To buy myself the (non-engagement) ring?

[lastplaceinsportsday]

DH is a brilliant husband and dad – genuinely great in so many ways. Gift-giving just isn’t one of them, which I’ve always accepted. But with our 15th anniversary coming up, I’m feeling a bit sad.

When we got engaged, I showed him two rings. He encouraged me to pick the cheaper one (it was £1k less) and said to think of the amazing city break we could have instead. I felt shallow for wanting the pricier one and went cheaper… but 15 years on, I can't even remember if that city break ever happened.

Before our first child was born (on a milestone birthday for me), I mentioned an eternity ring I loved. He said it was too expensive. For my birthday I got something from Amazon and a delivery pizza.

He’s booked us a day out for our upcoming 15th anniversary, which is lovely, and I know we’ll have fun. But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to, and acknowledges that while he loves experience breaks, I can sometimes prefer something else.

Yes, I can buy it myself. And yes, I know this is about a luxury item when people are struggling to pay bills. But I still feel a bit sad that he’ll probably never buy me jewellery beyond my engagement ring and the odd Celtic knot piece from Amazon.

AIBU to feel like that?

I'm with the H. I love jewellery and buy it for myself, but there are things I see as an absolute waste of money. And I wouldn't buy them for anyone, even if they wanted me to. They can waste their own money themselves.

And between a ring or travelling I'd choose travelling 100%. No brainer.

Buy it yourself! Tell him you’re buying yourself the birthday present you’d like as he’s not good with gifts? You’ve been with him long enough to be truthful. My husband was generous but not very good at gift ideas…I put up with it for awhile and then thought sod it, life’s too short…so I started telling him what I’d like and expected 😆 he was fine with it, relieved even as it took the stress of thinking off him! So my 40th, I said we’re going to a jewellers and I’m picking out a ring from you to me…and off we went! For Christmas, I’ve often ordered things and given it to him and said please wrap my gift from you! And we’d laugh as a family on Christmas Day as I pretended to be surprised 🤣🤣 but the important difference is…my husband was not tight, that’s quite difficult to change in someone as it’s their mindset! Good luck…go buy it yourself…in his credit card not yours!

If you want it and can afford it, go for it! Treat yourself if he won’t do it…maybe he’ll finally get the hint 💍

I'm not in jewellery but my dm loves it. Last year it was their diamond wedding anniversary so she took df diamond shopping! He didn't do much, just gave his card at the right time. That's why they've been married 61 years!

He isn't going to buy it for you. Buy a lovely ring after doing lots of research, insure it. Its an investment. Wear it.

I wouldn't even bother discussing it with him. He will only spoil your enjoyment.

If affordability isn't an issue, he doesn't get any hints or doesn't want to do it, then just go and buy one for yourself. It's not like you are doing it all the time.

What an odd approach to gift giving - it really centres you rather than the person you're buying for.
For me it's would be a no brainer to pick the jewellery over the travelling. A short lived experience vs something I can look at an appreciate the beauty of every day.

I gave up dropping hints years ago as my DH never got it exactly right and it seemed like a waste of money if I didn't love it. I now just buy for myself what I want, we have a joint account anyway so it doesn't really matter who bought it.

As long as he shows love for you in other ways, my DH brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning and that's better than any piece of jewellery in my book.

I have bought every significant piece of jewellery myself. Because I know what I like and I know what I'm willing to spend. DP would rather upgrade the telly.

Go out and treat yourself!

It IS important - having a husband who responds to your needs is pretty basic and no wonder you get teary as what he's doing is really undermining and disregarding your feelings. This isn't about materialism - its representative of you feeling heard and cherished.

Pick what you want and tell him you want it. Not a link, or a message, actually show him a picture of it and say, I want this. We can afford it, I would much prefer it to a trip or experience, this is what I want. If he doesn't buy it, get it for yourself and next time you are buying something for him remember what a tight git he is. That aside, he is never going to surprise you with sparkley gifts, he doesn't appreciate them and can't fathom why you do, so you are going to have to make your peace with that.

Show him a picture of the ring you want , if you can afford it , tell him straight that you would love this so much as it would mean the world to you .

I think you need to tell him, directly. You can't make him become a person who wants to buy you jewellery instead of experiences. You can tell him that you want a piece of jewellery for this specific occasion. Buying good gifts means buying what the recipient wants, not what you want to give.

I don’t understand why it’s so important that he buys it for you, rather than you buy it for yourself?

It sounds like you put a lot of value on specific pieces of jewellery, while he values other things. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as there’s a compromise which allows you to both get your own way from time to time.

I love collecting jewellery so there’s no judgement on that from me!

I once found a gorgeous diamond engagement ring.
I had it for years hoping that one day I'd see an add out for it.
I put an add in the papper and shop windows but nothing come of it.
Back in the prehistoric time no Internet.
I sold it in the end year 1998 got 2k for it.
I think it was worth more it was gorgeous but I needed money.
Upon selling it the man that looked at it said its custom made.
I think he kept it because I never did see it for sale in his shop.

It sounds like you could afford this as a household so he should accept that it's something that you would really value and appreciate, even if it's not his idea of a good way to spend money. His preference for spending on experiences isn't the only way to do things. I think you really need to stand up for yourself and directly instruct him "buy me this" and if he just won't, get it for yourself.

We are all different so some people won't understand this and that's fine. Some will look at their hand and just be happy to see the ring even if they bought it themselves.

I think for me if i had bought it myself. I would look down and feel a bit sad.
Just be reminded that he didn't value me in the way I do him. That he couldnt get past his I am right and you're wrong because I deem that non important/not worthwhile a gift/to spend on.

For me it would mean even more that he bought me the ring because it would mean he really saw me and what would make ME happy/feel treasured. That he was placing that as his number one priority. That he valued my opinion on what I'd like as a gift rather than override my own judgement. Or place his values on to me.

Something about it just feels such a personal refusal to do something you're partner would like. And a personal judgement on something you would value. Like his gifts were conditional only what he values.

If money wasn't a factor i can't imagine a reason I would refuse to gift my husband something he would love even if it was of low value to me personally. I value him so that takes priority for me.

Hopefully that waffle made some sense.i am rather sleep deprived. Maybe I over thought the whole thing and that's not how it is for you op at all
I just wondered what the niggle is when you drill down a bit further. Why does it seem silly yet still hurt?

YANBU. I once had my heart set on a diamond pendant necklace. We got some compensation for a delayed flight that would have covered the cost of the necklace (my part alone that is) but I didn't buy it because DH said that he wanted to buy something sparkly / kept complaining that he never knew what to get me plus I had a big birthday coming up that year so I didn't buy it. DH didn't buy it either, nor the next year nor the year after that and they no longer make it. 10 plus years later I still wish that I had bought it so I say go for it!

Where is your day out? Is it somewhere with jewellery shops?! Kill two birds!

I can empathise with you as my DH is rubbish gift giver. He just doesn’t put any value on it at all. We had a huge row over lack of effort for my 40th. It clearly stuck with him as he got me a great 50th present (an experience rather than an item). But, he did check with me first as he wasn’t confident to just book it.
id love him to buy me a beautiful ring / eternity ring, but I have to accept it’s not going to happen.

Definitely buy yourself the ring, OP. You deserve it.

I’ve had my “engagement ring” saved on my phone for 20 years. Never met “the one”…
so on my last significant birthday, I bought it for myself. I wear it on my right hand but it’s gorgeous and I love it! Who needs a man and a forced hand, literally?!… 🎶 I can buy myself flowers diamonds 🎶 💎

I'd love to see it!

@AuntieLemonade

I'd love to see your ring too!

We all have things that are important to us that we choose to spend our money on that someone else would say is a waste of money- that is normal and nothing wrong with that. For me, it’s holidays and clothes and a semi precious jewellery. For my son it’s his mountain bike. We would both be horrified what the other person spends - I think you need to point out what’s important to you to your dh and say that a special piece of jewellery is important to you even if he doesn’t understand it or if it’s not what he would choose to spend his money on but can he please recognise it’s important to you and that you would like a special piece of jewellery to celebrate this occasion- and even though it’s expensive you’ll have it forever

And also not to make you feel bad for wanting this as you can afford it. These things are so sentimental