To buy myself the (non-engagement) ring?

[lastplaceinsportsday]

DH is a brilliant husband and dad – genuinely great in so many ways. Gift-giving just isn’t one of them, which I’ve always accepted. But with our 15th anniversary coming up, I’m feeling a bit sad.

When we got engaged, I showed him two rings. He encouraged me to pick the cheaper one (it was £1k less) and said to think of the amazing city break we could have instead. I felt shallow for wanting the pricier one and went cheaper… but 15 years on, I can't even remember if that city break ever happened.

Before our first child was born (on a milestone birthday for me), I mentioned an eternity ring I loved. He said it was too expensive. For my birthday I got something from Amazon and a delivery pizza.

He’s booked us a day out for our upcoming 15th anniversary, which is lovely, and I know we’ll have fun. But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to, and acknowledges that while he loves experience breaks, I can sometimes prefer something else.

Yes, I can buy it myself. And yes, I know this is about a luxury item when people are struggling to pay bills. But I still feel a bit sad that he’ll probably never buy me jewellery beyond my engagement ring and the odd Celtic knot piece from Amazon.

AIBU to feel like that?

I love sparkles so don't blame you at all. Your DH just doesn't get it though - he is who he is and you can't make him WANT to buy nice jewellery for you.

If you have the funds just treat yourself.

You'll get some people telling you to be grateful for anything for birthdays and occasions - but I don't think it's fair for him to always say the present budget for you should go on a joint trip instead of jewellery. What do you buy him?

My DH has bought me a ring when I had DS (diamonds and his birthstone) and an eternity ring in the 20 odd years we have been together - it doesn't have to be every birthday or anniversary!

Tell him it's a gift to yourself for putting up with his miserly ways all these years.

Thank you for understanding. I feel like a right tit complaining about something that I know is not important in the grand scheme of things, but I guess the milestone nature is what makes me feel a little teary, like if a 40th birthday, birth of two children, 10th anniversary, very difficult life circumstances etc, are not enough for him to think 'Hm, I think she'd really love a ring' I acknowledge he's just never going to think that way.

As for me, I buy him a mix of experiences and things. He is tricky to shop for, but we're in a lucky position salary wise (both of us are higher earners) and it makes me happy to hunt for things I think he'll like.

For example, one year I bought him a high-end bed and mattress to address his back pain and sleep issues. Have also bought him weekend trips, games nights with his friends, escape rooms, things related to his hobbies, etc.

Now I think of it, book a restaurant you want to go to for you both and tell him it's his Christmas present.

Sorry, cross posted! He does just seem tight in that case.

I’m of the same mind as your dh, in that jewellery isn’t really of any interest to me. That said if it’s what you really want and you can both afford it then just tell him. If he still would prefer to give you a different gift then either buy it yourself or don’t get it.

I'm not sure I could do it because I'm a softie, but I think you should only buy him things you want/enjoy for a couple of years until he gets the hint. If he never gets the hint, then it's a restaurant you want to eat at or a show you want to see every birthday/Christmas. Once you have run out of those, you can revert to something small from Amazon and a pizza delivery. The money you save by no longer showering him with lovely thoughtful gifts should add up to quite a chunk in five years time, and you can spend it on the gorgeous ring you have always wanted.

I have zero interest in jewellery personally, so it would not ring my bell. However, I did have to tell DH and DS a couple of weeks ago that I am expecting a thoughtful decent gift this Christmas. It's not expensive gifts I'm after, but thoughtful ones, and in our household that seems to be a higher cost! I am so sick of putting loads of effort into gifts for them and getting nothing or last minute thoughtless efforts back. I also don't want DS growing up thinking that this is ok - I want to teach him to be considerate and thoughtful.

My husband is like this.

He chose and paid for a v beautiful engagement ring for me and I chose a Tiffany bracelet for my 40th but other than that he's never got me jewellery, other than a Garmin watch 😀

If I had the cash I'd buy it myself. He's an excellent husband other than being useless (not tight, just no imagination) with gifts so I let it go. I would love to have a spontaneous bit of jewellery though so get where you're coming from.

I would absolutely buy it for myself but I'd find a different way to frame what it represents. I've got a diamond ring that I wear every day that I bought when I had a massive brain shift from turning urgh 40 to turning woo hoo 40.
Perhaps instead of seeing it as an anniversary present to yourself you could frame it as representing your successes in life, that include being lucky enough to be with a man who you absolutely want but don't need (to rely on).
Never wait for a man to buy you diamonds - channel your inner Destiny's Child!

Buy the ring yourself!
And I want to see photos too.

Id buy it myself. As massive and sparkly and beautiful as possible. Id keep my hands on the table and gesture constantly so everyone could see it. And when people complimented me on it I'd say "thank you, I really love it, I waited 15 years for DH to buy it and eventually gave in and bought it for myself." And Id say it every time until he got the fucking hint.
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You buy gifts for other people, not yourself. It doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks is a good gift. He knows what you wanted and is important to you and ignored it. Crack on and get your perfect Christmas sparkle

My DH never even got me an engagement ring. He's as tight as a gnat's wotsit and doesn't think fancy stuff is necessary. Which it isn't I guess.
Now I am older and have more spare cash I have treated myself to a few nice pieces of jewellery, mainly 2nd hand. However the non-appearance of the engagement ring still rankles after 30+years.

Doesn’t sound like you’re going to change and he’s great in most other ways so just treat yourself and enjoy it!

To be honest you could change/reduce what you give him, but he doesn't really place much value on gifts, he probably won't mind anyway and what you are trying to communicate will get lost.

You either have to accept what he is and his values and focus on the positives those bring (people like this tend to do better with money generally) or you speak directly to him and make clear that gifts are really important to you and you'd love some nice jewellery.

However be prepared, if the itch you have is for a bit of an idealistic dream scenario where he spontaneously treats you to a gorgeous ring, its never going to happen, and it won't feel like he's spoiling you if you have to ask.

I would also try to reflect on why it is you are a bit obsessed with it, what it means to you, & whether you need to recognise him showing his love for you in different, equally valid ways.

It was our 25th a couple of years ago and I sent DH a few jewellery sites that I'd be happy with anything from. Well, it turns out that this was just the nudge he needed because he's actually brilliant at choosing for me and just lacked a bit of confidence. There's something very special about wearing something that your dh has chosen ( and got right!.)

Send him some links OP!

Stop dropping hints. Stop being passive.

Be direct and assertive and clear in what you want.

On one of the occasions I noted, I sent him a link to the exact ring and my size. I think that was my birthday/birth of firstborn. I don't think I'm dropping hints, being passive, or not being clear/direct. He simply doesn't value this type of thing or want to pay for it.

I'm not asking for jewellery any more as I'm clear that expensive gifts are not his thing and I don't want to hint/beg/etc -- not my style. So it's more a matter of what do I want to do (while, yes, being a little hurt).

I've got a lovely engagement ring...with some sizeable diamonds in it. OH actually said if it's something I will wear daily and something he will look at then he wanted to give me something gorgeous. It is lovely when people comment and it makes me feel special to wear something that is so lovely.

I wore through my engagement ring and have since bought my own rings

Thanks for your thoughtful points.

I think this still sticks with me because I felt embarrassed that, during that first chat about engagement rings, I didn’t have the confidence to say, “I actually prefer the one that’s £1k more. I’m happy to pay half or cover the difference.” Instead, I downplayed what I wanted to seem easygoing. I often wish I had more confidence and especially felt more confident about addressing conflicts.

I’m not a big jewellery person, or wanting lots of expensive gifts. It just hurt that after our child’s birth (after several MCs) and my milestone birthday, so little thought went into making me feel special. That time, I think I had shared a screenshot of the ring (and price).

I do now think it wasn't until later (10th anniv?) that I shared the link and my ring size, which I felt I had really screwed up the courage to do. Even typing that makes me sad! Like, why do I care -- I acknowledge it is a bit stupid and not important in the grand scheme.

I channeled Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City and having bought a trillion engagement, wedding, and christening gifts for friends barely received gifts for my significant birthdays, so instead of buying Manolos, I bought myself a diamond and amethyst ring

I made a declaratory post on Facebook stating that “TamarindCottage got engaged … to TamarindCottage“! I wear it beneath my diamond wedding and engagement rings and they are beautifully sparkly, all on one finger

Definitely just buy it for yourself! DH ‘bought’ me jewellery after each baby was born but it consisted of me explaining the concept of ‘push presents’ (he had no idea jewellery after a baby was a thing), telling him what I wanted, taking him to the shop with me and then me paying for it myself on my credit card (I’m the much higher earner so we put any big purchases on my cards anyway). So basically me saying hey I’ve just had a baby so I’m going to treat myself to some expensive jewellery 😂 We’re both fine with that arrangement, I am very particular anyway about what I like so wouldn’t necessarily want him to choose it for me, and we consider all our money joint so even though it’s not particularly romantic I’m happy to do it this way.

You said you dropped 5000 hints. That tells me you aren’t clear.

I'm afraid you've misinterpreted what I wrote. What I said was: "But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to"

I haven't dropped 5,000 hints -- or any hints. Many years ago, I said l'd like this one particular ring and shared a photo of it. Then years later, I shared a link to the ring and told him what my size was. There's been no hinting; what I said was that I wouldn't want to go around dropping hints, or begging, because that's not my communication style, but I would have loved it if he thought "Hm, not my usual thing, but she'd love it and we can afford it."

OP, you are not being unreasonable. My DH asked what I would like for our first anniversary which coincided with the birth of our DS. I said that I would like an eternity ring. My wedding and engagement ring are both platinum so I was very specific and said that I didn't mind what stones were in it but it HAD to be platinum. He came home with white gold as he said it was cheaper. He bought a stunning ring but white gold and platinum are completely different colours. I have never worn it as an eternity ring as it looks awful.

21 years down the line, it sits in its box! Doesn't fit on my right hand so a complete waste of money. He mentioned it a couple of months ago so I got it out and the rhodium as disappeared and now it's yellow gold! I showed it to him, 20 years after the fact he finally understood!