not really his partner. He spends every other week with another woman.

He's an outdoor cat and shutting him in at night is not going to change that.

Yes, it's becoming a bit of a trend. An OP posts something. When they don't get the answers they want (the DP is unreasonable for staying out entertaining clients) you get a follow up post with all the drip feed and then everyone starts saying he's a cheating bastard etc.

OP, when I read your first post I thought you were unreasonable UNLESS you had reasons not to trust him. Then you posted your second post, yeah, he's a womanizer and you already know what he's like. So you can stay with him and be constantly wondering what he's up to or move on.

😆Brilliant isn't it.

OP: AIBU to want my husband to come home after every night out?

Everybody: Yes you are

OP: Just to add he is a massive cheat, has never been faithful in his life, constantly flirts with other women and I can't trust him as far as I can throw him.

When DH used to go to these events I would encourage him to stay in a hotel instead of coming home
Partly because I trust him and I felt it was nicer for him to stay over but also because I didn't want waking up when he came in at stupid O'clock

But don’t forget to add We are totally compatible, I’ve never met anyone like him and I love him to bits 🙄

I agree. He has proven himself to be unreliable so don't tie yourself in knots wondering how you can keep him. He will do what he wants anyway and likes the attention of women way too much.

Bit of a dripfeed OP. I’m sure you want to be the one to ‘tame’ him but I couldn’t be bothered. Read your second post back to yourself and rethink.

Don't forget-
OP: but we are compatible and I love him sooooo much!

He cheats, he moves from woman to woman, and you have reason not to trust him. At least you're in your 50s so no chance of another child being born into this shitshow.

You're jealous because you know he's got a long history of cheating and you're likely not the only woman he's seeing given that he's flirting with women in front of you.

You're incompatible because you want him to be monogamous and he's just not that dude. You're trying to control him and fit him into this box of what you've decided he is rather than see the reality that he's never going to be a faithful man.

Besides that, your lifestyles are incompatible because you want him tucked in at your place and he's a partier who likes to go out.

Keeping him home won't keep him from cheating.

He rightly prioritizes his time with his 6 year old and doesn't go out then. Yes, you're lower priority than his daughter so he does his partying when she's not with him.

There's no way this relationship will work. He's a cheat and you're jealous and controlling and needy because you are in a relationship where what you really want from a relationship is not present in this one.

Yes you are, you either trust him or you don’t. Personally I wouldn’t trust him from what you’ve said, the red flags are waving loud and proud. But you know his whole background and you choose to be in the relationship so that’s on you, you can’t then dictate that he must come home after nights out when he never has done.

So this isn’t actually about him staying in hotels? You’re in a relationship with a lying serial cheat who can’t be trusted not to dip his wick into any passing female who cross v his path.
And aThe 6 year old at his age with a’much younger woman would be a huge no for me.

You're not compatible - he’s an immature dickhead who will leave you as soon as his head is turned but a younger model.

A serial philanderer and a needy jealous controlling partner - what could possibly go right?

Another in the long line of MN threads where a woman has a bar so low it’s subterranean. Lists more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade but she loves him because when he’s not being an complete twat he’s soooooooo amazing