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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my bf shouldn't stay in hotels after nights out with work?

98 replies

FoundLove · 12/11/2025 12:52

We're both 50+ and I am pretty fed up with the partying scene myself. Don't get me wrong, I still like going out and having a drink and seeing my friends. I love game nights at friends' houses etc. My partner and I have been together for 2 years now. He is a salesman in the plumbing business. His clients and his boss expects him to take clients out all the time - meals, booze-ups, holidays and parties. I understand it's a job, but I do wish he wouldn't. I feel like he's prioritising nights out instead of me. He also stays in hotels after these events, when I feel that he could be taking a train home (a bit earlier) so that he can wake up with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
Glitterballofdreams · 13/11/2025 13:23

Are you sure this is a work arrangement?! It’s a pretty unhealthy one if it is.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/11/2025 13:25

FoundLove · 13/11/2025 09:37

Thank you all for your thoughts. I get it. I am being unreasonable.
I have thought about it, and I think I am jealous. Let me give some more background though:
We met in a pub when he was out with clients. He was single, I was single. He was very confident and forward. In the time we have been together we have been out on many occasions together. Once, I met up with him and clients after they had been on a 24-hour bender. The clients told me that he had been chatting to a woman all night. We went to a club, he bought us drinks and then proceeded to give my drink to a random woman in the bar. On another occasion we were out with another couple and he proceeded to take a woman's hand and ask her how her night was going.
I have of course brought this up with him and he says I have nothing to worry about as he wouldn't risk what we have for a fling with someone else.
On top of this he left his first girlfriend (the mother of his eldest) for a woman he met on a cruise. This woman became his wife. He left her for a ten-year younger woman who he moved in with and had a child.
That child is now 6. He lives in another town every other week as he has joint custody of his daughter. The other week he's with me and stays in my apartment. He doesn't go on work do's when he has his daughter so it's only on "our weeks".
This is looong. Am I still being unreasonable? I guess. I just wanted to give the whole picture.
WE ARE compatible. I have NEVER met anyone like him. I love him to bits.

Christ, why would you even start a relationship with someone when you know all that about them?

TwistedWonder · 13/11/2025 13:27

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/11/2025 13:25

Christ, why would you even start a relationship with someone when you know all that about them?

Show quote history

Desperation?

ThatChristmasMug · 13/11/2025 13:31

Either you trust him, or you don't.

If someone wants to cheat for the fun of it, they will. It doesn't matter if they have a 9 to 5 and come running home to wifey as soon as they finish work.

It's unreasonable to expect him to change his lifestyle - you are not compatible. Nothing wrong with that, but someone who is always fighting and complaining will just send him running faster.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/11/2025 13:36

Ah ok so really the issue is he has to socialise a lot for work and has given you reason to not trust him. To be honest I wouldn't trust him either with his history! In terms of his job I work in the industry and could well be one of his clients, they have to be the last man standing at these events so I think its very good his work pays for hotels for him, but as noted above, this isn't actually the issue.

Also I'm not one to slut shame but 3 kids from 3 different women is a LOT of baggage, do you really want to get involved with that?

Coconutter24 · 13/11/2025 13:55

Why are you with him if you don’t trust him? Simple answer yanbu to not want him to stay in hotels regularly you can’t help how you feel but YABU to stay with him when you don’t trust him and want to control what he can and can’t do

aCatCalledFawkes · 13/11/2025 13:57

From what you have said in your first post I did think you were being unreasonable. My boyfriend works in IT sales and there is a lot of taking clients out and for meals and drinks as well as nights in hotels.
I guess the difference is though he wouldn't use it as an excuse for a 24hr bender, that would seem excessive for work.

Northquit · 13/11/2025 14:23

I think it might bother me if I thought he was not alone in those hotel rooms.

And also if his alcohol spending impinged on his ability to do nice things with me.

Theworstgamerever · 13/11/2025 14:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MySweetGeorgina · 13/11/2025 16:10

Men like that in jobs like that are rarely alone in their hotel rooms if they can help it

he’s all about compartmentalising aspects of his life anyway, right?

obviously I may be wrong…

cestlavielife · 13/11/2025 16:13

Are you deluded op?
He is clearly a very charming man (knows how to charm)who goes around from one woman to the next happy to keep one in everytown

You can be happy to be one of many of course but do not believe a single word he says.

Accept that you are one of many and he will be gone at some point.

Enjoy the ride...or step off this rollercoaster and end it

localbutterfly · 13/11/2025 17:27

I think you have to face the facts hat from his perspective, the relationship with you is temporary, and he's not likely to be open to major changes to his job or his lifestyle in order to accommodate your needs. He's CAPABLE of making adjustments - he's done some for his daughter - but so far resists making even minor changes for you.

If you want to "enjoy it while it lasts", I'd focus on his actions that you've experienced firsthand and letting him know that they negatively impact you, HOW they negatively impact you, and that some changes must be made for the relationship to continue. This could include his flirting in front of you, if it's excessive. It could include him staying out overnight multiple times a week, although if he is not honest with you it'll be hard to access as an "outsider" whether his job performance really benefits from this or not. It definitely includes going to get you a drink and giving it away to apparently random stranger. Figure out what you can live with and what you can't, and tell him. And stick with enforcing your boundaries; no one else will.

Brightlittlecanary · 13/11/2025 17:38

localbutterfly · 13/11/2025 17:27

I think you have to face the facts hat from his perspective, the relationship with you is temporary, and he's not likely to be open to major changes to his job or his lifestyle in order to accommodate your needs. He's CAPABLE of making adjustments - he's done some for his daughter - but so far resists making even minor changes for you.

If you want to "enjoy it while it lasts", I'd focus on his actions that you've experienced firsthand and letting him know that they negatively impact you, HOW they negatively impact you, and that some changes must be made for the relationship to continue. This could include his flirting in front of you, if it's excessive. It could include him staying out overnight multiple times a week, although if he is not honest with you it'll be hard to access as an "outsider" whether his job performance really benefits from this or not. It definitely includes going to get you a drink and giving it away to apparently random stranger. Figure out what you can live with and what you can't, and tell him. And stick with enforcing your boundaries; no one else will.

I’m not sure in the comment of “capable of making adjustments, he did it for his daughter. “

I’d expect any decent father to do that and prioritise his child, but he can’t also then make the adjustments with the op too, that’s his whole month gone. And it’s a core part of his role, and sure, he could leave early, not get drunk, come home, but he doesn’t want to. Which I think is fair enough id not wish to either, he clearly has fun and enjoys this part of his job, it also hugely changes the dynamic if one always leaves early and doesn’t stay out with the others.

the issue here isn’t he goes out with work mates. Or stays away. The issue is she thinks he’s out there chatting up women and then the risk of him cheating is much bigger as he’s in a hotel room, on his own so she wants to lock him down so he has no opportunity. But fidelity doesn’t work like that.

Tekknonan · 13/11/2025 17:43

Serial cheater. He's not going to change.

nocoolnamesleft · 13/11/2025 17:44

The reason you don't trust him isn't that he has work nights out. The reason you don't trust him is that he is a serial cheater who has repeatedly dumped his long term partner for the next bright sparkly toy, and you're waiting for him to do the same thing to you. Which he will. You deserve better than this. Get some self respect.

FeliciaFancybottom · 13/11/2025 17:51

Have a word with yourself, OP. He'll drop you like a hot brick when someone new comes along.

FreeTheOakTree · 13/11/2025 18:05

WE ARE compatible. I have NEVER met anyone like him. I love him to bits

For goodness sake get a grip and gather your self respect.

The guy is a player and on his way to be the oldest swinger in town. Nothing wrong with nights out in one's 50s - even the occasional wild one! But this man is a serial cheater who shares 50:50 custody with a 6 year old, the child you feel slighted by because he doesn't go out on the nights he has her...! Honestly, grow up!!

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 13/11/2025 18:10

He's a Jack the Lad type character, but at his age, he's going to find it increasingly difficult to enjoy that level of socialising, especially when women start turning the cold shoulder. Nobody likes a 50 year-old lech coming onto them.

TorroFerney · 13/11/2025 18:20

JudgeBread · 13/11/2025 09:45

So your issue isn't actually that he stays at hotels but that he's a massive flirt and you don't trust him? Probably should've put that in your main post.

Yes, he doesn't need to stay overnight in a hotel to be unfaithful.

TorroFerney · 13/11/2025 18:23

ilucgaiaw · 13/11/2025 11:44

Yes, it's becoming a bit of a trend. An OP posts something. When they don't get the answers they want (the DP is unreasonable for staying out entertaining clients) you get a follow up post with all the drip feed and then everyone starts saying he's a cheating bastard etc.

OP, when I read your first post I thought you were unreasonable UNLESS you had reasons not to trust him. Then you posted your second post, yeah, he's a womanizer and you already know what he's like. So you can stay with him and be constantly wondering what he's up to or move on.

Show quote history

I think some people aren't emotionally intelligent enough to actually articulate the issue and realise what the crux of it is - although agree there are also some after the fact embellishers.

GG101 · 29/11/2025 02:08

In the nicest possible way, as someone in their 50s, how can you be bothered? Put yourself first honestly

Misanthropologie · 29/11/2025 02:49

You don't trust your partner because nothing in his past or present behaviour suggests that he is a good prospect for a long term relationship.

MarxistMags · 29/11/2025 03:26

At his age I think he can do what he wants !

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 29/11/2025 04:07

First I thought you were being silly, but your next post sounds like he’s horrible and I’m not even convinced you like him.

if everything you’re written is true, he’s pretty shitty. Do you have kids?

user1492757084 · 29/11/2025 04:08

This man ranks you way down on his list - after his work, his boss, his daughter, a random woman looking thirsty at the bar etc. etc.

He values staying with you on his week off from his daughter.
But only on nights where work isn't paying for him to party and sleep in hotels.

You are providing him accommodation essentially.
He is not disturbing any part of his life to accommodate you.

See the serial cheater for what he is.
He breaks women's trust and hearts.
He leaves them questioning their own worth.

Break up. Pack up his stuff. Change the locks.