DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

[Aggyagro]

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age.
We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin…
Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

Truely awful. Fancy leaving your dp working years more whilst you swan about. I'd go for divorce and apply for half his pension, selfish pig.

DH did it at 60, I was 54. But no-one had to cut back financially. Mortgage paid two sons flown the nest so just one to get through school and university.

We wouldn't have done it otherwise.

You both put in; he put into his career which gave him a hefty pension and you put into childcare and housework which gave you no/considerably less pension.

He shouldn’t stop working while you have to continue, that’s craziness. He’s basically penalising you for raising his kids 🤦🏻‍♀️

You should both now be building your pension pots to enable you both to retire. If he has enough in his, he could put more into yours.

Do you work full time? If so that’s a bit unfair as he could see about reducing his hours rather than completely retiring. I reckon he will get bored.

Lots of men retired early in the 80s & 90s. They worked as teachers, police, social workers, for BT, British Gas etc. They had a proper pension at around 55 & then got state pension 10 years later. It just seems like a dream nowadays to be able to do that. Early 50s does seem very young.

If it's not too many years in the horizon, then waiting till the mortgage is paid off seems advisable. I couldn't personally have contemplated under 60 but I'm not keen to retire as late as 67. One DS at uni, so think retiring before he's finished studying is a bit mad.

Quite agree. I’ve been caring for my mum for most of my 50s. It coincided with losing my long term job with a huge U.K. company that was allowed to give long term staff redundancy and change contracts during covid. It’s exhausting and I’d much rather still be working properly and earning a decent salary like previously. I’m earning a small wage from my business but deliberately keeping it under the tax rate. The amount of help I could claim as a carer is an insult.

I don’t think it’s that early. I’m early 50’s and we have started planning for retirement. I think it’s normal that thoughts turn this way after you have been working for more than 30 years. Could he reduce his hours or change his role to a less stressful one? Also you could go to a financial advisor to get advice and think about what you both want retirement to look like. When we started to think about it, originally my DH wanted to stop earlier than me, and I felt I wanted to go on a little longer. We were going to have him be house husband and support me working, a bit like I did when the children were small. We’ve decided now to retire together in 5 years as we want time together after a lifetime working. We will be late 50’s by then.

Have you sat down together and worked out how to equalise your financial positions to ensure that you’re not disadvantaged by your historic maternity leave and child care?

Don’t most working partners ‘see their non working spouse right’ in terms of topping up their lost savings and pension contributions to ensure they don’t lose out due to the financial cost of childbearing and care?

Definitely this! But also, unless there's a huge age gap, it's a much better idea to wait until you can BOTH comfortably retire. I couldn't cope having to go to work while DP stayed at home all day doing nothing like yours says he wants to.

Having to cut back on takeaways and other luxuries while you're still earning the same and only his money has dropped would annoy me. A lot.

You need to work out a way to make things fairer. Perhaps he could drop some hours? Or you both could? But total retirement for him while you keep working is just not fair.

Are you full time now? I’d stop with the cooking and his laundry because I need to concentrate on my career, he was supported in his just when the load at home was the highest so I’d come home every night, ask what’s for dinner, cook myself a single omelette if thrrr wasn’t any, if he orders himself a takeaway say you said you wouldn’t be able to afford that when you retire <and grin> (and stop contributing extra to joint account if he orders it from there). You need to draw a firmer line when it comes to selfish men.

Women could retire at 60 for much of that time

Have you suggested he could reduce his hours down? It's seems very drastic @Aggyagro I would be sitting down with him and go through figures based on him cutting down his hours and then work out the difference. He's been selfish I'd be annoyed too.

You should be looking at your retirement plans as a couple. Do you have debt/mortgage? How much of a joint pension fund do you have? How will you bridge between early retirement and state pension? Are you up to date for full state pensions?

As a general guide you should have a pot of 25x what you think your annual outgoings will be…but I really think it’s something you need a fuller picture of.

I retired early at 56, DH choosing to continue working (he’s a musician and loves what he does) so it is entirely doable, but it needs planning.

I wouldn't even entertain this until the mortgage was paid off. How have you ended up paying it when he is the higher earner? You need to address this with him.
He needs to come up with a way to ease the financial pressure on you both before he should think about retiring. Remind him you are supposed to be a team.

As others have said, if the parental care issue is still there (eg you have surviving family) then you could state that if he intends to take ER then he is also agreeing to take on any care obligations that arrive so you can work through to retirement. I suspect that will hasten the rethink, depressingly

Tbh I would threaten him with divorce and take his pension off him. Cheeky fucker.

Agree with the vast majority. Bollocks to that. You should be a team so whatever retirement plans there are must be shared fairly. He should be paying off the mortgage if he's got all this extra dosh. Not leaving that for you to sort while he looks after himself. Outrageous.

I know of three couples where one has taken very early retirement and the other hasn’t and it has caused all kinds unexpected strife. It wasn’t primarily a money issue in these cases, it was because the non retired one was coming into their own point of career success and were still mentally engaged with that and enjoying it. They could afford the nice holidays but not excessive time off and friends who could have been alternative travelling companions were also not overly available. A couple of them thought they could swan into interesting and slightly remunerative non executive director or trustee roles but that is actually a very crowded field - unless you are an ex finance director willing to take on treasurer roles for small charities. The relief from stress became dealing with boredom and a lack of direction and identity. I think it’s very different if retiring a bit early with good health and money and have a social framework to fit into .

Thanks again - just to answer a few of the points, yes I am full time and think I will be for the foreseeable to be able to get a decent pension at retirement age. While DH did pay more to the household finances when the DCs were young and I was earning less, he was always able to keep paying into private pension plans and I was always the one that got up at night and was called into school if the DCs ever needed it. I have also always worked although my career took a back seat when they were toddlers and I was freelancing and not paying into a pension fund. I also feel that now, finally, I could start paying extra into my pension but if her retires early that will be less of an option for me…

Why are you splitting bills 50/50 and paying the mortgage if he earns more?

He sounds like a stingy bastard. Maybe I’m bias as I grew up in a country where men are providers but no way would I agree to that arrangement. I rather be single than with a cheap man.

If he is determined to retire early, at the very least you get him to pay half the mortgage alongside bills moving forward.

Also forgot to mention that I worked all the time right from when the DCs were 6 months old but in freelance and flexible roles to be available for them when DH was able to carry on with his career as normal. DH went on a business trip when my youngest was just a few months old and needed an operation so obviously I was working around everyone else and there was no continuity of career for me….

Here's my little story of an H who retired in May 2024 - he's 10 years older than me and has a civil service pension (not gold plated, he's paid in etc etc so fully deserves), I meanwhile work in a charity and as well as needing to work til I retire, also LOVE what I do.

We are on the brink of divorce. Not becuase of all this but because he does precisely NOTHING. Half arsed cleaning, has no purpose or direction and then has the audacity to explode at me because I am out here living my best life and doing most of it without him because a) work b) he's a mardy bum

He retired with no plan after a long lead up. I kept saying find a plan for what to do and how you want to live life, I will still be working.

Anyway, as I say. we are on the brink of divorce. You are right to look at this with caution. Be clear what you want for yourself. Accept no "compromise" you are not comfortable with - why do you sacrifice now as well as having sacrified while you bought up kids?

DH retired at 58 .. he’s 9 years older than me. I’ve carried in working.

I’m delighted for him, he’s been working since 21, paid into his pension .. we used his lump sum to clear the mortgage. He finished 4 years ago, he goes fishing, he looks after all the household stuff, does the Decorating, Gardening etc.

I work FT, but I don’t resent him packing work in, he’s happier … and I’ve not done the Washing-Up in years.

You are missing the point.

Work can be a chore too. The droning monotony, the stress, missing out on small and big moments with the kids, and having to do it for ever and ever until you retire- because a decision made when your kids are in the womb, has somehow resulted in you being catapulted into cyclone which means that you are better paid and so you have to keep at that pace, on that trajectory as everyone is relying on it. You don't get to 'experiment' or do something you love on a whim as that's too risky when everything relies on you. There is no 'back up'. No part time working.

Not every job is nourishment for the soul. Or remotely fulfilling. It can mostly be an absolute slog - thick with false friendships and politics laced with acid.

And yes. You are right. There is nothing remotely fair about it.

Alignment on goals and communication is key. One role isn't inherently more hard done by.

Id divorce him and have half his pension. Job done.