BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

[Ilikelimes]

My BIL and his wife completely forgot my birthday this year. They didn’t text me until midnight to say happy birthday — literally just as the day ended.

I’m quite hurt, to be honest. I always make a real effort with their family: I buy their children’s birthday presents, make sure cards get there on time, and even give the kids pocket money when they walk my dog. I don’t expect grand gestures in return, but a simple “Happy Birthday” at a reasonable time doesn’t feel like much to ask.

My partner completely gets it and mentioned it to his brother, but apparently BIL was shocked I was even upset and couldn’t understand why. For context, I don’t have the best relationship with his wife — there have been a few issues.

Now, though, I’m feeling a bit deflated and fed up with always being the one to make an effort.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? I don’t usually care about my birthday, but for some reason it really got to me after realising I make all the effort!

Edited by MNHQ to protect the OP's privacy

I'm lucky if my actual brothers remember it's my birthday let alone my BIL.I know when my SIL and her husband's birthdays are but I don't always remember to text them until late in the day.
I'd be mortified if they complained about it. We're all adults, who really wants to celebrate getting a year older.

They didn’t completely forget, they managed to message you on the date, just.

People have busy lives. Don’t read too much into it.

I completely forgot my best friend’s birthday this year. I even celebrated her birthday with her the Saturday before but when it came to the actual day it completely slipped my mind until the following day when I had to write the date down and I realised.

Completely unreasonable. I'm assuming that you're supposedly an adult so your birthday stopped being a big deal many many years ago.

Only reason I know anyones birthdays is because of MIL (god bless her). I think it’s nice to send extended family birthday greetings but honestly don’t take it personally. Most of us have no clue.

You need to match their energy
You going above and beyond and expecting the same back
Not going to happen
Scale back to the same effort with them ,you will be much happier

But it’s entirely normal to buy children birthday presents when they’re little. I wouldn’t see it as involving a quid pro quo from their parents for my birthday. DH has four siblings, all married with children. I get on very well with them. I have absolutely no idea when their birthdays are.

I think this is probably just a mismatch of expectations on how in law relationships work between you all, no-one is really wrong, just different (although they are probably more typical in their views based on responses here).

What is would say is there is no reason for you to be doing all the admin around gifts etc for your DPs family. Nothing to do with tit for tat, but there's just no need. It seems like one of the last "wife work" things to just bloody die out, that the woman in the relationship makes all the effort re gifts etc on both sides of the family, just stop.

But you don't get on with his wife anyway, why would they wish you happy birthday? Do you want polite relations or a rift? Just let it go.

I think you are being unreasonable and your expectations are too high especially as you don’t particularly get on.

But they did remember your birthday. Are birthday messages only acceptable in the first half of the day now? Is your neediness such that their first thought of the day has to be about you? Late on the day still equals on the day (and bothering to still send a message means they actually considered sending it to be important as they could have just let it slide completely).

On top of that you don't even get on with your BIL's wife so why on earth is it important that she remembers your birthday? Why do you want or care about a perfunctory message from someone you don't like?

And on top of that I just don't think it's the norm for people to know their in-laws' birthdays offhand - I'm another who has no idea about mine. The people whose birthdays I know offhand are basically: immediate household; friends born on a particularly memorable date/time of year (eg near my own birthday, on Feb 14, between Christmas and New Year's); friends who do some sort of annual celebration. That's it.

I don’t even know how old my BIL is, let alone when it’s his birthday!

I’m guessing you don’t have kids and you are expecting this as ‘thanks’ for remembering their kids birthdays etc. get your hubby to sort his families birthdays

Yabu

I have only a vague idea of when SIL’s birthday is. No clue whatsoever when her husband’s birthday is, couldn’t even tell you the season. I doubt he has any idea when mine is either.

You are overthinking this.

YABU.

I only realised it was DHs birthday one year when an envelope arrived through the post with my mum's writing on it that day. I thought "why is mum writing to DH -oh shit!" Had to go out at lunchtime so he didn't get anything from me til the afternoon. That's practically a war crime on Mumsnet.
Anyway needless to say I wouldn't expect anything from SIL and partner, a text at midnight would be above and beyond expectations!

Why are you doing all the wife work admin for your DH’s family?

I’ve no idea when any of my OH siblings birthdays are.

YABU.
i cannot imagine as a grown adult feeling strongly about this enough to feel hurt and then post on the internet about it.
your BIL’s family might not be into birthdays of extended adults in their family, that’s fine.

Agree on the wife work of remembering in-laws' birthdays. It's so alien to me - I'd have never considered it and would have just boggled in confusion if a man had ever expected it of me (which has never happened either).

I’m surprised that so many of you claim to not know your in-laws’ birthdays, or their partners’. I know all of mine and send them either a card, present, or birthday wishes on the day.
If I were you @Ilikelimes, I’d step back from the present buying and pass that over to your partner/husband. They’re his family, so he can sort it.

I don't even know when my SIL birthday is and I've known her 18 years. We also get along really well. I don't get involved with any of DH family birthday cards/pressies as that is his job, my family is mine.

I’ve never bothered with extended family, bar my father in law, mother and have never expected anything.
I find your post both petulant and childish.

YABU. Not everyone thinks adults' birthdays are as important or noteworthy as you seem to do.

I think you’re being unreasonable by linking what you do for children to what their parents do for you.

Most aunts and uncles put forth effort towards their nieces and nephews without expecting the parents in turn to recognise their birthday. You’re an adult.

I’m not claiming not to know. I don’t know. Bar his sisters 50th which we went to a few years ago I’ve never been to a birthday party of them and even that was a Sunday lunch and I’ve no idea if it was on her birthday or not.

I do my family. He does his. I am not taking on any extra emotional burden I have enough to do. He sets the tone and timbre of his relationship with his family and I do mine.