BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

[Ilikelimes]

My BIL and his wife completely forgot my birthday this year. They didn’t text me until midnight to say happy birthday — literally just as the day ended.

I’m quite hurt, to be honest. I always make a real effort with their family: I buy their children’s birthday presents, make sure cards get there on time, and even give the kids pocket money when they walk my dog. I don’t expect grand gestures in return, but a simple “Happy Birthday” at a reasonable time doesn’t feel like much to ask.

My partner completely gets it and mentioned it to his brother, but apparently BIL was shocked I was even upset and couldn’t understand why. For context, I don’t have the best relationship with his wife — there have been a few issues.

Now, though, I’m feeling a bit deflated and fed up with always being the one to make an effort.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? I don’t usually care about my birthday, but for some reason it really got to me after realising I make all the effort!

Edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's privacy

I wouldn't get that tied up in knots about my husbands siblings and wives...

Personally, I just about know the birthdays of my DHs two brothers and one sister. I could take a fair stab at months of their partners, but certainly not the actual date.

Take it as lesson learned, dial it back on their associated birthdays, or better yet, hand over all management of DHs siblings to... You guessed it. DH.

Oh jeez. The only reason I know my BIL and SIL’s birthdays is because they are both on very big holiday dates and even then we forget and scrabble around. 🙈

they did actually wish you happy birthday on the day so you’re being a bit precious.

I’d understand if it was your own brother and his wife, but to be upset about your husbands brother and his wife is a bit…tenuous. And they didn’t actually forget did they, they did text. Albeit late in the day, they did still text.
I get on well with my boyfriends sister, but I wouldn’t expect her to remember my birthday. I do see it must feel disappointing though if you always send them cards, but I guess see this as a reason to not send them any anymore. I don’t think it’s relevant that you give their chi money if they walk your dogs. I think that’s fair enough.
You also say you don’t have a good relationship with his wife anyway, so why do you expect her to care about your birthday?

With DH 29 years. BIL & his wife have never acknowledged my bday. No offence felt at all, we spoil their DC & they spoil ours.

Just stop bothering. They quite possibly don't even notice the effort you go to for their birthdays, and if they do they don't value it.

And I think it's quite a niche position to ascribe this much value to adult birthday present exchanges with a BIL and his wife who you don't even like.

My brother and his wife are the same. She’s a narcissist who just doesn’t see anything beyond the end of her nose unless her family’s doing it. So now I deal with their kids directly - will ask them what they want for birthdays & give them exactly what they’ve asked for. I don’t make any effort for my brother or his wife’s birthdays and I’ve stopped being so available to them too.

YABridiculouslyU.

YABU. Adult birthdays aren't really a big deal. Yeah, would have been nice if they had remembered a bit earlier but they obviously didn't think about it until the end of the day. I'm cringing a bit for your DH having raised this with them.

You are being unreasonable

YABU.

I don’t think my BIL has ever wished me a happy birthday. I would always say happy birthday to him but don’t anymore. Tbh it doesn’t bother me.

If you make a lot of effort for them YANBU but perhaps start backing off a bit with the effort, if you are expecting it to be reciprocal.

I think it's ok to feel a bit ignored when you make an effort. It's nice to treat everyone in the family the same but they obviously don't feel that way. I would definately use it as a sign to treat them the same and use the extra money you would spend on them to treat yourself. Win win! 😀

I could understand it if it were your brother who forgot your birthday, although brothers frequently do exactly that.

But your husband’s brother? Why on earth should he do anything for your birthday? And there is no reason at all why your husband‘s brother‘s wife should be required to prompt him.

Wouldn’t bother me.

the issue here is that you are trying to create a relationship they dont' care about. Stop making the effort for them. It's your DH's family - he can do it.