To buy myself the (non-engagement) ring?

[lastplaceinsportsday]

DH is a brilliant husband and dad – genuinely great in so many ways. Gift-giving just isn’t one of them, which I’ve always accepted. But with our 15th anniversary coming up, I’m feeling a bit sad.

When we got engaged, I showed him two rings. He encouraged me to pick the cheaper one (it was £1k less) and said to think of the amazing city break we could have instead. I felt shallow for wanting the pricier one and went cheaper… but 15 years on, I can't even remember if that city break ever happened.

Before our first child was born (on a milestone birthday for me), I mentioned an eternity ring I loved. He said it was too expensive. For my birthday I got something from Amazon and a delivery pizza.

He’s booked us a day out for our upcoming 15th anniversary, which is lovely, and I know we’ll have fun. But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to, and acknowledges that while he loves experience breaks, I can sometimes prefer something else.

Yes, I can buy it myself. And yes, I know this is about a luxury item when people are struggling to pay bills. But I still feel a bit sad that he’ll probably never buy me jewellery beyond my engagement ring and the odd Celtic knot piece from Amazon.

AIBU to feel like that?

Bottom - engagement ring to me from me
Middle - my late mum always wanted a diamond band, eight months after she died, I bought this for myself in her memory
Top - my engagement ring was chosen because it went perfectly with the diamond band I wear as my wedding ring (I met my husband six months to the day after she died (bittersweet))

I with ya sister!
20 years married coming up early next year.
Didn't get an engagement ring and didn’t mind because he had very little and two small boys to look after. But my 40th birthday was spent on a train to a holiday with small boys not a honeymoon, which I paid for and I received a “little miss naughty” book - the children’s version but nothing else, even though I thought there might just be champagne on arrival or something else organised?
ge buys me very nice costume jewellery for birthdays now but even now the children are grown and gone I had to ask him to pay for our holiday after 20 years marriage whilst he thinks we need to put all extra monies into pensions. Just once I would like to find a surprise engagement or eternity ring. Or a holiday or weekend away booked by him to surprise me. It’s a small first world problem which doesn’t matter, mostly. Just sometimes it makes me wish it were different, knowing he has the buffer I never seem to be able to achieve because I’m always the one organising the holidays and extras.

Buy the ring! I decided I wanted a ring for our 10th wedding anniversary and bought it myself because
-I could spend time choosing it
-I could get it in the sale

DH would have transferred me the money if I wanted him to. He doesn't see any value in jewellery though so definitely wouldn't "get it" either. But I tell people it's my 10th anniversary ring (we are on 12.5 years now)

I don't understand the need for gifts (I buy myself whatever I want) but I seem to be an outlier - my friends all feel the same way as you do, they want to feel spoiled, cherished and loved. I don't understand how a gift makes anyone feel that way. Maybe because my dad used to buy my mum huge gifts at christmas and birthdays. Mum expected it and Dad delivered (my sister often chose it) there was no emotion involved - noone cherishing or loving anyone, just a big empty expensive gift no making up for a years of arguments and bad behaviour. And my Mum bought my Dad socks or thermals or a shirt - it was probably a powerplay - she needed to feel like he was still trying hard. Anyway it put me off.
I get no pleasure in the giving or the receiving of gifts - did someone mention love language? It's not mine apparently, might not be your dh's either, more importantly does he treat you well, make you feel loved everyday (and vice versa) - if he doesn't address that.
Buy yourself the diamond,get used to buying yourself nice things - it feels good and you always get what you wanted - no disappointment. Get him to come with you if you need buy in...for some of us gifts mean absolutely nothing - in the giving or the receiving - we aren't mean, we just express our love in different ways.

You bought him a mattress and bed one year for his birthday and expect a diamond ring. Perhaps your thinking is slightly mismatched.

Why do fixated on jewellery? Buy it yourself if he won’t.

I have never understood the fixation with rings or jewellery so emotionally I am with your husband but I also think if you have made clear to him that it’s important to you and he’s deliberately ignoring you he is being selfish and mean.

This would bother me much more than the lack of a ring!

Just reading all these replies makes me realise that no one has bought me jewellery since my first boyfriend did, over forty years ago. Current bf of ten years would never think of it and is very parsimonious. I think
you should get your own ring. I may do the same.

Not sure how practical this is cost wise, but I’d be taking it to a jewellers and getting a price to get the stones re set into a platinum band, or even a necklace or ear rings. Shame for the sparkly bits to not be seen

I know jewellery may not be important to your DH, or indeed some people, but I think if a partner has mentioned it, it’s affordable then why wouldn’t you buy it as a gift.
I do see exactly where you’re coming from OP. I think I’d be buying a Merry Christmas to me ring this year if I were you.

He doesn't like jewellery -- and if he did I would have bought it! With gifts, I think about what he would enjoy, value or give him pleasure. He loved the bed (which btw was only about 500 quid less than the ring I was looking at).

I've also bought him expensive stuff related to his hobbies (which I don't share) or trips away. There's not a difference in spend between what I expect and what I am happy to provide. (Our salaries are within 5k of each other so we are on even footing there.)

Surely you can be honest with him after 10yrs of marriage?

”DH, as you know we got the cheaper engagement ring which I’ve never really liked, but I just went along with because I didn’t want to appear ungrateful. We’ve been together too long to lie anymore, and I am worth a decent piece of jewellery, so I am going to buy myself a nicer one that I love to wear instead; unless you want to treat me?”

Thanks, this is what's interesting to me -- some people saying 'I do not like or value jewellery so I'm with your husband.'

I buy gifts based on what I think the recipient would love or value, not what I (as the giver) love or value, so long as I'm able to afford it. My husband has hobbies I don't share, and some of them are things I don't like or don't 'get,' but it gives me such pleasure to think about what would make his life easier, make him happy, help him relax or feel valued or loved. If I had 2k to spend, and he wanted something that cost 2k and was completely outside my realm of interest, I'd spend it happily, thinking of his happiness.

It wouldn't ever occur to me to say 'No, I don't (whatever hobby) or find it interesting and it's not how I want to spend my time, so I won't spend any money on that.' (Assuming hobby is normal and not something you're not morally/ethnically opposed to.)

Why on earth was a bed that meant he got a good night's sleep a birthday present? And moaning because uoyr engagement ring was £1000 less than what you wanted. You sound quite selfish to me OP, my exh bought me jewellery on special occasions but I've a feeling you'd have turned yoyr nose up at it because it wasn't expensive enough

I wanted an eternity ring and just told my husband. We chose it together and had it especially made. Technically he paid for it, but we've been married 20 years so effectively share all our money. I don't know whether he would have suggested it without me saying I wanted one. But he was willing enough as he hates choosing things himself!
I love it . Everyone needs a bit of sparkle some time. Just tell your husband you want this and it will last longer and give you more joy than. A city break

He's quite a practical person and often (but not always) prefers practical gifts that improve his life. It might not have been something you would want, but it was something he did want, value, and appreciate, so that was what was important to me.

I don't think I am a selfish person, nor have I 'turned my nose up' at other people's gifts (and I don't think my DH nor anyone who knows me would say that). I didn't prefer the more expensive ring because it was more expensive, I preferred the design.

I appreciate this has obviously struck a chord with you. Hope you have a nice day.

Buy it.

My engagement ring is lovely, but it didn’t require any thought - it was my husbands grandmothers. I only met her once, but she told him I was a keeper and gave him her ring to propose to me shortly before she died.

My husband mentioned and did nothing about eternity rings for years, so I chose one myself and told him I wanted it as a 20th anniversary memento, then bought it myself because he asked me to sort out the purchase.

Since then I’ve discovered that many women by their own jewellery. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

And this might be it, your dh is opposed to the purchase of expensive jewellery - he thinks it's a waste of money and that steals the joy out of the purchase - you think he can focus on the joy it will bring you and that will make him feel all warm and lovely but it's likely it won't, he'll see that ring as a waste of money he just doesn't understand.
When dh and I bought our engagement/wedding rings - we were both emotionally invested in the purchase, the occasion, the excitement - all that emotion is bound up in our rings. If I lost one the replacement would mean nothing I wouldn't love the ring, it would just be a pretty thing, like any other piece of jewellery.
For your ring - there will never be the love poured into it because he doesn't really want to buy it, he will if you push him but you can't force him to feel it and make it a special memory. A fishing rod or a bicycle (or a bed) whatever hobby he takes part in has no emotion, not required - jewellery means more than the metal - unless it doesn't to you and in which case - there's no debate, buy it yourself.

You're exactly right and thank you for summing it up in this way. I am looking at it as an emotional thing, something that represents our time together, me being valued and loved, my taste, whatever. I don't have any jewellery I wear regularly outside my engagement ring and wedding band (which is a plain band). I suppose I did like the idea of something I would wear every day, that would feel a bit romantic and glamorous, and would bring me joy when I saw it.

It's been good tor read people's opinions (even the quite negative ones, I can understand challenging POVs, minus the name calling). I don't think I want to buy the eternity ring for the emotional reasons you and others have noted -- I would look at it and feel a twinge that I had bought it myself.

I think my next step is, post-Xmas, go out during sale season and find something that I do want to wear every day, that gives me a sense of glamour, and that I buy for me with the only restriction being my taste or budget. If he asks, I'll just tell him that I bought it because I liked it and could afford it, which is a good enough reason!

I saw an absolutely stunning ring that wasn’t too expensive and I begged my husband to buy it for me. The design also included a reference to something special to our relationship. DH promised that he would get it but later changed his mind, strung me along for months etc. I got upset and he unleashed the most vile load of comments about me and how undeserving I was.

OP. Buy the ring. I know you think that it will take the shine off it but the pain of the fallout and vitriol from him towards me wanting something sparkly has been far greater than any disappointment of having to buy it myself. Besides it will probably give him a kick up the arse to lift his game.

I think you should move from hinting to telling him clearly like you did in your post. Otherwise he’ll buy you another gift from amazon and the disappointment will continue to mount up!

I hinted to my husband when I had twins, that "some people might get their wife a gift". We had previously looked at eternity rings etc. I thought earrings might be appropriate, 2 x items for 2 x babies. Well, he took the hint about buying something, he gave me a Red Dwarf T shirt in XL "because you need a bigger size now you've been pregnant!". I was SO hurt....

Some men are pretty shit when it comes to buying presents . Lucky the woman whos oh is not !
Can you take him / show him / tell him it would mean a lot of he got you exhibit A and he's if it's eye watering expensive , perhaps you could go half .

The sales all seem to be before Christmas now.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that just for once you want some nice jewellery as a gift. Why should it always be a city break? Seems that’s more of a gift for him tbh if he’s the one always pushing them 😅

OP definitely go out in the January sales and buy yourself the ring that you really love.